


Believe Again

by morninwarri0r



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Family, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of it, Love, Mystic Messenger - Freeform, Please take note of the trigger warnings in the notes of the first chapter, Romance, Spoilers, Trigger Warnings, reader - Freeform, saeran choi x reader, saeran x reader, unknown - Freeform, unknown x reader
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2018-09-18 14:35:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 62,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9389423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morninwarri0r/pseuds/morninwarri0r
Summary: You weren’t sure when or why he caught your eye in the first place. Maybe it was his hair. It wasn’t every day you saw someone with striking red hair around. Or maybe it was because passing by here every day, you eventually came to notice how he would always be seated in the same place, be in the same posture, doing the exact same thing. (DISCONTINUED)





	1. Change

**Author's Note:**

> This is an AU where Seven is married to MC (I shall refer to her as MC) and the main pairing is SaeranxReader. This fic takes place after secret ending 2. This is filled with spoilers for the game, so be warned. Hope you enjoy!
> 
> Official cover art for this story was drawn by the amazing Vesperfly! You can find her on at tumblr (vesperfly.tumblr.com) and on deviantart (vesperfly.deviantart.com). Her art is absolutely amazing!!! 
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There will be future instances of violence, as well as themes relating to past self-harm/suicidal thoughts. Do proceed with caution.

You weren’t sure when this developed into a routine. You had lived in this area for years, always taking the same path back home, the path that passed through the park near your house. It was not a particularly big park, but at this time in the evening, usually there were children playing in the sand box and at the modest playground, a couple of elderly folk out taking a stroll to enjoy the cool evening breeze, and maybe some couples out on a date if it was the weekend or a Friday night. There wasn’t much to see around here, really.

You weren’t even sure when or why he caught your eye. Maybe it was his hair. It wasn’t every day you saw someone with striking red hair around, after all. Or maybe it was because passing by here every day, you eventually came to notice how he would always be seated in the same place, in the center of the same bench, always in the same posture, with his hands resting on his knees, and always doing the same thing, simply gazing up at the sky in silence. He never did much. He was always on his own, with the deep blue sky above as his only companion.

There were times you would, out of pure, innocent curiosity, stop a distance away to observe him for a while. Even though it probably wasn’t your place to mind, you often found yourself wondering what could be going through his head when he quietly gazed out upon the sky like that. His face was always blank, his person unmoving. You’d think he was a statue; only the occasional blink of his eyes and subtle movement of his chest indicated that he was a living, breathing human.

Once, you got close enough to see that his eyes were of a beautiful mint green hue. You had never seen anything like it, and for a moment you thought he might be special, somehow. That, or he was just wearing contacts. You couldn’t recognize the emotions that dwelled within them, however. The only thing you could glean from them was pure, childlike wonder. They were the eyes of a child who had yet to see enough of the world, who wished to know more, but whose questions could only be answered with the serenity of the deep, limitless sky above.

Something about him attracted you. It was almost as if he had some sort of magnetic field about him; each time you saw him you were drawn to his lonesome figure. You wanted to get closer, to know him, but at the same time something about him repelled you, kept you at a safe distance.

So this became a routine of sorts. You would come home from work every day, walking down the same path, passing by him, blocking his view of the sky for those two small seconds. Each time you did, your heart would beat just a little faster. Then after walking sufficiently far away, you would stop to peer over your shoulder, only to see him still in that same spot, in that same posture, looking at the same thing he always did.

He was a mysterious person, that was for sure. An interesting subject in your relatively mundane, normal life. It wasn’t a bad thing, you supposed. But it had been long enough that you were starting to wonder when this cycle would break.

Then again, maybe you shouldn’t have wished for that. You didn’t think you could actually jinx yourself without saying anything aloud to yourself, but you had managed to, much to your chagrin.

It was just a normal Wednesday. You had gotten off work, and the day had gone by relatively smoothly as usual. You were on your way back, looking forward to getting some rest after a long day, but more than that, you were anticipating going through that same path as you usually did.

Nothing out of the ordinary had happened. The man was quietly sitting there as he always did, but you noticed that he wasn’t wearing the light brown sweater that he usually wore. He was just in a plain black tank and a pair of long black pants today. Maybe he finally decided to do the laundry. But then you noticed he had bandages wrapped from his shoulder all the way down to the middle of his forearm. What had happened to him? Had he hurt himself badly? The questions swirled in your mind, the skin on your forehead creasing slightly with worry, but you knew you couldn’t just up and ask him something like that.

So you walked past him, making sure to keep your footsteps light to avoid making too much noise as you passed by as usual. You counted the number of steps after passing by him. Seventeen and a half steps was the perfect distance. Not too close, and you would be partially hidden by the light pole by the side of the road. It was also not too far that you wouldn’t get a clear enough look at him.

You stopped at the exact spot you did every day, and then you peered over your shoulder. Sometimes you wondered why you bothered to do this. It wasn’t as if he would move from that position — he had never done anything else except stare into space. At least, not that you knew of.

That day was different, however. You were taken by surprise the moment you registered that what you were staring at wasn’t his side profile, but his face.

Your eyes met, and immediately you ducked your head, hoping that he hadn’t caught you stealing glances at him. You felt your face flush in embarrassment. But... had you just imagined that? Or had he actually moved? To look at something else?

Out of sheer curiosity, you dared yourself to raise your head once more. Your breath hitched and your heart started thumping louder in your ears when you realized that his gaze was still on you. His face was blank, his eyes holding no emotion whatsoever. You wondered if he happened to be staring at someone behind you, but you found no one of interest standing behind you. When you turned back to him he was still staring at you, and unashamedly so. It seemed like you were the only one embarrassed to be caught staring at a complete stranger.

You stared back, confused. Did he want to make conversation? Was he expecting you to approach him? Was he going to approach you? What were you to do in a situation like this? The awkwardness of it all made your cheeks feel even hotter, and you were tempted to simply look away and hightail it out of there. Yet at the same time, you were intrigued. He had finally noticed you, it seemed, and maybe this was your chance to get to know him a little better. The cycle of watching him from afar for a few minutes each day had finally broke, and this could be an invitation to approach him.

...Or so you thought, until he returned his gaze back to the sky, as if nothing out of the ordinary had happened, as if today was just like any other day.

Maybe you had taken too long to consider going up to him. Or maybe he just wasn’t as interested in you as you were in him. In any case, things were way too awkward for you to just stay standing there like a fool, so you decided to hastily make your way back home for the day. On the way back you attempted to convince yourself that nothing big had happened, and that everything would go back to normal the next day.

The butterflies in your stomach gave you the sense that that wasn't going to happen though.

The next few times you passed by him and turned back to look, you noticed him staring back at you just as he did that day. You would feel a jolt run through your body when your eyes met, and the both of you would hold each other’s gazes for a while, as if searching for something within each other’s eyes. But then each time he would turn back, seemingly unaffected by your staring match just seconds ago. By the third time you encountered him in this manner, you had gotten used to it. It was odd, an encounter that left you feeling tingly, nervous and excited.

You didn’t dislike it, strangely enough. Not one bit.

You were starting to get used to this change in the routine the both of you had somehow established for each other. You were starting to like it, even. It was a peculiar thing to look forward to at the end of the day, but by no means any less thrilling. You wondered if he felt that way too.

If he did though, he never showed it. Then again, he struck you as the type who wasn’t good at expressing his emotions.

A good amount of time passed before something else changed. An ice-cream truck started visiting a little more regularly. It would come by every Friday, parking a ways from the bench where that man always sat. The sound of the bell would cause the children at the playground to perk up with interest, and then soon enough a sizeable line would form in front of it.

It also happened to be the only sound that could cause his attention to shift away from the sky, aside from the short stare-down you two would share each evening now. You never thought the day would come when you would see his eyes light up like that. They contained the happiness of an innocent child, but in them was also a mixture of something akin to sadness and longing. You wanted to know why he would make a face like that each time the ice-cream truck came.

Well, there was one way to find out.

It took a lot of courage on your part, but you decided that maybe it was high time you changed something else about your routine.

When the next Friday came, you found yourself holding two chocolate ice cream cones. You didn’t know which flavor he would want, so you just went with the safest options.

“Here,” you said in the bravest voice you could muster, even though your heart was hammering against your ribcage and you could feel your ears heating up in this rather awkward situation. You held out one cone to him, and you watched as he took a few seconds to register the ice cream cone in front of him, before tilting his head upwards to rest his eyes on yours.

His lips parted in a silent question, but he said nothing. He turned his gaze to the ice cream cone again, not moving a muscle. You waited for him to say something, or to take the cone from you, but he didn’t do anything. He merely kept his gaze lowered, on the ground, and you wondered if he was actually shy, for all that unabashed staring the two of you had done for the past fortnight.

Not wanting to be stuck holding two of these cones any longer, you decided the best course of action would be to place the cone in his hand. You loosened your grip on it slightly, and in turn he curled his fingers around it, wordlessly accepting it from you.

Your lips spread into a smile as you did a small cheer of victory in your head. Feeling a little bolder now, you took a seat next to him on the bench, and he shifted a little to the right so that you would have more space beside him. Maybe he wasn’t as averse to social interaction as he appeared to be.

There wasn't much to say between the two of you. You didn’t feel the need to either. So you simply sat there, quietly enjoying your ice cream. It was refreshing to feel the cool evening breeze against your skin and the cold sweetness of the dessert melt in your mouth at the same time. You stole a sideways glance at the man next to you. His gaze was trained on the ice cream, as if mystified by the dessert in his hands. You found it quite endearing. He looked just like a child who had just received a treat in the longest time.

You were about to remind him to start eating before it melted, but before you could he was raising it to his lips and taking a tentative lick.

And for the first time, you saw a smile appear on his face. It was small, just the tiniest curve of the corner of his lip, but you noticed it, and for some reason, it stirred a pleasant warmth in the core of your stomach that spread to every part of your body, to the very tips of your fingers. You couldn’t help the smile that crept up your face too.

With a content sigh, you turned your head back to look at the sky that he so loved to stare at in the evenings, and the both of you were content, just sitting there in shared comfortable silence.

It was a vague thought that crossed your mind, but you felt that this could be a change you wouldn’t mind getting used to.


	2. First Words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first words you shared were few, but infinitely precious.

You had always thought a baby’s first words to be the most special, in a way that few people could understand. The privilege of being addressed by them as they took their first steps out of intelligible blubbering to crawl closer to you, bit by bit, could make anyone’s head giddy with rapture.

He was most definitely not a baby, but his first word to you had a greater impact on you that you could have anticipated.

It had just been another Friday, and you were heading back as usual. Friday evenings had become special to you, since it marked the weekly ice cream date the both of you would have together. Up till now you had never exchanged words with each other, not even a simple greeting. It was just the way things were, and you were both fine with that. It was perfectly pleasant, just being able to enjoy each other’s company as you savored your ice cream in silence. The occasional crunch of the wafer of the cone was the only sound that either of you permitted yourselves to make when you were seated together.

It was a strange relationship you two shared. You didn’t even know if there was a relationship at all, considering you didn’t even know his name. Then again, even though you didn’t know his name, you felt a unique, pronounced connection to him, one that may have to do with the peculiar feelings in your chest that sprouted whenever he crossed your mind.

It wasn’t exactly a romantic attraction, nor was it mere curiosity. You had spent hours pondering over this question while laying awake in your bed in the deep hours of night, and in middle of day when you could spare some time to space out a for a little while.

All you could conclude was that he was an enigma and that your relationship with him was of an alien nature, one that, perhaps, had been birthed only between the both of you.

The sun was already setting as you neared the park. A swirl of pink and marigold colors dusted the cloudless sky. It was exceptionally beautiful today, and you couldn’t help but wonder what he thought of the scenery today, being the avid sky-watcher he was.

Your feet found the clean brick path that you took each evening, and you kept your eyes peeled for a mop of messy red hair being tousled by the wind. Confusion struck you, however, when you found no sign of him, even though you were certain that you were looking at the right bench.

You quickened your pace towards the bench, and stopped in front of it. He wasn’t there. You scanned the vicinity, and spotted the usual children and elderly folk around, greeted with the same scenery as always, except for him.

Was he gone?

The thought unsettled you. It unnerved you to the core.

It dawned on you then that you had become more attached to him than you thought you had been and would be, evident in the invisible weight on your shoulders dragging your spirits to rock bottom, and the gaping hole in your tightened chest.

It wasn’t as if this was an arrangement that the both of you had agreed on. It probably wasn’t even meant to last, or at least, not as long as you would have liked it to be. You knew, but despite that you were disappointed, more than you should have been.

Perhaps the best thing to do was to not over-think things. There was no point to it. Maybe he was just busy today, or for some reason couldn’t come. It wouldn’t be right to jump to conclusions just because he wasn’t here all of a sudden. Besides, surely he had better things to do than sit here in the evenings to watch the still sky. You resolved to continue on your way back home, brushing thoughts of him aside.

That is, until you heard footsteps approaching you from behind. You sensed a familiar presence behind you, and without a moment’s hesitation you were spinning around to find out who it was.

Relief flooded you, and you couldn’t help the smile that your lips pulled into, when you found yourself standing face to face with that man. It was your first time standing this close to him, and you weren’t expecting him to be this tall. He was almost half a head taller than you. You had to tilt your chin up slightly so you could meet his soft mint eyes.

From here, even though you were standing just a little further than an arm’s length away from him, you could catch the faint scent of his shampoo, the one he used every day.

He had two ice cream cones in his hands, and now he was holding one out towards you.

“Here,” he spoke, in a quiet but deep, strong voice that took your breath away. You needed a couple moments to register that he had just spoken to you, and that he was offering you a chocolate ice cream cone. You blinked a few times at it, as if it was an illusion that would vanish in the blink of an eye.

It didn’t.

You looked up again. Your gazes met, but only for two seconds, because then he lowered his eyes, appearing slightly embarrassed. You noticed the light pink creeping up at the corners of his ears that were partially hidden by his messy red locks.

This was the first time he had lost a staring match against you.

Dumbly, you looked at the ice cream cone again, and then you slowly raised your hand to accept it from him. As he handed it to you, your fingers brushed against each other. The light, feathery contact made your heart skip a beat and your face flush. It seemed to have an effect on the man too, for he let go a little too quickly, nearly causing the cone to drop entirely if it weren’t for your fast reflexes.

He mumbled something that sounded like an apology under his breath before he sat down again on the bench, licking his ice cream. You were still admittedly puzzled by the change of events, and so you continued to focus your attention on him, waiting for him to explain himself. He didn’t say anything, however, having apparently returned to his silent self.

Well, you supposed his intentions weren’t that hard to figure out, from the way he had approached you earlier. He probably just wanted to make it up to you, for having treated him to ice cream for the past two Fridays. A smile played on your lips as you sat down, having a taste of the ice cream. Maybe it was just you, but it tasted sweeter than it normally did.

“Thanks,” you said aloud. Your voice caught his attention, and he looked over at you, with his eyes widened ever so slightly. He looked like a deer caught in headlights, and you wondered what on earth was so strange about you thanking him for his kindness. He looked rather cute as he visibly attempted to formulate some sort of response. The sound of your chuckling seemed to put him at a greater loss for words, and you watched in amusement as his ears began turning red.

At times like these, with his guard down, he was like an open book, his thoughts showing quite plainly for you to see.

At last, he managed to restore the perfect poker face he always had on, and settled for a dismissive “Mm,” before returning his gaze to the open sky.

With some interest, you noted that his ears remained red for the rest of that evening.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the next chapter will be longer and fluffier. ;) Thanks for reading!


	3. Your Name

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, this chapter is not based off “Kimi no Na wa”. XD   
> (I highly recommend the movie to anyone who hasn’t watched it, btw.)

Your sopping wet shoes splashed against the pavement that was covered entirely in one big puddle after another as you ran down the path back home. You were clutching your bag close to your body, using your cardigan to keep the cold shards of rain from getting your things drenched just like you were at the moment.

Lightning flashed overhead, and it was quickly followed by a deafening boom of thunder. You jumped from the shock and barely managed to stop yourself from slipping and crashing straight to the ground. A groan of mild frustration left your lips. What rotten luck you had. It just _had_ to rain on the one day you forgot to bring your umbrella. The downpour was so heavy that the tall buildings in the distance were no longer visible, hidden behind a curtain of pelting raindrops.

The cold was seeping into your body and you shivered, rubbing your palms together to generate some heat. It was cold, and you didn’t want to fall sick, so you marched forward as fast as you could, wanting to get home so you could take a hot shower and dry off.

You were nearing the park, and from here you could tell it was devoid of people. No one would be insane enough to stay out in this weather. Surely that man wouldn’t be there either. There was no shelter near his favorite bench, and the trees beside it wouldn’t be much help in keeping him dry. Oh well, you could always see him tomorrow, provided it didn’t rain.

You continued on your way, and in the back of your mind, you wondered what he would be doing now, since he couldn’t sky-watch for the evening. He could well be in his home, sitting by the window to observe the overlapping gray clouds above.

...Or, you know, sitting on his favorite bench with a big, black umbrella to keep him dry while he sky-watched as if it was just any other day.

Your lips parted questioningly as you stopped just a few steps away from the usual spot. You could hardly believe your eyes. You needed to blink a couple more times to confirm that you weren’t simply hallucinating.

His head turned in your direction when he heard your feet splash against the puddles on the pavement. His eyes widened considerably when he saw you standing there. Clearly, he hadn’t been expecting you to come either. Or at least, not come looking like this.

You felt a little self-conscious, since you were certain that you weren’t looking your best. Not with your hair in messy wet clumps or your makeup that was probably all washed away by now. He, on the other hand, looked effortlessly handsome as always, dressed in his usual attire. He didn’t seem to bother with his clothing choices very much. He looked especially lonesome, sitting out here alone in the rain. Much like a character in a particularly sad movie.

You weren’t sure if you should greet him, or ask him what he was doing out here. You had long gotten into the habit of not talking around him. It was always just quiet between you two, with single-word exchanges the furthest the both of you had gone thus far.

A chill that caused you to shiver and goose bumps to appear on your arms snapped you out of your thoughts, reminding you that you had to get home as soon as you could. Getting to see him was a bonus you had not been expecting, but at least your day felt more complete now.

So, flashing him a courteous smile and a small nod, you started off again, running past him.

But, you didn’t get to run more than three steps past him before you felt a hand on your wrist tugging you back.

The sudden pull on your body caused you to flail your arms as you stumbled, losing your balance. A sharp gasp left your lips as you held on tightly to the hand that was still attached to your wrist. It pulled you back up and before you realized it, you were slamming straight into the man’s chest.

It took you a few seconds to steady yourself and comprehend the situation in its entirety, and then you were stepping backwards, pulling your hands off his rock hard chest and sputtering apologies in embarrassment. Your face was probably an alarming shade of red — you could feel it in the flames in your cheeks and the steady increase in pace of your heartbeat.

He didn’t seem all that flustered compared to you, but you caught just the slightest hint of amusement playing in his eyes as he stared at you silently. His hand remained on your wrist, keeping you from moving away again. You were about to ask him what the matter was — you two had never shared any physical contact whatsoever prior to this, other than to pass ice cream cones to each other. You were acutely aware of the strong, firm grip he had on your wrist, the icy coldness of his fingers against your skin, and the warmth that his touch had sparked within you.

Before you could gather your wits about you to say anything, however, he was taking his umbrella and placing the handle in your hand. You accepted it, caressing the smooth wood in your palm and noting the heat that his grip had left behind.

You furrowed your brows in confusion. Why was he giving this to you? Wouldn’t he need to go home too?

You were about to ask him, when he turned his back on you and left the shelter of the umbrella, walking off in the opposite direction.

Ah... So that was what he meant.

The corners of your lips twitched upwards into a smile. He was kind, far kinder than anyone else would have thought given his usual stone cold demeanor.

But, as suave as his exit had been, you weren’t about to let him suffer and potentially get himself sick simply because of your carelessness.

So you ran after him, your feet splashing loudly against the pavement while you reached the umbrella out towards him. He turned to look at you just when you managed to get the umbrella over his head. In the span of about half a minute, he had nearly become just as soaked as you were. His red bangs were matted to his forehead, barely covering his surprised eyes. His clothes had also turned a darker shade from the rain already, leaving only a few dry spots here and there.

You held the umbrella handle out to him. “It’s yours,” you said, waiting for him to take it from you.

He merely stared at you, studying the firm expression you had on your face. A few seconds later, he replied, “It’s fine.” He was about to leave again, when you pulled on the end of his sweater, tugging him back. He faced you once more, and you could see the signs of a frown appearing on his face.

It was a completely irrelevant thought, but you wondered what other faces he could make, aside from his default blank poker face. It was kind of fun discovering these sides to him, like a treasure hunt.

“Either way I’m getting home wet, so it doesn't matter. Thanks though,” you said, boldly taking his hand and placing the handle in it. That was what you would have done if you could, anyway, because he refused to budge his arm to take the umbrella from you.

“I said it’s fine. Just take it. I don’t care if I get wet or not.” You didn’t think he would be this stubborn. Or that he could talk this much in a single evening.

You weren’t about to budge on this either, so for a while the both of you were at a standstill, staring at each other until someone made the first move. Somehow it always went back to these staring contests. It was silly, but fun in its own way.

At last, you gave up. You always did.

But of course, you wouldn’t go down without a fight.

“I have a suggestion to make.”

He arched an eyebrow, sending you a rather skeptical look as he waited for you to continue.

“Walk me home, and then you can get home with your umbrella,” you said. He seemed to contemplate this a little, although the frown on his face suggested that he wasn’t too agreeable with the idea. You found it a little too forward as well, but this was the only way both of you would stop this silly tug-o-match in the middle of the pouring rain.

If he still wouldn’t agree, then maybe your last resort would be to throw the umbrella down and make a run for it.

Thankfully, you didn't need to go to that extreme. The man nodded, indicating his agreement to the arrangement, and then he took the umbrella from you and began walking in the direction of your home. It struck you as a little odd that he would know the way to your home, until you remembered that he had seen you going the same way back every day.

The both of you were relatively quiet during the walk home. You didn’t really know what to say. You never felt the need to speak to him before, but today, something was different. Maybe it was because he had taken the initiative today, and offered you kindness you would never have expected from anyone whose name you didn’t even know.

Oh, right. You still didn’t know his name.

You stole a peek at him through the top left corner of your eye, wondering if you should ask. If he never asked for your name, did it mean he wasn’t interested in finding out?

But, you supposed it wouldn’t be much of an issue to just ask for his name. It would only be polite to do so, after all. Besides, you figured plenty of time had passed since the both of you started noticing each other, and proper introductions were severely overdue by now. He noticed you staring at him then, and you averted your eyes immediately, lowering your head while mentally cursing yourself for your lack of stealth.

“What?” he asked, in that hauntingly beautiful voice of his. Maybe it was more beautiful to your ears because you hardly ever got to hear it. He wasn't much of a talker, after all. Well, neither were you, when you were around him at least. Perhaps because of that, you had come to treasure every word that he uttered, be they gruff or gentle.

“Your name,” you muttered. You could see him frowning as he attempted to discern whatever you had just said, so you repeated a little louder, “What’s... your name?” There, you had said it.

He blinked twice, taking some time to register your question. Then all he did was return his gaze to the path stretching ahead. “Secret.”

You let out a scoff at that. Even though he did a poor job of showing it, you could tell he was just kidding — partially, maybe — from the way his cheeks shifted upwards slightly and the corners of his lips twitched, with the ghost of a smile playing on them.

“Okay then, Unknown,” was your rather sarcastic reply.

For some reason, your reply made him pause abruptly in his tracks. You only realized that when you felt the sting of cold raindrops on your forehead because you were no longer under the shelter of the umbrella.

You moved two steps backwards to go back under the umbrella, arching an eyebrow at the odd expression he had on. It was a mix of pain, regret, confusion, but that all evaporated within seconds and without another word, he continued moving along at a faster pace. You had some difficulty catching up.

Had you said something wrong? He was upset. Maybe the random nickname you just gave him had triggered bad memories of some sort.

Maybe it would be wise if you changed the subject.

“So anyway, why were you out here today?” It was the only other question you could think of.

He kept mum, and you sighed inwardly. You had just messed up big time. For all the progress you had made with him, you had just taken one huge step backwards. You wanted to hit yourself, really. You probably shouldn’t have said anything at all.

But it appeared he just needed some time to think of an appropriate answer. “...The sky looks different today,” he spoke up a few moments later, and you perked up at his response, looking at him curiously.

Well, yes, you supposed the sky did look different today, gray sky and all. It was a rather peculiar reason to be out in the rain at this time, but since it was him, you decided it wasn’t all that strange.

You let out a quiet chuckle, one that caught his attention. “What?” he asked again, frowning down at you.

“It’s nothing,” you replied with a small shrug and a smile. “It’s just... so you.”

He cocked his head to the side, looking at you as if you had just grown two heads. “You’re a weird one,” he commented.

“I guess. You’re pretty strange yourself, you know.”

He emitted a short exhale as the corners of his lips tugged upwards slightly. “I guess.”

The park wasn’t very far from your home. Before you knew it, the apartment building where you lived in had come into view and he walked you to the sheltered entrance.

You were reluctant to leave — this was the first time you two had talked this much, and you wished you could stay to discover more things about him. But, there was no reason for you to stay.

“Thanks for walking me home,” you smiled, turning to face him. It was then that you noticed his clothes on his left side were entirely drenched. His sweater was dripping wet, and some droplets of rainwater was trailing down the left side of his face.

No wonder you didn’t feel a speck of water on you throughout the journey.

You were about to say something more when he looked away and used the back of his hand to wipe the moisture off his face. With his fingers, he combed his bangs out of his eyes, pushing it backwards. His forehead was glistening with moisture from his wet hair, and you thought he looked quite cute with his hair styled this way too.

“You should get home now.” He did not meet your eyes as he said that.

From the way he leaned the left side of his body away from you, you figured that he didn’t want you to mention it.

Your chest swelled, touched. You kept the questions you had to yourself as you bid him farewell and started heading in.

“...Saeran.”

The sound of his voice made you freeze in your tracks. You spun around, seeing the man standing in the rain, holding his umbrella up. You could only see the right side of his face, and even though you couldn’t see very well through the rain, you had a feeling his cheeks were changing in color.

“Saeran?” you echoed. Then you understood.

“Just Saeran?” you asked, now grinning.

“Just Saeran,” he said with a curt nod.

“Nice to meet you, Saeran. My name is—”

“I know,” he cut in, looking straight at you now so his eyes were boring into yours. Despite the distance between the both of you, you could feel his gaze piercing right through you. You felt vulnerable against his gaze, but it wasn’t a bad feeling exactly.

“You... know?” you repeated, confused. “How?”

He didn’t answer your question. All he did was offer a wordless smirk in response, and then he left, with the pitter patter of the gradually lessening rain trailing in his wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been raining all day so talk about a good atmosphere for writing this chapter. Also, I needed to take breaks in between writing this because I thought my heart was going to stop with all the fluffy scenarios running through my head hahaha. 
> 
> Thanks for reading and I hope you liked it!


	4. Curiosity

He was probably bluffing when he said he knew your name. Since then, he had never called your name once. Not that he even said much to you, anyway. But then, you weren’t inclined to complain, given how things were developing.

It was already 9:42pm on your phone. Lampposts lit the path ahead of you, albeit rather dimly. It had been a long day and you were rather relieved to be surrounded by silence once more as you headed home along the usual path. The park in front of you was largely empty by now, aside from a few teenagers sitting down in a circle at the playground with dented cans of soda lying on the sand in the middle of them.

You walked past them as they doubled over at an inside joke amongst themselves, and gradually the sound of your footsteps and occasional crunching of dead leaves beneath your shoes grew louder than their boisterous laughter. Just a while ago you had been with your friends too, chatting over dinner and a few drinks. You hadn’t seen some of them in ages, and you were glad you had the chance to catch up with them.

Of course, your only regret was missing out on your daily meeting with Saeran here.

You weren’t really sure if you should have told him prior to this that you wouldn’t come today. You didn’t see much of a reason to though, since it didn’t seem that he cared very much. You were always the one initiating most of the interaction between the both of you, after all. Saeran just wasn’t the proactive type. For the most part, he remained cold, vacant, disinterested towards you, aside from the occasional smile or smirk when you said something weird. Seeing him make those faces could make you feel like you were floating on a cloud.

Well, you couldn’t deny that they were his endearing traits as well.

You let out a sigh, comforting yourself with the fact that you would be able to see him the next day, if anything else. It would be a Friday too, so you could look forward to the usual ice cream date with him.

The wind blew then, tousling your hair up in messy tendrils that fell against your cheeks. You had to stop in your tracks to smoothen your hair out and tuck the wild strands behind your ears. It was especially strong tonight. Almost as if it was beckoning you forward, where something was awaiting you.

Slowly, it died down, and you continued walking forward, though now feeling a little more nervous. You didn’t know if you could trust your intuition — you didn’t want to get your hopes up for nothing.

You were nearing the bench. His bench. You weren’t expecting him to be there at all, since it was already this late. It wasn’t as if you knew what time he went home exactly. You were always the one to leave first, but you often assumed he left not long after you.

Maybe you were wrong. Or perhaps he had waited for you, despite this not even being a promised arrangement between you two.

Because there he was, seated on the bench, bent forward with his fingers interlocked so tightly you could see from here that his knuckles were white. His head was lowered, facing his naval, and his forearms were resting on his widely separated legs.

Your feet came to a halt the moment you spotted him. Your breath caught and your heart rate started climbing into an impossibly frenzied dance in your chest. You thought your chest would burst at any moment.

Questions ran through your mind, but you dared not answer them yourself, lest you came to the wrong conclusions. All you knew was that he was there, unmoving, his hands and body locked in something akin to a praying stance. You wanted to see his face, but it was hanging low, facing his naval. You held back from calling out to him. His name was already on the tip of your tongue, but you silenced your voice for a while more. You wanted to observe him.

Just like you used to.

He was still, unmoving, just like a statue. But it seemed this time, what he was searching for couldn’t be found in the black night sky that was currently dotted with modestly gleaming stars.

You weren’t sure how long you stared at him like that, quietly, in the shadows, with only a dash of light on the tips of your shoes. You only realized that you hadn’t moved a muscle, just like him, in the moment that his face snapped up towards yours.

You couldn’t tell what it was that flashed in his eyes. You thought you saw a mix of shock, worry and fear clouding his mint eyes, before relief began flooding in. At least, that was what you would like to think, but you couldn’t be certain because he only allowed his emotions to show for a measly four seconds, before he was on his feet and striding towards you in a strangely hurried pace.

By the time you came to your senses and decided to move, all you needed was to take one step forward into the yellow light beneath the lamppost and then the two of you were face to face, the tips of your shoes nearly touching.

The wind stirred again, this time to send the scent of his shampoo towards you. It tickled your nostrils, making you acutely aware of how close you were to him. His eyes bored into yours, his lips parting slightly with unspoken words that he wished to say, but did not permit himself to.

You felt something brush against your hand, and your eyes darted down to see his fingers withdrawing from your hand to fall at his side in a fist. “Sorry,” he mumbled, before releasing a sigh that sounded with frustration and relief all at once.

That fleeting touch was enough to send jolts of electricity running through your skin, and generate tremendous heat in your cheeks that spread to your ears and neck. You lowered your head, hoping he wouldn’t notice. This had been happening a lot more recently. The effect that he had on you was rather hard to explain, since you hadn’t experienced this around any other man. There was certainly an attraction there, but you didn’t think it was exactly romantic either. It was gray, unidentifiable.

Just like he was, in some ways. Saeran was special. You just weren’t quite sure how special he was to you, as of now.

He shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans then, and then you heard his voice, bass and tense, but laced with an emotion that you had never detected before.

“Where were you?”

Curiosity.

You had to do a double-take before you could give him an answer. “I was out.”

“With whom?” he pressed.

“My friends...” You furrowed your brows slightly. He sounded rather upset, and you couldn’t understand why. “Why are you asking?”

Your question seemed to stump him a little, for he could not provide you an answer immediately. He stared at you dumbly for a good couple of seconds before dropping his head and muttering, “No reason.”

You noted that for someone with “no reason”, he was uncharacteristically tense and upset when he first approached you to interrogate you about your whereabouts. “What are you doing here so late?” you asked then, dissatisfied with his vague reply.

You had a feeling you already knew, but it was an answer that he probably would never admit. Not at this stage, anyway.

"I just felt like staying out a little longer,” he replied smoothly, “It’s nice out here at night.”

He was a good liar, but you found that you were better at uncovering his lies.

“It is,” you agreed, deciding to drop it just for now. You were content with the knowledge that he cared somewhat about you, and about your daily meetings. It wasn’t as one-sided as you thought after all.

“Don’t you need to get home?” you inquired.

He shook his head and shrugged. “No.”

“Then, how about we stay out here together for a while?”

He looked rather surprised that you would make such a suggestion, but did not raise any protest to it. He simply turned around and walked to the bench, taking his seat on it, to the right of the bench. And then you took your seat on your side of the bench. A smile graced your lips as you recalled how he used to sit right in the middle. No one could sit with him or approach him. This area was a world of his own, a world that belonged to him and him alone.

That is, until you came along.

It was a pleasant thought to have, one that made you feel like you were someone special to him.

It also gave you the courage to ask a question you had been meaning to ask for the longest time, one that you never dared allow to leave your lips in the past, in fear of overstepping the boundaries that he had built around him when you first noticed him.

“Why do you come here every day?”            

Saeran returned his gaze to the night sky above, taking a few moments to consider your question. He pursed his lips together into a thin line, cocking his head slightly at an angle as he did so. At times like these, you wished you had a mind-reading ability. To you, he was a puzzle, one whose pieces you were slowly discovering one by one, as time went by.

“I wonder why...” he muttered, lowering his head. You noted the tinge of sadness and muffled pain in his voice. “I don’t really know either.”

“Don’t you have friends or family?”

“I do,” he said, “but I prefer being alone.”

Well, there was no doubt about that. “I see...”

“What about you?” he inquired.

“What?”

“Why do you come here every day?”

He had probably been meaning to ask you that for a long time too.

A sheepish smile appeared on your face as the answer popped into your head right away. It was embarrassing, something you didn’t really want to confess. Lying to him didn’t sit right with you though. Maybe that was because it felt as if he could see right through you if you ever attempted to do that. But, at the same time, if you were to be completely honest with him, you might end up scaring him away.

Then again, he didn’t seem like the type to get scared so easily.

So you drew in a deep breath and answered, “Because you’re here.”

You watched as his eyes widened to the size of a goldfish’s. He was stunned for a good few seconds, and you couldn’t help the weak, embarrassed chuckle that escaped you. What kind of impression had you just given him? Maybe he thought that you had a crush of some sort on him.

And you supposed that wouldn’t be totally wrong.

“What’s that supposed to mean...” he murmured at last, bringing his hands up to cup his nose and mouth, possibly to cover up the pinkish hue appearing on his cheeks. The tips of his ears were already turning pink too. You were also feeling nervous, if the butterflies in your stomach and hot face were any indication.

“I just want to know more about you,” you stated, looking away. You hoped it wasn’t showing in your voice.

“Why?”

“Because you’re different.”

His parted lips closed into a thin line, not voicing the retort on his tongue. Then he released a long exhale. Apparently your vague answer satisfied him, much to your surprise. “So,” he began again, “that means the day I stop coming, you’ll stop too?”

“I guess.”

He made a dismissive grunt in response to that. With nothing else to say, the two of you then fell back into silence and sat there, content with gazing at the sky together just as you always did. It was a nice change of scenery, you supposed. You could hear the group of teenagers from before leaving, and soon it was just quietness around you two, with the whisper of the wind as your only other companion.

Vaguely, you pondered over what he had just mentioned. The day he stopped coming... You couldn’t help but wonder whether the day would come when there was no tomorrow left for the both of you.

Well, you supposed it was probably more a question of ‘when’ and not ‘if’.

How long would this strange relationship last? The fact that the two of you had been together for this long was already a miracle in and of itself. But it was a miracle that couldn’t last, could it?

“It’s getting late. You should go.”

His voice jerked you out of your reverie. Your eyes came to rest on him as he rose to his feet. You followed suit, standing up as you checked your phone. It was 10.47pm already, even though it felt like you had spent a mere few minutes with him.

Time just seemed to go by in a blur when you were with him. Or maybe you were just greedy for more time spent together like this.

In any case, it was time to leave. You were worn out, as he probably was. So you bid him goodnight for the very first time.

He nodded curtly and with the ghost of a smile playing on his lips, bid you goodnight as well.

Then without another word you two parted ways, all the while your ears focused on the gradually diminishing sound of his quiet footsteps.

It wasn’t until your tenth step that you heard him call your name. It was a soft, gentle voice carried by the wind that tickled your ears. Your breath hitched. You whirled around, only to find him standing with his head turned over his shoulder to look directly at you.

“See you tomorrow.”

A promise, albeit a small, insignificant one. One that made you feel like your heart could burst at any moment.

Well, you supposed, no matter what kind of future awaited the both of you, you were perfectly content with simply savoring the moment. Just for now, you would treasure the time you had together, until the day came when you would both have to go separate ways for good.

Somehow, you managed to keep your cool, and you offered him a coy smile in return.

“See you,” you replied through the night breeze.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to re-write this chapter three times omg I hope it was okay ><
> 
> You can look forward to some Saeran pov next chapter (: Till next update, and happy chinese new year everyone! ^^


	5. Little Annoyances

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Baeran's pov hehe.

The sound of the keys on the keyboard clacking away and his quiet breathing was all that filled the room. His eyes were glued onto the computer screen, filtering out the information that he needed. He was rusty, the feel of the keys unfamiliar to his stiff fingers that had not touched it in ages. He had even found a thin sheet of dust settled over the keyboard and screen when he first laid his eyes on his computer again.

And to think he promised himself that he would never go back to this again... His fingers paused from their movements, and then the room became silent again, except for the long sigh that he released as he hung his head low.

What was he even doing?

His eyes flitted over to the open notebook lying on his desk. The information he had gathered in the past hour had been written down neatly on its clean white pages in bullet points. If it were him in the past, he would have collected much more in half the time he was taking now. If his brother were to see him...

He rolled his eyes at the thought. Saeyoung always thought he was all that just because he was the better hacker.

Not that it was a competition anyway. He wasn’t a hacker anymore. He was simply borrowing the skills he had learnt to find out more about... _her._

Her name echoed in his mind, and he could already feel the syllables rolling off his tongue, though he did not say it aloud. Almost as if her name was too precious, too pure to be tainted by his corrupt lips. That, and he wouldn’t want to risk having Saeyoung overhearing or something. His brother had all sorts of tricks up his sleeve and he would _not_ have Saeyoung poking his nose into this.

Saeran glanced out the window just beside his desk where he was situated. Through the clear glass, crystal daylight filtered in to rest on his face. The sky was clear today, with only the thinnest and barest streaks of white adorning it in the far distance. It would be nice to go out to the park about now. It was already 6.28pm according to the digital clock on his desk.

His eyes turned back to the computer screen that was currently cluttered with numerous open files and windows. There was still so much left to do, so much left to find out about her. She was strange, a woman unlike any other he had seen before. Of course, there was MC, the only woman he knew who could stand being with Saeyoung, but that was beside the point.

She was common, just a normal woman who would walk past him every day in the evenings as she headed back home, blocking his view of the sky for just two seconds as she went on her way. He didn’t know when she first noticed him. Nor did he know who started noticing first.

All he knew was that the first time he tore his eyes away from the sky to look at her, she had been standing there, her figure small from the distance between them, looking at him too.

She was different. That much he could tell, even though he never interacted much with people. He never felt the need to, nor did he wish to. With strangers you could never tell what they were thinking behind the smile they wore, or the frowns on their faces as they spoke to you. Human were conniving, deceitful creatures that couldn’t be trusted, except maybe for a select few.

The only people he could trust were his brother, MC and the RFA members. Perfectly logical, given all that they had done for him, despite his background and past actions.

But, for her? It was both scary and intriguing how he could feel so comfortable around her, even when he barely knew anything about her. There was just a quality in her that he had never found in anyone else, in the way she would wordlessly lock gazes with him, observe him, attentively note every single detail about him, to the point where he didn’t know if he should be impressed or repelled. It made him feel vulnerable beneath her gaze, as if it could penetrate his very being.

There was also the fact that she didn’t expect a conversation from him. Most people did. They would ask him questions, or expect him to initiate something just so it wouldn’t be awkward. But it seemed enough for her to sit next to him and admire the same view of the sky as he did. Oddly enough, he didn’t feel awkward around her. In fact, she was pleasant to be with. Certainly, she was a curious person, one who always seemed to have many questions behind her wide eyes as she stared at him. The only thing was that she never showed it very much.

He supposed... they might be somewhat similar.

She was an enigma of sorts. Different, unique, alien, special. He wanted to know more, understand more about her. Find out who she was exactly. He wanted to ensure that she was someone who could be trusted without a doubt. Hence, the reason for his research.

Saeran glanced downwards to the table to where his notebook was... no— _should_ _have been._

With a jump he became alerted to the presence of another in his room. The person must have intruded while he had been lost in his thoughts. Great. Since when had his senses dulled to this extent?

In a flash he was off his chair and reaching out to swipe the notebook from the thief’s hand. “Give it back!”

He ducked the notebook out of reach swiftly, causing Saeran’s hand to swipe at the air. “Saeran, you’re checking up on someone? And it’s a girl?” The redhead asked nonchalantly as he glossed over the contents of the notebook and began reading it out.

“Basic information... Name, age, address... Oh, there’s a photo too. She’s pretty cute...”

“You idiot! Give it back!” the younger of the two shouted, still trying to wrestle the notebook out of his older brother’s grip.

“Hey, that’s a mean thing to say about your older brother,” Saeyoung chided with an impish laugh. “Who’s this? Your girlfrien— Guahh!”

In the next moment, Saeran tackled his brother to the ground and gave him a hard punch to the chest for good measure before snatching the notebook away. Its pages were now crumpled, much to his annoyance. “Get _out_ of my room!”

     “Aww, come on, Saeran,” Saeyoung pouted, wincing as he got up from the floor and rubbed the new sore spot on his chest, “I wanna know! Who’s that girl? How did you get to know her? Are you interested in—”

“Stop asking—”

“—someone? Don’t tell me, you’ve been going out every evening to see her?”

“Saeyoung, I swear—”

“Oh my Elly this is so romantic! Saeran, why didn’t you tell me?”

“Shut up and get the hell out of here,” he threatened through gritted teeth, “before I tell MC about how your new robot cat burnt half of the couch—”

“W-Wait!” Saeyoung started, slapping his hand over his brother’s mouth. “Sorry sorry sorry please don’t tell her I promise I won’t ask anymore!”

Saeran narrowed his eyes. As if he couldn’t tell what his brother’s next move would be. “You better not try to look up information about her on your own,” he warned. If there was anything he particularly hated about Saeyoung, it was his insatiable curiosity towards anything related to him.

“But if we work together we could get more info— Ah, ah, okay, okay, I get it. I’ll stop. I won't do anything, I promise. You can stop glaring now. Don’t get so mad.”

“...You’d better.”

“But, you know, there’s no need to by shy if it’s a girl you like. It’s a good age for you to get a girlfriend, anyway.”

Saeran groaned. That was enough of Saeyoung’s nonsense for one day. All this noise was starting to make his head hurt. Hastily, he closed the notebook and placed it in the drawer under his desk. He then proceeded to save his files as quickly as he could so he could shut his computer down. “Quit jumping to your own conclusions. Did you come in just so you could snoop around?”

“Ah, nope, nope,” Saeyoung smiled, pushing his glasses up his nose bridge. “MC and I are making steak for dinner, so we wanted to know if you would like yours cat-shaped or heart-shaped.”

Saeran’s eye twitched. What kind of... They were impossible, really. “Save that for yourselves.”

Saeyoung’s protests trailed behind him as he trudged out of the room. “But Saeran, I’m gonna pour out my heart and soul into this meal...”

“Yeah right. MC always does most of the work because you can’t cook to save a life,” Saeran muttered with an eye roll. They arrived at the living room where the dining table was. MC was there, wearing a bright pink apron with a giant Longcat icon stamped in the middle of it. She was having a short break, sipping on a drink, and she perked up when she noticed the two brothers approaching.

“I heard some noise earlier. Is everything okay?”

“Yes, honey, everything’s fine. Saeran was just telling me he wanted some heart-shaped steak.”

“I didn’t—”

“Oh, that’s great,” MC beamed. “I was worried that you wouldn’t like my suggestions.” Saeran’s protests promptly died on his tongue. MC was a nice person, and he didn’t want to upset her since she was the one cooking for them. He shot his brother a sharp glare which Saeyoung pretended not to see. Instead, the jolly redhead went prancing towards his wife and helped to remove some sauce stains on her cheek, starting a new subject that sounded like it would become disgustingly cheesy in T-minus 9.58 seconds.

Saeran let out a sigh. He supposed this was his cue to leave the couple alone for a while. “You guys can go ahead first. I’ll eat when I get back,” he said as he headed towards the front door.

“Huh?” MC spoke up. “Aren’t you eating with us today?”

“It depends.”

“But Saeran—” Saeyoung began. It only made the man pick up his walking pace. He wasn’t about to stay and deal with any more of his brother’s idiocy. “Bye.” Before they could say anything else, he shut the front door behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

The park was a little noisier than usual, as it always was on a Friday night. With his hands in the pockets of his jeans, he walked past children playing in the sandbox of the playground, young couples taking a stroll with their hands tightly interlocked, elderly folk idly seated on benches or doing some group exercises in one of the larger pavilions.

It didn’t take long for him to locate the bench that he usually sat at. It was in the quietest corner of the park, shied away from the lively chorus of laughter and background conversations amongst other park-goers. Only the occasional runner or passer-by would come by here.

Speaking of which, he wondered when she would be coming today. He took his spot to the right of the bench as he checked his phone for the time. 6.53pm. She was a little late today. He glanced towards his left, noting the emptiness of the bench. It unnerved him somewhat, that her absence could make him feel bothered, if only vaguely.

Would she come today? She hadn’t come yesterday, which had made him feel an overwhelming anxiety for the first time in a very, very long time. Recalling those days that passed with something similar to this, the days when he would peek out through the thick curtains draped over the windows in his old house to catch the smallest glimpse of the sky out here, waiting for his brother to return, made his heart clench.

He never thought he would ever have to feel this way again. Not when he was finally free, to stay out here for as long as he wished, to savor the taste of ice cream on his tongue anytime he wanted, found a place he could belong. For good.

She was dangerous, without a doubt. He didn’t like it at all that her absence could make the worst possible scenarios run through his twisted head, and make him feel so sick with worry that it was difficult to breathe.

And yet, he couldn’t find it in him to run away from her. Each time he gazed into her eyes, or made the slightest physical contact, he felt like he was being sucked into a black hole. Perhaps she was a witch, who had cast some sort of spell on him. She must have done something to him. There was no other reason for his abnormal, irrational behaviour.

Their conversation from the day before rang in his ears. She would stop coming here the day he did? He released a small exhale. What a thing to say. She was strange, alright. But, he did find himself wondering when that would be.

Just then, he felt his phone buzzing in his pocket. He ignored it initially, having yet to observe the sky for the day. The sky was a pale blue as the sun peeked out from behind some tall trees in the distance. A peachy tint lined the thin grayish purple clouds divided sparsely across the largely empty sky. They looked like the gummy snakes that Saeyoung had gotten him just a few days back as a treat, albeit much less colorful.

What would it be like to live up there? Did souls go there after death? Was heaven hidden by an invisible sphere somewhere behind the clouds too?

...Was V living up there too?

He trained his gaze intently at the sky, hoping it would give him some kind of answer.

As always, it didn’t.

Another long vibration from his phone caused him to snap back to reality. What was going on? He pulled out his phone, intending to mute it altogether, when the next few message notifications from a new chatroom caught his eye.

 **Yoosung:** OMG. IS THIS TRUE??

 **Zen:** Are you serious? Wait, this is Saeran you’re talking about right?

 **Yoosung:** SAEYOUNG HURRY UP AND ANSWER US

Saeran could feel irritation welling up in him already. The mention of his name in the chatroom was making him dread seeing what kind of gossip his brother had decided to spread about him.

Reluctantly, he entered the chatroom, mentally preparing himself for the major fuse that would likely blow, considering that his brother was involved.

 

_[Saeran has entered the chatroom.]_

**Zen:** Oh, he’s here.

 **Yoosung:** SAERAN

 **Yoosung:** SDKFLWOIESDNF;;

 **Saeran:** What did Saeyoung say now.

 **Zen:** He’s saying that you got a girlfriend without telling any of us... but he’s kidding, right?

 **Zen:** I mean, there’s no way you would get a girl before me, right?

 **Yoosung:** Saeran, how could you leave us behind!!!! HOW COULD YOU

 **Saeran:**...

 **Saeran:** Saeyoung, I’m giving you three seconds to confess and repent. Otherwise I’m telling MC.

 **Saeran:** 1

 **Saeran:** 2

 **Saeyoung:** SAERAN NO

 **Saeran:** 3

 **Saeyoung:** S

 **Saeyoung:** O

 **Saeyoung:** R

 **Saeyoung:** R

 **Saeran:** Talk.

 **Saeyoung:** Y

 **Zen:** Lolololol he’s pissed. You’re in so much trouble now.

 **Yoosung:** Who cares about that?! Saeran, is it true that you got a girlfriend? Without telling us????

 **Saeran:** Of course not. Why would you believe anything my brother says? He’s just talking nonsense like he usually does.

 **Saeyoung:** I have evidence

 **Saeyoung:** To prove

 **Saeyoung:** that Saeran is seeing someone

 **Saeyoung:** 1\. Every evening, he goes out to the park

 **Saeran:** Stop

 **Saeyoung:** and spends an abnormal amount of time there. 1.4720 hours, on average, to be exact.

 **Zen:** Hmm... that does sound suspicious.

 **Yoosung:** Yeah... There’s nothing much to do at a park.

 **Saeyoung** : 2. He has turned into a stalker.

 **Zen:** Omg lolololololol

 **Zen:** Are you serious?

 **Zen:** What, did you hack to find information about the girl?

 **Saeran:** We had a deal.

 **Saeran:** I knew I couldn’t trust you.

 **Saeyoung:** I only promised not to hack to find out information about her. Didn’t say I wouldn’t tell the members so they can snoop around for me.

 **Zen:** ...Wait.

 **Zen:** Wait wait wait

 **Zen:** You seriously did? You actually hacked to find information about her?

 **Yoosung:** O_O Saeran did you really

 **Saeran:** I did not.

 **Saeyoung:** Liar, I found your notebook~

 **Yoosung:** WHAT’S IN IT

 **Saeyoung:** Can’t say. Classifed information.

 **Saeran:** ...

 **Saeran:** MC and I are going to have a serious talk later.

 **Saeyoung:** WAhT

 **Saeyoung:** But I

 **Saeyoung:** didan’t sayg anywething

 **Saeran:** :)

 **Saeyoung:** PLEESAE

_[Saeran has left the chatroom]_

 

He muted his phone with a huff, trying to take deep breaths to calm himself down. That idiot... He was really asking for a beating. Talk about an annoying brother to ruin what would have otherwise been a pleasant Friday evening.

Right, he was supposed to get ice cream today. He had completely forgotten about that. He had better hurry to go get it before she arrived.

So without wasting another second he stuffed his phone back in his pocket as he got to his feet. The moment he glanced up however, his body froze, his feet rooted to the ground and his breath caught in his throat.  

Because there she was, standing a couple of steps away from him, with two ice cream cones in hand, looking rather amused at his unusually worked up state. He felt his face flush as he hastily looked away, embarrassed that she had caught him in such an unguarded state. And he couldn't even plaster on a poker face now. 

...He was _so_ making Saeyoung pay for this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may have gone overboard with the chatroom but that was just too fun. ^^
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter!


	6. Tease

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT NOTICE: I’m going to change the archive warnings and rating for this story after further planning.
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: There will be future instances of violence, as well as themes relating to past self-harm/suicidal thoughts. As much as I would like to keep these concepts out of my stories if I can help it, I believe it is essential to Saeran’s character/story, hence the change. That said, I'm going to try making it all as mild as possible. I will be putting up this notice on chapter 1 and in my tags as well. 
> 
> Apologies for making such a belated decision, but I’ve been giving it a lot of thought and I’m sorry if I let any of you down because of this!

You had never seen him like this before. His jaw was set, his eyes narrowed into small slits, and his eyebrows pressed downwards into a deep scowl as he glared at his phone screen. His bangs were falling over his eyes, and you would catch the smallest hint of glowing mint each time the breeze brushed against his fiery red hair or whenever he fidgeted while typing furiously away on his screen.

You could feel the ice cream melting, drops of the sweet dessert starting to flow down the waffle cone onto your fingers, but you didn’t care. You were enthralled, amused even, by this side of him that he had never shown you before. He was always calm, like a tranquil river, never bristling with annoyance like he was now. It was also one of the rare occasions you had seen him on his phone too, instead of sky-watching while lost in his thoughts.

You couldn’t help but wonder who it was that was making him so irritated. It seemed to you that not many people could bring out such a reaction from him. Perhaps it was a disagreeable family member, or someone very close to him.

You quelled the urge to go up to him and ask him about it, instead choosing to content yourself with simply standing there and watching him, maybe until he put his phone away, or when you had finished imprinting that newly discovered expression of his in your head.

Or, of course, when the ice cream started to melt a little too much.

You were about to approach him, since the ice cream couldn’t wait any longer, but thankfully, you didn’t need to worry about interrupting him from his virtual conversation on his phone. Just as you made that decision, he shoved his phone back into his pocket, and stood up.

And then your gazes met.

You had never seen him look so flustered before. Not even once. His ears were slowly turning the lightest shade of pink, his eyes widening in shock as they remained locked on yours. His lips parted in a silent gasp, and his hands clenched and unclenched from loose fists at his side.

It was his first moment of vulnerability in front of you. He was unguarded, the surprise and embarrassment on his face raw, genuine, not hidden by the blank mask he usually had on.

You couldn’t help the amused smile that your lips curved into. That only seemed to make him even more bashful, for he hastily looked away and stuffed his hands into his pockets, probably so you wouldn’t catch him wiping his sweaty palms against his jeans.

Feeling a little mischievous, you began taking small steps towards him, taking your time to close the distance between the both of you. Each time you got closer, the reddening blush on his cheeks became even clearer to your curious eyes. “Here you go,” you said, offering the cone to him once you got close enough. Technically, it was his turn to get ice cream this week, at least, according to the unspoken agreement between you two that entailed a weekly rotation for this duty. He had seemed busy on his phone when you spotted him earlier though, so you had taken the liberty of getting it today too.

Perhaps it was because of his embarrassment, for no protest was uttered when he accepted the cone from you. “It’s melting, so eat it quickly.” You chuckled when you saw him panic at the unusually watery state of his ice cream. He nodded, muttering a word of thanks before taking his spot on the bench once more. You followed suit, licking at the sweet droplets of melted ice cream that were beginning to spill out of the confines of the waffle cone.

Quite absently you glanced over at him, and the sight of him with his pink tongue stuck out cutely to lick away the melted ice cream made your heart skip a beat. At times like these, he seemed like just a little boy. Another pure, genuine side of him on display just for you to see.

His pupils darted to the side to meet your eyes. With a small start, you returned your attention to your ice cream cone, trying to ignore the sight of him staring at you from the corner of your eye. It seemed it was your turn to get caught off-guard. You willed your cheeks to stop heating up, barely suppressing the urge to smear the cool ice cream all over them just to stop them from reddening.

In the few seconds that his eyes were on you, it felt like time was dragging on and on, his fiery gaze burning holes into your head. When he finally looked away and returned his attention to his treat, you heaved a small sigh of relief. You could never concentrate on anything when he looked at you the way he did, studying you, examining your every word and action.

You wondered if he felt the same way when you did that to him, scrutinizing every action and habit of his as if he were a rare specimen located beneath the lens of a microscope.

At that moment, a small vibration that you felt through the bench snapped you out of your thoughts. You could hear a tiny buzzing sound too. You thought it was your phone, until Saeran made an irritated grunt in the back of his throat and yanked his phone out of his pocket. In less than a second, a scowl appeared on his face and he resolutely turned it off before stuffing it back in his pocket.

You tried to keep your amusement from showing, but the small breath of laughter that you emitted failed to go past his notice. Before you knew it, the scowl was directed at you too, as he demanded, “What?” in a harsher tone than you were accustomed to hearing. He immediately regretted doing that though, apparently realizing that he was speaking to you. It was plain in the way his scowl dropped instantly, replaced with bewilderment. His face started turning a bright shade of red as he looked away, mumbling a vague apology for his rudeness.

Honestly, you were far too amused at the way he could change his demeanor so quickly to even think about getting upset over his little blunder. It was a side of him he had never shown you before, and you wanted to see more of it.

“Who was it?” you questioned, leaning a little towards him and bending down as you tried to make your face level with his. He stubbornly refused to look you in the eye, however, turning to look the other way. “No one important.”

“Really?”

“It’s nothing... Stop looking at me,” he muttered with a dismissive wave of his hand to shoo you away.

You decided to comply with his request, withdrawing slightly from him, but it wasn’t every day that you got to tease him. It was fun, and you wanted to see what kind of reaction he would make if you pushed this just a little more.

“Why not? Are you shy?”

“...No.”

"You’re blushing.”

“N-No, I’m not!”

“Yeah, I was kidding, you’re not,” you laughed. A small lie like this wouldn’t hurt. You didn’t dare to go any further than this, he seemed plenty annoyed already. He sent you a mild sideways glare at the sound of your laugh, releasing a long exhale as he took a large bite into his cone.

“Sorry for teasing you,” you said apologetically. “Are you mad?”

"It’s fine,” he replied, puffing his cheeks out slightly. “I’m not mad.”

A smile touched your lips. He was softer at heart than he appeared to be. As you continued nibbling on your cone in silence, your gaze traveled towards the bulge in his pocket. You wished he would tell you who it was. You weren’t a particularly nosy person; it was simply that he intrigued you endlessly. Was it a family member? A friend?

A girlfriend?

The thought had never occurred to you before, simply because he was always seated alone out here in the evenings, never with anyone. He didn’t seem like the type who would be in a relationship. Even so, you didn’t want to make any assumptions.

You disliked the unpleasant feelings stirring within you at the thought of him having a girlfriend. You wouldn’t call it jealousy, but it unsettled you. Even if he didn’t have one now, if he ever got one in the future, would you still be able to meet with him like this? Would you still have the chance to get closer to him?

You realized then that you didn’t want to lose this, the precious meetings you would have with him nearly every day, the small exchanges you would share, the quiet staring matches you had with him. You didn’t want all of this to disappear.

You mentally berated yourself for having such strange thoughts, and promptly shrugged them off, channeling your energy into eating your ice cream. You took another bite of the cone into your mouth, realizing with some disappointment that your cone was already half gone. You sighed inwardly. Was there a way to get a bigger cone for the same price? Or buy ice cream that would never melt?

The thought of wanting to spend more time out here in the park with him had been crossing your mind more frequently than you would have liked lately. You also tended to wonder if he thought the same.

Maybe it was just your imagination, but you were fairly sure that Saeran’s eating pace matched yours, one that helped to drag out the time you two had together second by second. You glanced over then, seeing that he had finished almost the same amount as you had.

“Is something wrong?” he asked, catching your eye.

It was an assumption, but... perhaps you weren’t the only one who thought that way.

You shook your head, offering him a smile. “No, everything’s fine.”

Hopefully, this would never disappear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hihi, just a head’s up for you guys, next update will take a longer time to arrive, because Valentine’s day is coming up and that means hell week at the florist’s ahahaha. OTL I’ll try to update it within a week if I’m not too dead! (: 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	7. A Favor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol sorry guys, I wanted to do a Valentine’s day extra before continuing with the next chapter, but I couldn’t finish it because of all the work I had to do, and it’s already way past Valentine’s day... Oh well.

You had always thought that your daily meetings with Saeran were a secret kept only between the two of you, more or less. At least, that was what you had wanted to think. It just sounded more special that way. It wasn’t as if your meetings needed to be intentionally hidden; it wouldn’t be hard for anyone close to either of you to figure out that you were meeting someone every day at this time, anyway.

Well, you supposed someone would figure it out eventually. You just didn’t think the situation would come to this, and on a Friday, to boot.

Right now, standing in front of you, was a beautiful woman you had never seen in the vicinity of the park before today. If you had, you were sure you would have remembered someone as striking as her. Her bright, straight red hair that cascaded to the small of her back looked almost shiny beneath the dim evening rays. She was wearing a long, flowing white dress that stopped mid-calf, as well as a sun hat that cast a shadow over her eyes. It made the beautiful golden sheen in her eyes stand out, like glittering topaz stones. You wondered what a person like her would be doing in a common place like a park. She looked like a celebrity, and for a moment you had to rack your brains to see if you recalled any celebrity you knew who looked like her.

She raised a hand to tuck loose strands of hair behind her ear, and offered you a coy smile. It dawned on you then that you had been staring at her quite foolishly for the past minute. You had gotten so used to staring at Saeran you had forgotten that it wasn’t exactly polite to do that to other people as well.

“Could you... could you perhaps, repeat that?” you asked, having yet to fully register her words when she introduced herself earlier.

Her lips stretched into a wider smile as she let out a small breath of laughter. “My name is Mary Vanderwood 3rd, and I’m Saeran’s girlfriend.”

 _Girlfriend._ So you hadn’t heard it wrong. You hoped that the sinking feeling in your chest was because you were seriously craving that ice cream which Saeran was taking an abnormally long amount of time to buy.

You couldn’t even bring yourself to register the peculiarity of her name. (Was her last name 3rd, or was it Vanderwood? Did she come from a line of royals?) Perhaps it was from shock. You hadn’t expected Saeran to actually have a girlfriend. Granted, the topic never came up between the both of you, but you had always assumed otherwise.

“I see...” you said, not quite sure what to say. You didn’t know her, nor could you grasp the feelings that were stirring uncomfortably within you. You felt sick, and it felt like your heart was slowly being dragged down to the pit of your stomach. Why? You couldn’t possibly have fallen for...

Unless, you had already... before you even realized it...

You tried to shake those thoughts from your head, attempting to ignore the dull ache that was growing in the base of your throat that made it hard to speak and breathe. There was no point in thinking about that. His girlfriend was here, and she was probably looking for him. You hoped that she wasn’t upset about you meeting him here every day, even though he was already with her, or that this would be the last time you would get to meet Saeran in the park like this.

“Have you been meeting Saeran here every day?” she inquired in a gentle voice that you were not expecting. You couldn’t detect any disdain or malice in it whatsoever, so you raised your head to meet her in the eyes. All you saw was kindness and genuine curiosity in them.

You could see why she was a good fit for him. Saeran needed kindness, and you were glad that he had found someone who could give him just that.

“Yes, I have,” you replied with a small dip of your head.

“I’m glad,” she grinned, closing her eyes and raising her head to face the sky. Her shoulders dropped and she released a big sigh of relief before looking at you again. “I’m glad he found a friend.”

 _Friend._ You weren’t really sure about that. You supposed that would be the closest definition of your relationship, but it wasn’t exactly it, either. There were still so many things you didn’t know about him — you never really spoke much about yourselves. Talking was minimal with the both of you; silence was the bond that tied you to him when you were together. You learned about each other through keen observation, staring matches, to pick up on the little details. It was far from your typical friendship.

Then there was the fact that you didn't know if he even regarded you as a friend. He wasn't as cold as he used to be, but you wouldn’t object to him talking more and opening up more to you. Of course, you had a feeling he didn't do that with most people. The fact that he wanted you to be here as well was good enough for you, so you were already a minority in a way. 

You checked the time, and realized that Saeran would be getting back with the ice cream soon. You didn't want to be here when he came. Maybe it was because you didn't like being a third wheel, or maybe a part of you didn't want to see what kind of expression he had reserved just for his girlfriend to see. You knew it would spark off something rather unpleasant in you, and you didn't want to hang around for that to happen.

“Saeran should be back soon, so I guess I’ll get going so you two can have some time together,” you stated then. There would be little meaning in staying since she was here now, anyway.

You turned around, ready to leave, when she stopped you. “W-Wait!”

With a raised eyebrow, you peered over your shoulder at the woman who seemed to be deliberating on what else she could say to you. Her face lit up when something clicked in her head. “Since he’ll take a while to get ice cream, we should talk more!”

You supposed that was true, but... “How did you know he’s getting ice cream—”

“Ahahaha! Wow, I know my boyfriend so well it’s like we’re twins! I-I mean, twin... _aliens_ born from outer space! Yes yes, that’s it!” She continued laughing nervously, and you couldn’t help but suspect she was hiding something from you. Apart from that, beneath her coy appearance, she seemed to be rather talkative and friendly. The polar opposite of Saeran. The thought of them on a date together... It rather amused you.

It also upset you. Just a little.

She then ushered you towards the bench, and you frowned a little when you noticed her take your spot on the left side. You quickly brushed it off though, mentally chiding yourself for being so petty and taking a seat next to her.

“Are you sure about me not leaving? I don’t want to impose on anything.”

“It’s okay, I don’t plan on staying here. You two just carry on with whatever you were planning to do,” she grinned, nodding a little too enthusiastically. It looked like her sun hat would fall off her head at this rate.

You shot her a look of puzzlement. “Didn’t you come to meet him?”

She shook her head. “No, I just came to see what sort of person you were, and I’m glad to know that it’s you.”

“Oh.” Your response was lacking, but you couldn’t really understand her. She was an eccentric person, that was for sure. Kind of like him, but eccentric in a different way. For a while, there was an awkward silence between the both of you, neither of you having much to say to the other. You used the sky to distract yourself, hoping that she would start a conversation soon.

Thankfully, she was a fast thinker, and before long she was chatting again. “So, what’s Saeran like when he’s with you?” she asked.

“Pardon?” The question had caught you off guard slightly.

“How does he behave? Does he talk a lot? Smile? Laugh?”

The corners of your lips lifted upwards. “If you’re concerned about anything, there’s nothing going on between us,” you stated wryly.

She blinked twice, taking a moment to comprehend what you had just said, before her lower lip protruded in a pout. "Really? That's such a pity..."

You cocked your head to the side, confused. "...Sorry, what?" Had you heard her wrong?

"I-I mean... Ahahahahaha!" The loud laughter that burst out of her all of a sudden made you lean away slightly. She was definitely a strange one. "My brain malfunctions on an average of 0.5483 times a minute, sorry about that," she continued, apparently trying to cover up for the mistake she made. It didn't really help to ease your confusion. Then she waved her hand dismissively at you. “I’m not the type who gets jealous easily,” she grinned. “I was genuinely curious when I asked you that.”

"Oh...” It was nice that she was so easygoing. You could feel yourself warming up to her already. Saeran must have found it easy to open up to her too. “We don’t talk all that much when we’re here. And... he doesn’t smile or laugh very often.”

You suddenly felt a hand on your shoulder, and you jumped.

“Ah, sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she said. Her expression had morphed into one of shock and wonder, for some reason. “In other words, you’ve seen him smile before? And he... he _laughed_?”

It struck you as odd why she was making such a big deal out of it. Shouldn’t she be used to seeing him do those things? “Yes...” you replied, “he never really laughed, but he’s chuckled a couple of times before.”

“I can’t believe it...” It was almost scary how wide her eyes had grown, and she looked away, as if seriously contemplating something.

"Is anything the matter?” you inquired, but she didn’t seem to hear you. Her eyes were darting about as she pondered over your words, the skin on her forehead crinkling as she furrowed her brows in deep thought. Eventually, she managed to gather her wits about herself and then she spoke again.

“I have a favor to ask of you.”

Your eyes darted to hers, and you found that all playfulness in her face was gone, replaced with stark seriousness. Almost as if she had transformed into a different person altogether. “Please, stay by his side.” Her voice had softened, and it sounded a few tones deeper. If your eyes were covered, you would have easily mistaken her for a man. 

Your lips parted, but you couldn’t voice an appropriate response. She took your silence as an indicator that she could continue. “Saeran, he... doesn’t have a lot of friends, and it seems that he’s comfortable around you, so... I hope that you’ll stay with him. He may not say very much, and he can be pretty cold around people, but deep down, he’s a kind person. He’s just... scared of opening up sometimes, because he’s been hurt before. And he suffered for a long time, and at some point, he gave up on people...” she trailed off, her eyes clouding with moisture. She lowered her head then, the sun hat hiding her eyes from your line of sight. It took her a few moments to regain her composure, and then she raised her head once more, offering you a wide smile.

“Please, help him believe again, in the kindness and warmth that people can give him. Help him... so that he doesn’t ever feel alone again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be back to edit this further!! I would have updated this earlier but I got an idea for another Saeran fic just a few days ago and I’ve been busy drafting the first chapter and doing up research for it. I won’t publish that new one until “Believe Again” is finished, which could take a while... 
> 
> But, I’ll probably post the first chapter for that new one on my tumblr when I’m done to see how the feedback is. :) 
> 
> Oh, and just a head’s up, I’m getting my A’level results back this Friday so I’m not sure whether I’ll be too affected to write and stuff. So I can’t tell you for sure when the next update will come, but I hope it won’t take two weeks again haha.


	8. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter ended up becoming way longer than I expected it to be, but I had a blast writing this. The words just wouldn’t stop coming. Hope you enjoy!

Saeran felt his eye twitch as yet another drop of ice cream fell from a loose strand of his hair onto his cheek, just barely missing his right eye.

Drawing in a deep breath, he bit down on his tongue to keep from spewing vulgarities in front of the children who were happily enjoying their ice cream just a short distance away, having blissfully managed to avoid the colossal tragedy that had just taken place. He looked once more towards the sorry excuse for an ice cream truck, in which the owner was at a complete loss and doing what he could to clean up the pools of ice cream that had formed on the counter, on the sides of the truck, all while trying to avoid stepping on the ice cream puddles on the ground.

This was just a terrible stroke of luck. It was unfortunate, but there was nothing he could do about it. There was no use moping over an ice cream date that wouldn’t happen now; all he could do now was to hurry back to the bench so he wouldn’t keep her waiting.

The only thing was, he was currently drenched from head to toe in ice cream.

Frustrated, he released a long, angry exhale. Talk about a disaster.

    

* * *

 

 

Saeyoung was having the time of his life. Correction, _Mary Vanderwood 3rd_ was.

He was taking a liking to this girl very quickly, kind of like how speedily he had fallen for MC in just eleven days. The only thing was that she was far quieter and shier than MC was, in the way that Saeran was. Her presence was soothing, her person calm and attentive. He could see now why Saeran was attracted to this girl, even if his stiff lips refused to admit it.

It was clear to him that she cared about his brother too. She had been quite blank for the past few minutes, no doubt concerned and pondering over what he had told her about Saeran. Thankfully, she seemed to understand that he couldn’t give her any more details, though he could tell she was somewhat uncomfortable with his vague explanation. Hopefully when the time was right, Saeran would be able to open up to her on his own.

Honestly, they were perfect for each other. They just didn’t know it yet.

"Saeran is taking a while...” she commented then, having returned to reality. She glanced around and he followed suit, hoping that Saeran hadn’t gotten here yet. He had promised Saeran he wouldn’t hack for information, so this was the only way he could do it. But as inconvenient as it was, he had to admit, collecting information like this was way more fun. He never really talked to many people outside of the RFA, not even after the whole ordeal with Mint Eye, and MC had been trying to get him to socialize more. He hadn’t believed her when she said it would be pleasant to meet people just for the sake of getting to know them better instead of doing it because he was being paid to. He only did that with the RFA, never with strangers.

There was no denying that he had a hidden agenda talking to this girl, but he did find himself genuinely trying to understand her better, and MC was right, as she always was. Talking to people like this was nice.

He would love to stay here longer, or better yet, take her back to the house as a gift for Saeran — which would no doubt end up in his premature funeral arrangements — but he had to leave before Saeran found out he had been here. And before he could figure out that he had tinkered _just_ a little with the ice cream truck before this to stall for time. It was supposed to make a pretty big mess, but his little brother would definitely be smart enough to avoid it, though his kind nature would probably make him help the owner of the truck clean things up.

Compensating the owner went without saying, but neither Saeran nor MC needed to know about that. He had already landed himself in hot soup after Saeran exposed his crime to MC, and MC in turn, had punished him by refusing to let him drive his babies for a full week. They would take cabs around, she had declared, knowing full well that he hardly had any reason to go around, as an officially unemployed retiree.

The thought made him deflate like a balloon, and he wiped an imaginary tear off his cheek. Not his babies...

“Are you alright?” The woman next to him asked. She must have actually thought he was crying.

Quickly plastering on a big smile, he shook his head, indicating that he was perfectly fine. “Anyway, I think I should go soon, before Saeran gets back,” he said, getting up and smoothing out the wrinkles in his pretty summer dress. Technically it was MC’s. (He may or may not have just borrowed it without her permission.)

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay?” she inquired, looking a little uncertain.

“Nah, I’ll see him when I get home— I-I mean,” he corrected nervously when her eyes grew wide in shock, “When I... see him. Yeah. I’ll see him when I see him. Because, you know, home is where your love is! Ahahaha...”

She let out an awkward chuckle in response, shaking her head slightly. She must be thinking he was weird and embarrassing. Saeran always complained about it.

That was why he hadn’t been expecting her to say what she did next.

“I’m glad Saeran has you by his side,” she smiled, although he could tell it didn’t quite reach her eyes. He recognized that look; back when he had to hide his feelings and convince himself that he could never be with MC, he often found himself with the same sadness in his eyes when he looked in the mirror in the gloomy mornings and late nights.

A small part of him kind of regretted telling her that he was Saeran’s girlfriend now, because he couldn’t find it in him to tell her the truth, now that it seemed she trusted him somewhat.

This was MC all over again. Great. Just great.

Seriously, was this a twin thing? Finding the same kind of women who could induce the same kind of guilt in them?

He realized he must have looked quite befuddled for a good minute or two, because she was starting to look concerned for his mental wellbeing. His eyes softened. She could make Saeran happy. He just knew it.

“No, thank you for being with him all this while,” he said with a gentle smile. “Take care of him for me, alright?”

The tips of her ears started to turn a rosy shade of pink, and she lowered her gaze a little bashfully as she nodded. “I will.”

That was all he needed to hear. Now, time to get home.

“SAEYOUNG!!! I KNOW THAT’S YOU THERE!”

Time to get home faster.

 

* * *

 

 

If looks could kill, Saeran would have killed his brother about a thousand times over by now.

He had only just left the spot where the ice cream truck was to return to the meeting spot, with no cones in hand, and with most of the excess ice cream out of his clothes and hair. He still smelled quite distinctly sweetly of vanilla and chocolate. He would probably have to go home much earlier than expected to clean himself up, or risk getting bitten to death by the ants crawling around here.

Nevertheless, this was a notch better than going to meet her utterly dripping and drenched in syrup, thanks to the ice cream truck owner. Mr. Jin, he had called himself. It appeared that he recognized Saeran as one of his regulars already, even though he had never spoken to him before. To thank Saeran for his help in cleaning up, he had offered him a bunch of napkins to clean himself off as best as he could. While they were both wiping the stains off of their clothes and hair, Mr. Jin had wondered aloud what on earth could have happened to his truck.

Out of goodwill and sympathy for the poor man, Saeran had offered to take a look at what might have gone wrong. He almost immediately regretted doing that, since it would mean keeping her waiting a little longer, but he had already gone and flapped his mouth, so he may as well do a quick job of finishing it. Saeran had limited experience in engineering and mechanics, but his experience as a hacker had helped him figure out that the pipes had been tampered with, at the very least.

By whom though, he didn’t know.

That is, until, he laid his eyes on a certain redhead seated on the bench with his date, that was.

He didn't even have time to spare to feel embarrassed for actually referring to her as his “date” in his mind. All he knew was that he had seen that sun hat, that dress, and those long, luscious red locks in the form of a prized wig that his brother had kept in a corner of his closet, along with his other cross-dressing props.

And then suddenly everything clicked. The ice cream truck breaking down, the culprit who had done it, the way he hadn’t asked him for any information about the girl he was meeting with every day for the past week, almost too suspiciously.

He should have known better than to trust Saeyoung.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! When would he learn?

The only thing he could take comfort in was that MC would not be pleased to know about his shenanigans today, and he was fairly certain that dress belonged to MC too. But, that could wait. His blood was starting to boil and he didn’t bother restraining himself when he opened his mouth and let out a mighty shout.

"SAEYOUNG!!! I KNOW THAT’S YOU THERE!”

Said twin who had been about to leave, froze in his tracks, before running off, nearly dropping his sunhat in the process.

As if he would let this go so easily. There was quite the distance between them, but Saeran was still the fitter of the two, and his brother was impeded by his heels and his need to keep his hat and wig on his head. If Saeran wasn’t so pissed off right now, he would have been slightly impressed by how Saeyoung could run so fast in his current attire.

“GET BACK HERE, YOU IDIOT!” Saeran all but screeched, too busy to care that she was right there and that she looked positively baffled by the hundred and eighty-degree personality change he was performing in front of her.

Saeyoung would have to pay for the humiliation this was costing him.

“STOP CHASING ME, YOU SEXUAL PREDATOR!” Saeyoung screeched right back, though he sounded quite significantly out of breath.

Saeran noted that there was some people sending him horrified glances, and there were others who were clearly contemplating tackling him to the ground or phoning the police since he was bothering a sweet, gentle lady who, unbeknownst to them, actually had a something that started with the letter ‘d’ in her underwear.

It might have been the scowl on his face, or the murder in his eyes that kept anyone from coming close. There was one guy who tried to stop him, but all it took was a glare and an almost feral growl to send him scurrying back to where he came from.

The gap between him and his brother was quickly decreasing, and it wasn’t long before Saeran managed to get a firm grip on the sleeve of the dress, and tackle his brother roughly to the ground.

“Talk,” Saeran demanded when he finally managed to pin Saeyoung to the ground by sitting on him and holding his wrists to the ground. Saeyoung’s sunhat had been knocked off, landing a good distance away on the grass near a pile of dog poop, and his wig had slipped off almost entirely, revealing a hair net that was slipping off on the right side of his head to reveal a messed up patch of red hair. “

“S-Saeran, fancy meeting you here! What a coincidence, huh? Wait, why do you smell like ice cream?”

His brother’s light, airy voice only caused his scowl to deepened, and his grip on his brother’s wrists tightened in silent retaliation. He made sure to make it hurt enough to make the man beneath him wince. “Talk,” he repeated.

“Okay, okay, but get off of me first? People are getting the wrong idea,” Saeyoung pleaded in a small voice, before gesturing frantically with his head to left.

Saeran hesitated a little before following suit, thinking that this was just another of Saeyoung’s ploys to distract him so he could kick him off and hightail it home. But when he craned his neck in the direction Saeyoung was looking in, his eyes fell on the small crowd that had gathered, staring at the two of them and whispering amongst themselves. They seemed shocked, and understandably so, considering the way he was sitting atop his brother in such a misleading position in broad daylight. Some of the parents around were covering their children’s eyes and guiding them away from the scene.

He could already feel a heat rising in his cheeks, embarrassment hitting him hard. He could care less about what those strangers thought, but the problem was that _she,_ of all people, was there. She was standing to the side, her person half hidden behind the thick tree trunk by the path. If he hadn’t been so accustomed to looking for her amidst the crowds of people that were always in the way in the park on a daily basis, he would have missed her.

Her face was one of surprise, though the corners of her lips were quirked up, her eyes alight with amusement. It was evident she was struggling to suppress her laughter, from the way her hand had come up to cover her mouth.

Ah, if only the ground would open up and swallow him right now. He just wanted to vanish off the face of this earth that very instant and stop his face from blushing as ridiculously as he was right then.

His immediate instinct was to look away from her, but then he had forgotten for a moment that he had his brother under him, so when he returned his head to its default position, all that met him was the look of triumphant glee on his brother’s face.

“You are in l-o-v-e, _loveeee_ — waaaah, not the face! Not my beautiful face!”

Saeran had his fist raised in mid-air, but then all too quickly he became conscious once again to the fact that she was watching all of this, and he didn’t want to throw a tantrum of all things when she was there. So his dropped his fist, letting his arm fall to his side, before hastily getting off his brother. “I’m not done with you,” he barked through gritted teeth, before proceeding to “accidentally” kick his side while walking over towards the woman who was currently chuckling to herself while keeping her arms folded across her chest, and her eyes fixed on his flushed face.

    

* * *

 

 

Well, lots of things were going awry today. For Saeran, that was. You were more amused than anything else at the moment.

You were trying to remove the broad grin you had on your face, and to stop laughing to yourself while you waited for Saeran to reach where you were. But you couldn’t help it. He just looked too cute at the moment, with his minty eyes alight with fiery anger that was quickly subsiding and giving way to nervousness and uncertainty the closer he got to you. His red hair was messier than usual, and as the distance between you two grew smaller, you noted that it also looked considerably slick and messy, almost as if he hadn’t washed it in two days. It was only when he was a few steps away from you that you realized he smelled... _sweet._ Like a mix of vanilla and chocolate.

“What happened to you?” you asked, now concerned as you stepped towards him. “You smell like... vanilla and chocolate.” Your eyes swept over his clothes, and you hesitated before reaching your hand out to pinch the hem of his sweater between your thumb and forefinger. He looked almost ready to step back, to shrink away from your hand, but he didn’t, only stayed still and sighed in what sounded like resignation as you rubbed lightly at the soft cotton. It was moist, and made the pads of your fingers sticky.

“It’s a long story,” he muttered almost in defeat, before throwing a hateful glance in the direction of where his “girlfriend” had been. She had already disappeared before either of you noticed.

“I’m sure,” you replied flatly. “Are you okay? Do you want to go home and clean yourself up with a hot shower?”

“It’s fine,” he muttered. “I don't want to go home without...” He trailed off, and you waited for him to continue, but then a light pink color dusted his cheeks and neck as he looked away and coughed awkwardly, and then you knew that you weren’t going to get to hear the rest of that sentence.

Well, he didn’t really need to say it aloud. You could venture a good guess. And the thought alone was enough to make your head feel light, as if you were floating with the clouds above.

“Sorry I didn’t get the ice cream today,” he spoke again. “Something came up with the truck.”

“It’s alright,” you smiled. You could do without the ice cream as long as he was here. Ice cream, after all, was never your main purpose for coming. “I’m just glad you came. Even if it isn’t your best day,” you laughed, much to his annoyance. The corners of his lips were twitching upwards though, and you could tell he was fighting to suppress it.

“Me too.”

It was a whisper, a quiet murmur that you would have missed if you weren’t listening carefully. Those two words made your insides churn and melt into mush, in the sweetest way possible.

His eyes were shyly averted from yours, and you grinned, feeling a little cheekier now.

“So, I heard that lady over there was your girlfriend.”

You couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped you at the grimace that almost immediately made its way onto his face, the skin around his eyes crinkling in distaste. _“Girlfriend?”_ he echoed, sounding utterly repulsed. Then he let out a deep groan, shifting his weight from foot to foot restlessly as he swung his arms about, his hands already balled into fists. “When I get back I’m going to make sure he—”

“He’s your brother, isn’t he?” you stated then.

He paused for a moment, shock evident in his eyes. His lips parted, before he questioned, “How did you know?”

“At first I believed him,” you admitted, laughing sheepishly at yourself for being so gullible. “But then he slipped out a lot of things — not the best actor around.” You chuckled at the memory of how he had stumbled over his words numerous times and the awfully unconvincing way in which he had tried to cover up for his mistakes.

“And then you arrived and chased him away, wrestled him to the ground and knocked the wig off. It was pretty obvious by then that he was not your girlfriend. No boyfriend would tackle their girlfriend to the ground or scream and shout at her in public like that.” At your words he averted his gaze again, biting on the inside of his gum and sulking like a child.

“Also, you called him “Saeyoung”,” you continued, “and I thought it was funny how you two had the same first character in your names. Besides, you two look alike.”

“You’re pretty observant,” he muttered, raking his fingers through his hair before grimacing at how sticky his fingers were too. “He’s my twin brother.”

“So, you’re the older one?”

“No, he is. He’s a minute older than me.”

That stumped you for a moment. He had called his brother by name, and not with the honorific, after all. You wanted to ask more about that, but decided against it. It seemed to you that they got along fine, even if the way they bonded — through fighting, it seemed — was rather questionable.

One more thing struck you as strange, something you hadn’t realized it until now.

“Saeran, is this your natural eye color?”

He arched an eyebrow at your question. “Why do you ask?”

"Your brother’s eyes were yellow. But yours are mint green, and you’re twins, so...”

“My natural eye color is yellow. These are just contacts,” he replied in a matter-of-fact tone.

Of course. Contacts. You should have known. You had guessed something along the lines when you first noticed him and his peculiar features, but you hadn’t actually properly asked him about it before.

And this, of course, begged the next question: “Why contacts?” It was odd, how curious you were all of a sudden, and how comfortable you felt asking him this many questions in just a matter of minutes. This was probably the first time that silence wasn’t the meat of your conversation. Perhaps it was partly due to the change of scenery. You weren’t at the usual bench; in fact, you were quite far away from it, and the both of you were at the edge of the park, close to the end of it that met more buildings down the street. Standing awkwardly by the side of the jogging and bicycle path with the tree shielding you two from the expanse of sky, and no ice cream to enjoy, there was nothing to distract you from each other.

He paused, contemplating his answer to your question. “It’s just... I’ve just gotten used to it,” he replied at last, if quite vaguely.

You didn’t press it, noting the forlorn, distant look in his eyes as he took some interest in staring at the patterns on the bark of the thick tree trunk next to him. It was wrinkled and weathered, and you wondered then why his eyes were brooding, why his lips were pressed into a thin line and why his shoulders were sagged as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“You know, your brother said something earlier,” you began, which caught his interest. The thoughtful gaze disappeared, replaced by annoyance and exasperation. “What else did he tell you? You shouldn’t believe anything he says. He just doesn’t know when to shut up.”

“It’s...” You tried to find the words. How would he react? Was this something you could ask? You couldn’t even gauge how close you were to him, and this was a very personal question. He might not want to tell you. Worse, he might stop being comfortable around you if you tried to pry. You didn’t want to come across as nosy, either.

So all you did was wring your hands and hold them behind your back, plastering a smile on your face. “It’s nothing. I guess I shouldn’t take his words too seriously,” you dismissed, and he made a non-committal grunt at that. You could ask him about it another time, when the time felt more right to you.

“So,” you began, deciding to change the subject. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

He frowned as he looked over at you. “Why do you ask?”

“I was just wondering...” you admitted. “When your brother came and introduced himself as your girlfriend I realize I never asked you about this.”

“No, I don’t have a girlfriend,” he answered. Then, in a quieter voice, he asked, “Then... what about you?”

He was embarrassed. Curious about you. “No, I don’t have a boyfriend,” you answered with a coy smile. He nodded, turning away to hide his face from you, and you swore you caught the hint of a gleeful smile playing on his lips.

Just then, your eyes narrowed in on a spot of brown cream just below his jaw. “Oh, you’ve got a little something...”

“What?”

Reaching into your bag, you grabbed a pack of tissues and pulled out a piece. Before he could say anything, you took a step closer to him, so that your left foot was in between his shoes. Maybe you were just feeling bolder now. You would never dare do something as forward as this otherwise.

Reaching up, you dabbed gently at the spot. He backed away quite reflexively, and you muttered a quick, “Don’t move,” before tugging him forward by the front of his sweater. He did as told, and his Adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed thickly. His eyes burned a hole through your head as he watched you clean him up. As your fingers grazed his skin through the thin tissue, you wondered what it would be like to touch him, skin on skin, the tips of your fingers lightly tracing the curves on his face, burning the lines of his handsome features into your memory forever.

His breath suddenly hitched and you startled slightly when you felt his hand ghost over your waist. Your eyes snapped to each other’s, and it dawned on you then how close you were to him exactly. You were close enough that you just had to lean in and tip your toes up and your noses would touch. You could feel his breath on your face, and you knew he could feel yours too. You hoped your breath didn’t smell bad. His smelled like mint, mingled with the sweet scent of ice cream.

You watched as his eyes darted down towards your lips, causing you to become quite self-conscious. Without thinking, your tongue skimmed your bottom lip that suddenly felt very dry, and you watched as he swallowed again. You could feel the movement of his Adam’s apple through your fingers that were still resting tenderly on his neck.

You were acutely aware of the butterflies in your stomach, of your heart hammering against your ribcage and your chest that felt like it would explode any minute now. It felt like the both of you were frozen in place, your gazes locked so tightly that it would take herculean strength to tear your eyes away from him.

Your eyes never left his, and you waited, your breath hitched, for him to move first.

And he did.

His gaze dropped first, and then he took a step back, hanging his head low as if shameful of something. You did the same, dropping your hand to your side, the tissue in your hand now stained with brown, the color of dirt.

“You... you had something on your neck,” you mumbled, trying desperately to calm your heart. You couldn’t breathe, it was suffocating. What was that? What had just happened, exactly?

He was quiet for a while, and you thought that he would walk away, until he replied, “I see... T-Thanks.” He was just as nervous as you were at the moment, and it felt a little comforting to know that. Just a little.

“I should get home. Clean myself up.” His voice was mechanical, robotic. You looked up, and he was already turning around, ready to go home. You wanted to say something, to stop him, to start talking about something else, anything to dispel the wall of awkwardness that had appeared out of nowhere.

But nothing came to mind. Your mouth was dry, your mind blank as you stood there, dumbly watching him as he left, with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his head never turning around to face you once.

And it dawned on you, that this was the first time he had left first.

 

* * *

 

 

Saeran heard a few knocks on his door, and he grunted, pulling the covers over himself just as the door opened.

"Go away.” He wasn’t in the mood to talk to his stupid brother today. Not tomorrow either. Or the day after. Nor the entire week, for that matter.

“I know you’re mad at your brother, but I don’t think I’ve done anything bad, have I?”

Saeran sighed, pulling off the covers off him and sitting up to face the kind woman standing in the doorway with a mug of what smelled like hot chocolate in her hand. With a kind, gentle smile, she walked over and handed it to him. He accepted it, and took a small sip from it. He let the sweetness of the chocolate linger in his mouth for an extra second or two before swallowing, instantly feeling better. Of course, the smell of the drink reminded him of the ordeal he had been put through today, no thanks to that stupid brother of his.

“Are you going to ask me more questions?” he asked, knowing that hot chocolate in the middle of the night was her way of buttering up to him so he would be more cooperative with her.

“Not at all,” she declared, a little unexpectedly. “I just came here to announce that your brother has been forbidden to look at cat pictures for the rest of the week. I hid the Longcat apron so he can’t find it either.”

Despite his foul mood, Saeran couldn’t help the short breath of laughter that escaped him. He could just imagine Saeyoung clutching onto MC’s ankles and begging her for mercy. It was both a blessing and curse to find someone who knew you well. They knew how best to love you, but at the same time, they also knew how to hurt you in the worst way possible.

“I take it that you’re happy with his punishment,” she grinned.

“It’s decent,” he allowed, taking another sip of his hot chocolate. It was soothing how the warm liquid slid down his throat and swirled in his stomach.

“I also have a message from your brother,” she said, which had him rolling his eyes instantly.

“I don’t want to hear it.”

“It’s about that girl you’ve been seeing.”

He nearly scalded himself by accidentally taking a huge gulp of the hot chocolate. Saeran swallowed everything before sputtering and coughing, knocking his fist against his chest.

“W-What?”

She gave him a knowing smirk, and folded her arms across her chest. “Saeyoung was right when he said you’ve fallen for her.”

“That’s a load of bull— _nonsense,_ ” he corrected when she sent him a warning look. “He’s just being his dumb self.”

“He isn’t, and you know it,” she replied evenly. “I can tell.”

There was no arguing with her when she used that tone, and he was too tired to try anyway. “Was this what you came to tell me?” he asked wearily.

At that, she chuckled. “No, that wasn’t it. Saeyoung wanted me to let you know that she feels the same way.”

“What?” He broke into incredulous laughter. “Yeah, right,” he said. “I don’t even know what I feel about her, and you’re saying that she feels the same way? That...” he faltered slightly, trying to find the words. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

“He’s sure of it,” MC continued seriously. She wasn’t joking or playing around. She was actually serious, and she believed what his brother had said. No surprise there, they were married. Of course she would be on his side. “He said he saw the look on her face when he told her that he was your girlfriend. It was the same face he used to make when he was convinced... that he could never be with me.”

“Hm.” It was a dismissive grunt, one that Saeran knew MC recognized as the signal that the conversation had come to an end. She rose to her feet, bidding him goodnight and advising him one last time to think things through on his own.

That night, he lay awake in his bed, covered in a blanket of darkness, aside from a strip of moonlight cast on his hand when he raised it up. He thought back to the evening just earlier, when he had touched her with this hand. He hadn’t been thinking at the time, really. It was just as if his hand had assumed a life on its own, reaching out to hold her by the waist. He wasn’t certain if that was to push her away or bring her closer to him, so that he could get an even closer look at her beautiful eyes that had been trained on his. He remembered the way her lips had parted, her pink tongue that had darted out to trace her bottom lip quite absently, and how tender her touch had been on his neck, shielded by a modest sheet of tissue.

He didn’t know what it was that he felt towards her. He didn’t want to know either. It was scary, this longing, this stirring in the pit of his stomach, that made his toes clench and his heart race.

_“You’ve fallen for her.”_

That was ridiculous. He didn’t even know what falling in love meant. He didn’t know what it was that his brother and MC shared. If it was mushy and cringe worthy antics that they did on a daily basis as if he wasn’t living in the same house, then he didn’t want it. He could live without that.

Worse still, if it was that feeling of being ripped to shreds when they were about to lose each other. He had seen it in their eyes back then, when he had taken them prisoner.

Maybe that was what it was. Falling in love. Being in love.

That was something he didn’t know, something he had never experienced before.

But then he thought back to the time when he thought he wouldn’t see her again, when he thought she had left him, abandoned him, when she hadn’t showed up at the park. He remembered the fear that had gripped him, the anxiety that he could not shrug off no matter how hard he tried.

And then he realized that he had long been teetering at the perilous edge of a cliff. When or how he had gotten there, he did not know.

But, there was one thing he knew now:

He could no longer feel the ground under his feet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the insanely late update guys... I was low on inspiration and motivation to write because I’ve been pretty stressed out over university applications. (No, it’s not about bad results or anything. They were actually better than expected.) I hope the length made up for it somewhat! :) 
> 
> Anyways, if you still remember this story and came back to read it, thank you!! Your support really means a lot to me! ^^ 
> 
> P.S. Come hang with me on my tumblr (mysmesomefluff(dot)tumblr(dot)com)! I leave drabbles and stuffies there, and I’ll also give updates on my writing progress. (: (Just one more week and updates should become more regular.)


	9. Wavering

Things had changed. Quite obviously so.

You drew in a deep breath, releasing a long exhale that left you feeling hollow, empty. You checked the time on your phone, and found that it was five minutes to nine. For what felt like the thousandth time, you craned your neck, glancing around and scanning for any sign of him.

The sound of footsteps to your right then startled you, and you snapped your head in that direction, your entire body leaning forward so your butt was at the edge of the bench.

You felt your body sag once again, deflating in disappointment when it just turned out to be a middle-aged office lady passing by. She spared you just a glance, eyebrow arched ever so slightly at your desperately hopeful eyes. You averted your gaze quickly, sitting yourself back onto the bench and waiting for her to walk by you before you turned your head to the empty spot next to you.

Your eyes stung, and you allowed your gaze to rest on your lap as you wrung your hands restlessly.

This was already the third day.

You thought back to the time when you last saw him, when you had been uncharacteristically bold as you touched him, leaned in closer than you ever had to look at him. You had been certain that you hadn’t mistaken the feelings swirling in his mint eyes then. They had reflected the emotions in yours, the longing, the curiosity, and the tiniest hint of fear. Fear of making another move, fear of breaking whatever it was you had between the both of you.

Now, you weren’t so certain anymore.

It was all your fault. You just hadn’t been thinking at the time, when you reached out towards him, lost in the attraction that drew you nearer to him in that moment. And all that did was repel him, and it might well be for good.

Then again, you could be wrong. You weren’t the only one who wanted to be here. That much, you were sure of. He had shown it time and again, through the subtle expressions he would make and the limited words that he allowed himself to speak. Perhaps he had fallen sick. It might be the ice cream. Or maybe some family issues had cropped up back home, between him and his brother. Maybe his brother hadn’t like you, and had persuaded him not to see you again.

Or maybe it was just that he didn’t want to see you anymore.

You checked your phone again, only to find that it was already fifteen minutes past nine. It was time to go. You couldn’t wait here all night long; you had things to do.

You tried to comfort yourself with the thought that perhaps you would get to see him tomorrow.

Only, a small part of you didn’t quite believe that anymore.

 

* * *

 

 

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

He didn’t know how long he had been doing this already. Here he was, laying on his bed, throwing his rubber ball against the wall with a resounding _thump_ , catching it in his hand, and throwing it again. _Throw, catch. Throw—_

He missed it, and let out a small groan as he watched it bounce off the side of his bed and straight into the bin under his desk. Too lazy to get up and fetch it, he sighed and rested his left arm under the pillow that his head was resting on, while he let his right arm dangle off the side.

As he stared at the ceiling blankly, he could hear the clock on the wall ticking away, almost tauntingly. He felt multiple knots in his stomach when he realized that it was already half past seven. Should he go see her? If he ran out now, he might still be able to catch her.

At that moment, the intimate memory of that day surfaced in his mind: her leaning in close to him, cleaning the ice cream stain on his neck, the smell of her, his desire to touch and hold her with his filthy hand.

_“Don’t move.”_

He sucked in a sharp breath and set his jaw, screwing his eyes shut. He couldn't go, now that he knew... now that he knew what, exactly? What were they? He couldn’t describe... whatever they were. He couldn’t tell what it was that he felt whenever his thoughts drifted towards her as he daydreamed or stared into space. He didn’t understand what it was that made his heart beat faster whenever she came too close, or why he felt so comfortable just having her by his side in the evenings on that bench. He didn’t _want_ to understand either. These thoughts... they were scary. He wished there was a way he could empty them from his head.

Maybe there was. All he needed to do was convince himself that she wouldn’t stay there forever. After all, that was how things worked: everyone would leave you eventually. She would too, inevitably. There was no reason for her to go there anymore. She had said it before: she would stop going there once he did.

So Saeran decided to drag himself out of bed, dressed in the red tank and black sweatpants that he had slept in, and he sneaked out the door before MC or Saeyoung could nag at him to get dinner. He hadn’t had much of an appetite the past few days, and like the worrywarts they were, they had made an unnecessarily huge fuss over it.

Although, he had to admit, he was quite thankful that neither of them had asked him about why he hadn’t been going to the park like he usually did. It was clear that they knew something was up. He could tell from the worried, curious glances they exchanged when they thought he wasn’t looking. It was just a matter of time before they starting bombarding him with questions though.

The air outside was still, unmoving. The sun had long set, and now the sky was a deep ocean blue. There weren’t many people left at this time, most of them having gone home to have dinner. It was nice, being able to walk out here alone. He used to take late night walks, when there was not a single soul around, and he had the whole park to himself. He liked the serenity of it, as if he was the only one who existed in that time and place, as if he owned everything that he laid his eyes on.

However, a few people would still pass by him every now and then, considering it was still relatively early. Each time someone passed by or came into view in the distance, he would feel oddly unsettled, and he couldn’t decide if it was because he wanted one of them to be her, or because he desperately didn’t want to run into her.

Perhaps it was a mix of both.

It wasn’t a long walk, and the familiar surroundings indicated that he was near, but the closer he got, the more hesitant he became. His footsteps became silent as he slowed down his pace. He knitted his brows, suddenly contemplating once more if he should have come here at all. What would he do if she wasn’t there? The thought alone was enough to send his heart dropping to the pit of his stomach, but then when he considered that she might be there, a pool of dread formed in his chest. Either result would make him feel miserable.

Maybe he shouldn’t have come here. But, his curiosity was getting the better of him. He wanted to know, to get a definitive answer, rather than playing around with the ‘what-ifs’ in his head. He hated those; he had been tormented enough by those questions back when he was waiting for Saeyoung to come back for him.

He promptly bit down on his gum, pushing the bitter memories to the back of his mind. That was in the past now. Right now, he had other things to worry about. He just had to look past this tree, and he would have a clear view of the bench where they always met. From where he stood, it was blocked cleanly by the thick trunk of the tree, and this again, only served to remind him of the encounter he had with her just a few days back.

Inhaling deeply, Saeran took a single step forward. Enough with his wishy-washiness. He had to get this over and done with now.

Besides it was already this late. What were the chances of her being there, waiting for him—

... _Ah._

Saeran’s mind drew a blank then, and he nearly forgot how to breathe.

It was only when his lungs started protesting for want of air that he came to his senses and took a good couple of steps back.

His mind went into a frenzy then, trying to decipher if he had just seen wrong, or if he had just hallucinated. So he hastily peeked around the trunk of the tree once more, just to confirm it.

And there she was still, seated on the bench, her back hunched slightly as she seemed to heave a long sigh. He could only see her side profile, and he couldn’t help but marvel at how curiously beautiful she looked, seated there all by herself, quietly gazing at the lone star that had just appeared in the blackening sky.

Was this how he had looked like when she first discovered him here every day?

Fighting the flush that threatened to spill onto his cheeks, he lowered his gaze, and ducked behind the tree again, in case she spotted him.

It was already the third day, and there she was, still waiting for him.

People would eventually leave. He still believed that.

But gazing at her lone figure now, he found himself wavering.

Saeran leaned over to see her again, careful not to make a sound on the grass. There was a jogger passing by, and her reaction when she heard him coming was instant. Her head jerked in his direction, her entire body at attention as she leaned forward. And then in the next moment, she was leaning back against the bench again, her shoulders sagged and her eyes downcast.

He had an urge to go up to her right now, to apologize for avoiding her for the past two days, but the dread and fear of talking to her again kept his feet rooted in the dirt.

Turning his eyes to the night sky that she was looking at as well, he was brought back to the time when he had been taken to the cabin with MC, Saeyoung and Vanderwood. A lump formed in his throat, as he recalled that night, when he had betrayed them both and put their lives in danger.

Quite absently, he brought his hand up to his right arm, and he winced when he accidentally put a little too much pressure on a particular spot through the bandages that dressed his arm.

The sharp sting was enough to jerk him to his senses. His gaze lingered a little more on her, watching her take out her phone, presumably to check for the time, before he stuffed his hands in his pockets and hid behind the tree again.

Perhaps Saeyoung was right about her, and if he was, that was even more reason to stay away, hidden in the shadows where he belonged.

Because he was a monster, and once she found out about that, she would leave all on her own.

But, there was no need for her to know that. He just had to make the first move.

With that in mind, he turned around, quietly making his way down the path back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And this marks the start of the angst. 
> 
> :')


	10. Alone Again

Grey. Black. White.

That was about all the sky could offer you, in addition to the downpour of cold rain shards that had you drenched to the bone, your clothes heavy and clinging to your cold wet skin. You had zipped your bag close, hiding it under your jacket to keep it as dry as possible, although everything inside was probably soaked by now. It would be troublesome having to dry them all off later, but at least there weren’t any papers in your bag.

You didn’t need to glance around you to know that there was nobody around. All you could hear was the sound of rain pelting down on the earth and the distant rumbling of thunder. The occasional flash of lightning made it look like the sky was cracking, as if it would come apart at any given moment and come crashing down on you.

It was a Friday. But the ice cream truck wasn’t here. The children weren’t here. _He_ wasn’t here. All around you, there was nothing familiar about your surroundings. It was foreign, cold, alien to you.

 _Cold. Too cold._ You hugged your arms to your body, shivering at a chill that went down your spine. You were wet, freezing and in need of dinner, but here you were, waiting in the rain for a man who was probably not going to show up.

You should probably give it up now. You knew you should. It was the logical thing to do. Saeran wouldn’t be coming, and he had made that very clear with his absence for the past week.

And yet, you refused to leave, ‘what if’s still swimming in your head, clinging to you. Or maybe _you_ were clinging to them. What if he decided to come today, and you missed him because you couldn’t wait just a few minutes more? What if he came and didn’t see you here, and thought that you too, didn’t want to see him anymore?

_“He’s just... scared of opening up sometimes, because he’s been hurt before.”_

What if he was just running away, like his brother had mentioned before?

You remembered the time he had been here in the rain. Granted, dry under his umbrella, seated here on the bench, quietly watching the grey sky. Alone, like a character in a sad movie. That was how it had always been, you realized, from before you met him. He was always alone.

Until you decided you wanted to change that.

It warmed your heart when you thought back to that day, when he had given you his name, and when you had found out that he already knew yours. You still hadn’t gotten around to asking him how he came to learn your name in the first place.

The only thing was, you didn’t know if you would have a chance to do that anymore.

 _Stupid._ Why didn’t you get his phone number or something that you could use to keep in touch with him? It was frustrating, painfully so. It made your eyes sting with tears yet again, though you couldn't tell if you managed to blink them all back, what with all the droplets of rain sliding down your face.

A sigh. Then you unzipped your bag and checked the time on your phone.

8.30pm. You preferred to stay till 9, but your fingers were ice cold, and keeping them in the pockets of your jeans or warming them against your neck wasn’t helping anymore. Every part of your body was freezing, and you knew you had to leave soon. At this rate, you would end up sick, and that would mean even more days of not being able to come here to wait for him.

So with one last scan of your surroundings, you took off for home at the next crackle of thunder.

 

* * *

 

 

The soft pitter patter at the windows was gradually morphing into a steady shower of background noise that helped to fill in the silence in the man’s room. He was curled up on his bed by the window, looking out at the dark, gloomy sky.

He couldn't see much from his window; just the main road lined with a couple of trees swaying with the strong winds outside, and the sight of umbrellas as people hurriedly made their way home. Occasionally he would sit up with a jolt when he thought he saw someone who looked like her pass by, only to be disappointed and annoyed with himself when it turned out to be nothing more than his own imagination.

It was a Friday. A week had already passed since their last meeting. Quite absently, he wondered if the ice cream truck would be there as it usually was, and if she was there, at the bench, eating ice cream alone with an untouched, melting cone in her other hand. But it was raining, so maybe she was seated at the bench with an umbrella, waiting for him.

Or perhaps, she wasn’t there, the park void of its usual visitors.

He grimaced, knocking his forehead against his knees that were hugged to his chest and running both hands through his messy bed head. He was getting tired of this. Sick and tired of feeling this way and having to deal with... with whatever it was that he was feeling.

He hated that it felt similar to the time when he was waiting for Saeyoung to come back for him. He hated that he wanted to go back and look for her, be it at the park or at her house, just to see her. And then he hated that he would be too scared to say anything to her, to find her, only to run away again.

He hated that he was a coward.

He hated that he was a monster.

_He hated himself._

Saeran punched his sheets hard, once, twice, thrice, just to release some of the pent-up frustration that had been building in him for the past few days. _Stupid, stupid stupid._ What was he doing, really?

He ignored the knocking that came on his door then. He had locked it, there was no way Saeyoung or MC were getting in. They had been doing this since yesterday, wanting to talk to him, but he just wasn’t in the mood to talk. He wasn’t in the mood for anything, really.

He just wanted to be alone. Like he used to be.

Just then, the door clicked open, causing his head to snap up in the direction of the intruder. He shot a glare at Saeyoung, who was now sending him a sheepish smile while proudly holding up a pin.

Saeran hadn’t put it past his brother to pick the lock on the door. He just hadn’t thought Saeyoung would actually have the guts to do it.

“Hey,” his brother began.

“Get out of my room,” was his immediate reply as he turned back to the window, refusing to meet Saeyoung’s gaze.

“I just thought, maybe we could talk about—”

“No. Go away.”

He heard a sigh, and then the room door shut close, but it wasn’t because Saeyoung had left. The older man padded across the room and wheeled the chair from Saeran’s desk to the bed, sitting down and placing a hand on his shoulder. “Please, Saeran. MC and I are worried about you.”

Saeran promptly shrugged his hand off. “Don’t be.”

Another sigh. “If it were that easy, _you_ wouldn’t be holing up in your room every day and sulking over that girl.”

Saeran opened his mouth, ready to retort his brother, but nothing reasonable came to mind. _Touché._ In response, he pursed his lips and they turned down in a scowl as he looked away from his brother.

“Did something happen? Why haven’t you been going to the park to meet her these past few days?”

Saeran shook his head. “It’s nothing.”

“Yeah, and Elly is a dog,” he muttered quite humorlessly. “Seriously, tell me, Saeran. Was it because of that time when I went to meet her? Is this my fault?”

Saeran looked up to meet his brother’s gaze then, and a pang of guilt hit him when he saw the fear and pain that filled his eyes. Saeyoung was always like this, thinking everything was his fault when it came to his younger brother. Admittedly, he had been pissed off when he snapped at Saeyoung last week and told him that everything was his fault, but Saeran knew better. Saeyoung had nothing to do with this complicated turn of events. Sure, he may have contributed to a part of it, but this was bound to happen anyway, regardless of whether or not he stepped in with his ridiculous pranks.

“Stop thinking you’re involved in everything, idiot,” he mumbled, much to his brother’s relief. Saeyoung exhaled, his stiff shoulders relaxing a little as he broke into a small smile, before it was replaced by a frown again.

“Then, why?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he stated sternly, feeling irritation begin to bubble up in him.

There was a short pause, likely because Saeyoung was deliberating if he should press Saeran for an answer.

He didn’t.

Rising to his feet, the older redhead released a long exhale before saying, “Your dinner is still outside. You should eat it before it gets cold. MC made your favorite today, you know.” After hearing a dismissive grunt in response, he left for the door.

It clicked open as he pressed down on the handle, but before leaving, he added one more thing over his shoulder:

“You know, you should check if she’s still waiting there. It wouldn’t be nice if she’s out there alone in the rain.”

Saeyoung replied with nothing, waiting for his brother to just close his door and leave him alone. It was only when the door finally clicked close that he released his legs and sprawled them out on the bed, taking another look out the window.

_What if she’s waiting?_

No way. It had been a week, and he hadn’t shown up at all for the past few days. There was simply no way anyone would keep going there. She would have given up by now. Any normal person would take the hint and leave for good.

But then again... she wasn’t the most normal girl out there, was she? It took a special kind of person to approach someone like him at the park, to get him ice cream and to be content sitting there next to him without uttering a word of conversation.

It took a special kind of person to stir all these strange feelings in him that made him experience anxiety, fear and pain in a wholly new and frankly, all too terrifying way.

Sh _e_ was most definitely not normal. She was strange, alien, weird.

She was... special.

Saeran spared another lingering look at the window, and all that met him was a white fog of heavy rain. The downpour had gotten worse.

 

* * *

 

Specks of water sprayed his ankles as Saeran walked through the puddles of rainwater, and he tried to ignore the disgusting feel of soon-to-be wet socks in his shoes. The wind was ridiculously strong, wrestling with the umbrella he had with him and nearly knocking it out of his hand altogether when he loosened his grip just for a second. Even though his umbrella was relatively big, his arms were still getting wet. He knew, from the growing sting in his right arm as water seeped through the bandages covering it.

He kept his eyes peeled, scanning his surroundings. There was no one else in sight. Of course. Who would be out here in this weather? She probably wouldn't be here either.

Saeran groaned, suddenly feeling the urge to slap himself for actually having taken his brother’s advice. That man wasn’t exactly known for practical wisdom, after all. In fact, he was the last person to listen to in times like these.

He could simply turn back now and head straight home, but then he supposed with a sigh, that since he was already halfway there, he may as well just do a quick check before returning. His socks would be getting wet either way.

So he continued on his way, unsure if the nervous climbing of his heart rate was because he wanted to see her there, or if he didn’t, just like when he came previously.

And, just like before, he found her waiting there, alone, looking up at the sky, her hands clasped together as if she were praying to some being that lived behind the heavy grey clouds.

The first thing that hit him was shock, when he realized that she didn’t have an umbrella with her, and that she was completely and utterly soaked in the pouring rain. Her slick, wet hair clung to her face and neck in thick clumps, and she only had a cotton jacket to cover her cold frame.

Next, he felt sick, something unsettling in his stomach. It was easy enough to recognize: he was worried, to the point that it drove him insane just to keep where he was and not rush over to her with his umbrella, to offer her shelter from the rain and to give her his jacket to wear instead of her cold, wet one.

A string of curses was unleashed in his mind as he remained rooted to where he was, hidden from view, his mouth hanging open in disbelief. Questions swarmed his mind, questions of why she was standing there getting wet and risking catching a bad cold, why she was so infuriatingly stubborn, waiting for him day by day when he was clearly not going to show up, and why she was going to such lengths for someone like him.

S _he was a fool,_ he concluded. A fool like no other.

And then guilt consumed him, gnawed away at him from the inside out. Made his chest clench with an indescribable pain that made him feel sick, and wanting for oxygen. The base of his throat constricted, keeping him from making a sound even though her name was right at the tip of his tongue.

He wanted to go to her.

He wanted to see her, face to face, eyes locked on hers, to hear her sweet, sweet voice in his ears against the shower of rain all around them.

He wanted all of that so badly, but his stubborn legs refused to budge. And the growing pain in his right arm stung him back to the reality of his past and her innocence.

So all he could do was watch. Watch as she checked what presumably was her phone for the time, and look on quietly as she ran off in the opposite direction, the sound of splashing of her shoes against the puddles on the ground diminishing along with her figure.

_That’s right._

_Go._

_Get away_. _Get as far as possible as you can._

_And stay away._

That way, he could be alone again, just like he had always been before meeting her.


	11. And That's Why

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly too upset to speak. I’ll proofread this tomorrow or something because I can’t read this through again right now. 
> 
> So head’s up guys, this is going to get real upsetting.

_Is it true, that when people die, their souls leave their bodies and find a home up in the clouds?_

The clouds today were nowhere to be seen. The sky was a clear dark blue, colors of evening already seeping in, leaving streaks of pink and orange and a bright ball of gold only visible in a corner of the distant horizon. His eyes were locked on the sky above, trying to search for even the slightest hint of a cloud, but there was none.

It didn’t matter either way. That man was already dead, and Saeran wouldn’t see him ever again.

The redhead dropped his gaze, letting out a long exhale before daring himself to steal a peek at the empty bench. No sign of her either. There was no him, and no her any longer. There was just a lonely bench, watching the sky all on its own.

Now she too, was gone.

 

* * *

 

It was colder than it was the night before. The tips of your fingers were numb, your legs felt weak, like they might collapse beneath you if you didn't find a seat soon, and the splitting headache made you feel light-headed, protested with every move with you made.

But you had a place to get to. And you were already late.

Your lips were parted as you panted while walking, each step feeling heavier than the one before. A chill went through your body, crawling through your skin and leaving goose bumps in its wake. Another painful pulse ran through your temple, as if someone had swung an axe down your skull. It made you halt in your tracks as your hand shot up to clutch your head, while the other pulled out your phone from your pocket to check for the time, trembling ever so slightly.

It was already 8:12pm. You bit down on your lip in frustration. You had woken up in the morning to an alarmingly high fever, and as a result had stayed in your bed pretty much the entire day, hoping it would go down before evening came.

It might have been the drowsy medicine you had taken. You had overslept terribly, and when you saw woke up to the time on your clock, panic had seized you and you had barreled out of bed a little too quickly, causing you to stumble and crash to the ground. You had made quick work of changing out of your sleepwear and brushing your teeth before hurrying out the door, praying that you wouldn’t miss him.

Now, as you continued walking, you could feel your vision blur every now and then, little black dots swimming in the edges of your sight. A wave of nausea hit you as you pushed yourself ahead, willing your legs to move faster towards that bench, and you forced it down, screwing your eyes shut for moment and pinching the bridge of your nose.

He had to be there. Maybe he just hadn’t come the day before because it was raining. Yes, that must have been why. Perhaps he would be here today. He just had to be. You could feel it, and it wasn’t because of the haze of your fever.

. _..It wasn’t._

Your pants were louder now, more ragged than before, as you came to a stop, staring at the small, lonely bench from a distance. You could see it from where you were, but... there wasn’t any sign of him. No red hair, no face lifted towards the sky, just an empty bench.

It had been a week, and you shouldn’t be surprised. And yet you found it increasingly hard to hold back the tears that were gathering in your eyes, blurring your already murky vision.

Perhaps he was just... standing somewhere around the corner. That was probably it. It just had to be.

Stubbornly, you went forward, ignoring the constricting of your throat as a tear slid down your hot cheek. You wiped it away, taking in a deep breath to compose yourself as you stepped closer.

You couldn’t help that your heart sunk further with each step, however.

It took you seventeen and a half steps to get there, to place your hand gingerly on the back rest of the bench. This was where he used to sit and watch the clouds go by, where he used to eat ice cream next to you. This used to be your secret place, a special hideout just for the both of you, where no one else but you, him and the clouds existed.

And you hated that you had to refer to it all in past tense, as if you had already given up. Because you didn’t want to give up. Not when you had promised his brother that you would stay by his side.

Well, in any case, you were probably better off coming again tomorrow. You would love to stay and wait for him like you usually did, but you feared a mishap involving you throwing your guts up by the side of the road would occur if you didn’t hurry home soon. Your head was killing you, every pulse making you wince. All you wanted to do was lie down and nurse it. And you were cold, far too cold, even though you had a jacket on while your body felt like it was on fire.

You stumbled a little, grabbing on to the bench for support as you lost control of your legs for a moment. Black spots were swimming everywhere. You couldn’t hold on much longer. Perhaps it would be better to sit for a while on the bench—

Your vision went black in that instant, and you felt all the remaining strength zapped completely from your legs as your knees buckled and sent you crumpling like rag doll.

It hurt. Not so much because you had crashed head-first to the ground or that it felt like your head was being torn in half from the inside. This pain was a different kind of agony, one that made your chest burn and ache physically, made it difficult for you to breathe.

You were barely conscious now. It was becoming increasingly onerous to keep your eyes open, even though it was insanely tempting to simply let go and slip away into the darkness. You just wanted a break from all of this. To wake up later and find that this was all just a nightmare, that the next time you came back here, he would be seated on the bench, waiting for you like he used to.

Tears stung your eyes, and there was nothing you could do to stop them from flowing freely down your cheeks. You willed your limbs to move. You had to get home; you couldn’t possibly pass out here. But your body refused to listen, keeping hopelessly still despite your brain’s desperate commands to get up and move.

Eventually, you gave up. There was nothing you could do, aside maybe sleep this off, or wait for someone to come to your rescue.

Either way, it was more waiting. You were starting to hate that word.

Your eyelids fell close, and you felt yourself begin to slip away. You were so tired... Maybe after a five-minute nap you would be able to walk home...

You were about to slip away entirely when you heard footsteps. Fast, hurried, urgent. They were getting louder.

And then there was someone grabbing you by the shoulders, lifting you off the ground so your head could rest against something soft and warm, something that smelled vaguely of peppermint and shampoo.

Someone was calling your name. It was a man, and he sounded strangely familiar...

_Saeran._

You must have started dreaming already. You had been dreaming of him for the past few days, after all. Once you had dreamed of him taking your hand in his, your fingers interlocked while the both of you ate your ice cream with your free hands. The next day you had woken up, the dream vivid in your mind, the sensation of his hand on yours etched clearly in your mind.

That was when you realized that maybe, just maybe, you had already fallen for him, before you had even noticed.

“Hey, wake up! Pull yourself together!”

You didn’t want to wake up. You didn’t want to open your eyes and not see him there. You would rather stay asleep, in dreams where he still existed.

“You’re burning. Idiot, why did you come here when you’re running such a high fever?!”

You felt the grip on your shoulder tighten, and another arm scoop your knees up before you were no longer on the ground.

You drew in a sharp breath.

This... didn’t feel like a dream at all.

It was difficult, but you managed to peek your eyes open, and when you did, you didn’t dare believe that it was real. That _he_ was real.

Because there he was, the man you had been waiting over a week for, here, carrying you and cradling your head against his chest as he walked. His lips were pursed in a thin line, his hard, steely mint eyes were glowing beautifully in the dark and his eyebrows were pressed down into a deep frown.

“Sae... ran...” you rasped, your lips lifting into a smile, only to disappear when a wave of pain swept through your head. You let out a groan, which prompted him to speak.

"Why the hell did you come when you were in this state? Do you have any idea how feverish you are right now? Were you trying to get yourself killed?” You had never heard him like this before. It was different from the time he had met his brother. His voice now was icy, his anger barely suppressed in the way he gritted his teeth and set his jaw.

But you couldn’t find it in you to care about that. All you knew was that... “You came,” you spoke, feeling moisture spring to your eyes as you pressed your head closer to his cotton red tank top, though not close enough that you would obscure your view of his face completely. He smelled nice. Like he had just bathed.

“You shouldn’t have waited,” he replied.

“I just... wanted to see you.” You could care less about how needy or desperate you sounded right now. You were just overjoyed that he was here. You hadn’t come here in vain, after all.

“Why? Why would you go so far for me?” His voice was getting louder with every syllable. He was livid, and you were dangerously testing his patience. “You don’t know me. You don't know _anything_ about me. How can you trust someone like me when you know nothing about my past or about the kind of person I truly am?”

"Then... help me to know more about you,” you retorted, biting your lip to hold back a groan as your head pounded in protest. You couldn’t hold on much longer. “I want to know more... So much more...” Your eyes were already beginning to slip shut, but you couldn’t afford to sleep now. Real Saeran was here, you didn’t want Dream Saeran to replace him.

Your hand found purchase on his arm, and you squeezed it, hoping you would be able hang on for just a little more.

But then he let out a sharp cry, and it startled you so much that you immediately let go of him. “S-Sorry...” you muttered, realizing quite belatedly that his right arm was bandaged.

“It’s fine,” he bit out. “Just don’t wait for me anymore. I won’t be going back.”

“No, please... Saeran,” you whimpered, “We can... work things out... together...”

“No, we can’t.”

“Saeran, I... I like you... I really do... Please...” You were losing the battle of sleep already. You might regret saying this when you woke up, but right now, it was all or nothing. The thought of losing him for good scared you, and you wished you weren’t so sick. You wished that you were strong enough to grab onto him and refuse to let him go.

“I...” The anger in his voice had gone, replaced by something that resembled grief, deep-seated sorrow, regret, shame, guilt. “We can’t.” You managed to open your eyes one last time to see his mint eyes dazzling in the moonlight, and then a single tear fell down his cheek.

“I’m a monster. That’s all I’ll ever be. And that’s why...”

The rest of his words faded out, mixed into a blur of background noise like a distant lullaby, as the darkness finally claimed you.

... _And that’s why even though I feel the same, it’s impossible between us._


	12. Drowning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: I’m just going to go ahead and put a trigger warning here. There will be self-harm involved in this chapter, so yup. Proceed with care, and if you want to skip past it, just don’t read the last section.

 The smell of peppermint and shampoo lingered in your nostrils when you stirred awake. You felt remnants of the terrible headache from the night before as you opened your tired eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling. Most of it was gone, however, and you didn’t experience all that much pain when you attempted to sit up.

You grasped your sheets, finally registering that you were in your room, evening rays filtering in lazily through the translucent curtains draped over the window. How had you gotten back here from the park?

A wet hand-towel you hadn’t noticed fell from your forehead onto your lap, and you picked it up, finding that it was warm from prolonged contact with your heated skin. Who put it there, anyway? You probably wouldn’t have had the energy to do all that after returning home. When you rested your hand against your forehead, you realized that it wasn’t as hot as it had been the night before. In fact, your fever seemed to have gone down immensely.

The few questions swirling in your mind soon evaporated however, when memories, hazy and blurred, began surfacing in your mind. Going to the park and not seeing him at the bench, nearly passing out, and then the smell of peppermint and shampoo...

_Saeran._

That was right.

He had been there. He had carried you home, and on the way you had lost consciousness in his arms.

Quite absently, your hands went to the sides of your arms, where he had gripped so strongly in his firm, warm ones while carrying you. If you tried hard enough, you could still feel his hands around you, his fingers curled around your arm and pressed against your hot skin, your head resting against his chest, and you could even smell the scent of peppermint and shampoo. His scent.

The fragmented memories made you feel warmth spread to your cheeks, if only briefly, before they began to form the whole picture of what had happened yesterday.

You had told him you liked him. Embarrassment came like a slap to your face, and immediately your eyes flew open, fatigue draining from your body almost entirely.

And soon after, your eyes started burning again, but this time, you knew it wasn’t because of the fever.

_“You shouldn’t have waited.”_

_“You don’t know me. You don't know anything about me.”_

_"...don’t wait for me anymore. I won’t be going back.”_

_“I... I’m a monster. That’s all I’ll ever be.”_

You bit down on your lip. But... he was no monster. Saeran was _anything_ but a monster. You knew him.

And you knew... _what_ , exactly?

He was right. What _did_ you know about him? You never really talked much, after all. You didn’t know when his birthday was, how tall he was, what color he liked, what hobbies he had, what he liked to eat other than ice cream.

You didn’t know a thing about him.

And the frustrating thing was, he didn’t _want_ you to know anything more about him either. He was driving a wall up between the both of you, like the one that had been there before you found the courage to first approach him with ice cream. Except this one was a little more like a cage, a cage that he had set up around himself, so he could be the loner he used to be at the bench, before you came into the picture.

The only thing was, you didn’t know if it was to keep you out or to lock himself away for good.

Perhaps it was both.

And that frustrated you even more, because you didn’t have a clue as to how or why he was suddenly doing this, refusing to meet you at the park. All you knew was that something had changed the moment you tried to get a little closer to him on that fateful Friday, that moment when the both of you allowed your emotions to take over just for a few seconds.

That moment when he became... _vulnerable._

Hastily, you swiped the covers off of you, feeling the cool floor beneath your feet as you slowly stood up, taking some time to stabilize yourself. You noted the half-full basin that was by your bed, which made you raise an eyebrow in puzzlement. It couldn’t have been you who placed it there. You could barely support yourself last night, let alone carry a basin of cold water and lay a hand-towel over your forehead.

_Unless, it was..._

You shook your head. You didn’t dare to hope, because you had already dealt with enough disappointment in the past week to last you a lifetime.

Besides, you might have to prepare yourself to be disappointed one more time when you went out to the park again later. Sure, you were sick of coming back home disappointed and empty, but you weren’t about to give up. You took your thermometer which happened to by the basin — apparently it had managed to fly there from your desk where you last remembered leaving it somehow — and checked your temperature.

 _38.0 degrees._ Hmm. Not too bad. Your head had been screaming bloody murder yesterday but now it was reduced to a dull throb. Still there, but not enough that it made you feel nauseous like it did before. Perhaps you could make a quick trip down since you were feeling better now. Besides, there was a chance that he would be there, since he had come yesterday.

A girl could still have a little hope, couldn’t she?

You stepped over to your closet, and it was only when you opened it that you realized you weren’t wearing the clothes you had been wearing yesterday. You were wearing a random shirt and sweatpants that had clearly not been chosen by you — you would never have matched the two together like this, not because it was unfashionable, but simply out of habit.

And in that moment, you felt your cheeks start to heat up uncomfortably at the thought of possibly having been undressed by—

 _No._ You were not going to think about it. You had changed out of your wet clothes by yourself and you simply didn’t remember any of it. Yes, that was how it must have gone down. Even the basin and the hand-towel must have been your doing.

...Although, the lingering scent of peppermint in the air hinted otherwise.

You attempted to ignore the embarrassing thoughts creeping into the back of your mind, and to keep your imagination from flying out of control by giving yourself a light slap on the cheek before hastily changing into a simple shirt and a pair of shorts. Then you hurried out of the house, noting that it was already nearly half past seven.

It seemed like ages passed before the elevator finally reached the ground floor with a soft “ding”, and you stepped out, walking as fast as you could across the carpark and heading in the direction of the park where he could be waiting. You had to talk to him, ask him why. Why he called himself a monster, why he had changed so suddenly, and why he didn’t want to see you anymore. You wouldn’t stop until he gave you answers.

Your hand shot up to press hard against your temple as you felt pain start to build up, but kept your brisk pace.

That is, until you were stopped quite abruptly by someone.

You hadn’t sensed anyone when you turned the corner towards the street past the entrance of your apartment building, but the moment you did, you felt someone grip you by the arm, jerking you back and nearly causing you to fall. However, he tightened his grip and held you firmly enough to prevent that from happening.

“What—” You yelped on instinct as you did your best to regain your balance while being swung around. The first thing that came to your mind was that you were under attack and you were prepared to scream for help, but your voice promptly died in your throat when you came face to face with the person who had just grabbed you out of nowhere. 

As soon as you steadied yourself he let go of you as if burned by your contact. His eyes were cold. Hard. Like frozen glaciers when the sun reflected off the top of them.

He wasn’t wearing his sweater today. Just a red tank with bandages along his right arm, and long, black pants. You didn’t think a mere sweater could make that much of a difference, but apparently it could. He had a different air about him, one that made you hold your breath in fear, that made your body stiffen.

“S-Saeran..?” you heard yourself ask. It was a stupid question. Kind of. His face remained stony, and he stared at you, studying your face for two seconds more before he turned away and began walking away.

“Come with me,” he spoke over his shoulder, in a voice that you didn’t recognize.

You stared dumbly at his back, before you found the sense to catch up to him, following meekly behind him, not making a sound. Suddenly all the questions you wanted to ask him before turned into nothing; your mind drew a blank. Your eyes remained on his back, noting the outlines of his taut muscles under his tank top, and the bandages that covered his arm.

This wasn’t the Saeran you had come to know over the past few months. This wasn’t the kind, soft, gentle Saeran you had spent time with on that bench in the park. This was someone else altogether. Someone unknown. Watching him now, you got the sense that for all your questions, you were finally going to get some answers tonight.

And you had a feeling that you weren’t going to like them very much.

     

* * *

 

 

Sunday evening, and you were both back on the bench. No ice cream, no clouds, no words. Just silence. Simple, cruel silence.

You always thought that silence was something you could enjoy around him. It was quite strange, to bond over silence, but that was how the both of you worked. What your relationship was built on. But right now, there was nothing but an awkward question mark hovering in the noticeable gap between you.

That’s right. Things were different now. While you never needed words from him before, now you were restlessly waiting for him to utter the first sound. Your clammy hands fidgeted restlessly in your lap, while your heart beat furiously in your chest as you waited for him to speak first. Or maybe you should say something. You were always the one who had to make the first move. But then, what could you say? Many things crossed your mind. Desperate pleas, angry demands, or even a long rant. You were spoiled for choice.

But in the end, you settled for silence instead. This time, you wanted him to speak first. Besides, he had come to you on his own today. He must have something on his mind, and you could tell that much at least, from the brooding look in his eyes.

So you continued waiting, and the seconds seemed to drag out longer and longer. The sky was failing as an adequate distraction today.

“So,” he began at last, startling you slightly with the abrupt introduction of a voice. He paused, watching as you tried to gather your wits about you. His gaze only unnerved you further, however, and you were an incoherent wreck as you tried to apologize and encourage him to continue all at once.

“I’m alright. Sorry. You were saying?” you managed out at last, much to your chagrin.

He seemed slightly unconvinced but gave a curt nod before turning his gaze away from you and resting them on the sky again. It was already dark, and the night sky was dressed in black. If you looked hard enough, you could spot one or two blinking stars in the distance, only they looked like they could go out at any moment, just like flickering candles.

“You... Last night. Do you remember anything about last night?” he asked in a small voice.

Right. Last night. When he found you sprawled on the ground like a bug and carried you home in the rain.

“I remember bits and pieces,” you answered, recalling the words he had spoken the night before, and the questions that flooded your mind earlier.

“Oh.”

“Are you going to tell me why?”

His eyes snapped to yours. Glowing mint green piercing through the dark, to you. “Why what?”

“Why you said you wouldn’t... come here again.” The last three words came out as a tiny whisper. _And why you called yourself a monster._

“I meant what I said.”

“Then, why were you there, waiting for me downstairs just now?”

“I thought I should give you some answers,” he replied in a matter-of-fact tone. You didn’t like it. It felt like he didn’t care anymore. “So that you’ll understand why you shouldn’t be here. Why we shouldn’t meet like this any longer.”

“In other words... you think that whatever you’re about to say will put an end to... to _this._ ” You didn’t like how you couldn’t describe what it was you shared with him. You didn’t like that everything was so grey, so uncertain, so intangible. You didn’t like how you were trying to reach out with your fingers to grasp at something you couldn’t even find, as if you were mindlessly groping about in the dark, hoping to find something that could direct you anywhere out.

You were lost. Confused. And so was he. Except it seemed like only you were bothered by that. He seemed so ready to let go, to pry you off of him for good.

You didn’t like it one bit.

“Yes,” he answered. Again, in that sterile tone of his. No emotions, no feelings, just a talking statue made of stone.

“Try me.” You were prepared for whatever he would say next. You had seen enough of Saeran to know that he was a good person, at the very least. Whatever it was that made him feel like a monster, was insubstantial. It wouldn’t stop you from wanting to see him and spend time with him like you had been for the past few months.

It wouldn’t stop you from loving him, either.

He took a deep breath then, closing his eyes for a moment as he swallowed, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down.

And then his lips parted, his tongue darting out to moisten them briefly before he finally spoke. Loud and clear, short and not so sweet.

“I killed a man.”

He stopped there. No elaboration, no explanation. Just four simple words. A confession of a sin on a halcyon Sunday evening.

You weren’t sure how long you took to react. You just... didn’t know how. How _were_ you supposed to react to someone who just told you that he had killed a man? All you knew was that you couldn’t breathe, nor could you believe his words. He was either lying to you to get rid of you permanently, or he was just joking. A small part of you waited for him to burst into laughter at the undisguised bewilderment in your eyes, but you knew it wasn’t the latter. Maybe the former, or maybe he was telling the truth.

It was hard to iron the features of your face into a mask of coolness, because inside, it felt like a hurricane had begun brewing. Chaos, pandemonium ensuing in your head as questions flew in every direction, fighting on the tip of your tongue.

“Is that why you called yourself a monster?” you heard yourself ask, in a steadier voice than you thought you would have been able to produce.

“...I am one.” A fact. An indisputable, cold hard fact. Engraved in stone, engraved as scars deep in his heart. Scars that you never knew he bore until today. Scars that you couldn’t entirely believe even existed. Because all that filled your head was the Saeran who spent time with you in the evenings. Simple, innocent Saeran who enjoyed sky-watching and eating ice cream next to you.

You couldn’t imagine him hurting a fly, let alone a person.

“You don’t believe me,” he said then, noting the conflict that was beginning to show in your face.

"Of course I don't,” you replied evenly. You knew him. But at the same time, you didn’t.

“It doesn’t matter.” He moved to stand, and you followed suit, ignoring the wave of pain that hit you in the head again from the sudden movement. “That’s all I came to tell you. Just know that you shouldn’t meet me anymore. It’s... not safe.”

“Not safe for you, or for me?” you challenged, grabbing his wrist and pulling him back. You weren’t done with him.

You saw the ghost of a smirk that was somewhat cynical play on his lips for the briefest of moments before it disappeared. A frown appeared in its place as he stepped around to face you. “You don’t know me,” he said in a dangerously tense voice. He was losing his patience, but so were you.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” you shot back, blinking back the tears that threatened to gather in your eyes. “I don’t know anything about whether you killed a man before or why you did it. But what I _do_ know is that you’re a good person, Saeran.” He scoffed at that, rolling his eyes but you ignored it. “I don’t know about the old Saeran, but the Saeran I’ve seen every day for the past few months? That’s the guy I know. That guy is simple, and kind, and... and he’s not a monster. He might be struggling, drowning on the inside, but the Saeran I know is _not_ a monster. I know he isn’t.”

“I’ve always been the same Saeran. Nothing has changed,” he countered, fists clenching by his sides. “I’m still the Saeran who killed a man, the Saeran who has blood on his hands and I’m the Saeran who’ll always be a monster. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. I’m not coming back here anymore, so you should stop coming too. I won’t be there to help you when you fall sick and faint in the rain again.”

“Wait.” You took hold of his wrist again, but this time he violently threw your hand off as if burned by the contact, causing you to stumble backwards.

“Don't touch me,” he snarled. “Get lost. Now.”

“Please.” You couldn’t stop the tears anymore, and you were half thankful that he was currently facing away from you. “I like you, Saeran. I really, really do. Please... just don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone.”

He was quiet as he listened to you choke back a sob, but he didn’t turn around.

“I know,” he said at last. “But that will fade in time. You’ll see.”

And with that he left, leaving you alone at the forsaken bench, your shoulders shaking as you muffled your sobs with your hands in the shadows.

    

* * *

 

Saeran had barely gotten half a step into the apartment when he heard loud footsteps thumping over towards him.

“Saeran, is that you? You’re back? Oh, thank God,” Saeyoung exclaimed, running over towards his younger brother. He was more emotional than usual, his eyes brimming with tears beneath his glasses. Dark circles were evident under his tired eyes, and his forehead seemed to have one wrinkle too many. He briefly scanned Saeran for any physical injuries before throwing his arms around him, startling the younger man and prompting him to release a groan. “Where have you been? Why didn’t you text us? Or call us? Did anything happen? Why didn’t you come home last night?”

“Saeyoung,” MC cut in, placing a hand on her husband’s shoulder. “You should give him some space to breathe. He can’t answer you if you bombard him with questions like that.”

“Oh, r-right...” Saeyoung quickly moved away, only now noting the morose mood that his brother was in. Saeran was quick to side step them both and without a word, he headed to his room, keeping his head down and hands tucked in his pockets all the while.

“Saeran, wait. We need to talk—”

_Slam._

“...to you...” Saeyoung finished softly, dropping the arm that he had stretched out towards his brother. Then he raked his hands through his hair in frustration, biting his lip as he plopped onto the couch. MC went to sit next to him, placing a hand reassuringly on his lap.

"He seems like he has a lot on his mind now. Just... give him some time to think things through,” she offered kindly, but it failed to ease his mind.

“I know, I can tell. That look on his face always means something is up. Something has been up for a while, actually,” he commented with a scoff. “I just wish he would let us know what’s going on.” Saeyoung sighed, facing his kind, understanding wife. “He’s always keeping things to himself. It’s like he thinks he can deal with everything on his own without worrying us.”

MC gave him a wry smile at that. “You know, you’re not really one to talk when it comes to that.”

He tried to come up with a retort in response, but when nothing came to mind, he wisely closed his mouth and settled for a sigh instead. “I know...” he muttered. “I’m just worried about him.”

“I am too,” MC agreed. “He reminds me a lot about you back when we were both staying over at the apartment.” Their eyes met, and Saeyoung looked away, feeling shame eat at him as the memories of his cold, distant attitude towards her during that period surfaced in his head once again. But she was quick to bring him back to reality, affectionately stroking his ring finger, right above where his wedding ring was.

“What can we do? And with what Vanderwood just told us? I thought something happened to him when he didn’t come home last night, didn’t contact us for a full day, and I—” His lip quivered as he took in a deep breath to compose himself. “I thought I lost him again,” he said in a near whisper.

MC never needed him to speak to know what he needed. In the next moment he found himself enveloped in her arms, his head nestled against her chest. “But you didn’t,” she said emphatically. “He’s here, safe. And we’ll both make sure of it. But maybe we should tell him—”

“No,” he cut in almost immediately, pulling away from her. “You just saw how he was. I’ll bet my stash of Honey Buddha Chips that it has something to do with the girl he meets— or _used to meet_ at the park every day. He’s got enough to deal with right now. What if he gets too worked up and his condition gets worse?”

“Saeyoung, telling him is the right thing to do,” MC countered, frowning. “I thought we agreed that there would be no such thing as secrets in this family anymore.”

“It won’t be a secret,” he argued, “We’ll just tell him later. That’s all.” He noted the unconvinced look in her eyes as she folded her arms across her chest, clearly displeased with his answer.

“I still don't think this is a good idea.”

“Let’s just tell him when he’s done sorting out things with her,” he concluded, casting a worried glance in the direction of the gloomy hallway where his brother’s room was. “He’s new to this whole relationship thing, so he might need some time to figure everything out and accept her.”

“It seems to me that things aren’t going well between the both of them though,” MC commented with a sigh. “I wonder what happened. You met her, right? And you said that she seemed promising.”

“Yeah,” he nodded. “I met her that day. And she promised to stay by his side, to never leave him alone. There wasn’t any hesitation in her words. She really does care about him.”

“Then, why did he stop going to the park?”

“I don’t know,” the redhead admitted with a rueful twist of his lips. “Either she broke her promise, or Saeran is being... well, _Saeran._ ”

 

* * *

 

The sound of running water was all that filled the bathroom. Water was dripping from his hair, down the sides of his face and gathering at his chin. _Drip, drip, drip._ They fell noiselessly into the pool of gushing water in the sink. His hands gripped the sides of it tightly, his knuckles turning white as he watched the water swirl and rush for a while more, getting lost in the sound of it. Like waves about to claim you in the ocean.

Then he looked up, eyes meeting those in the mirror. His reflection. And he noted the fissures that marred the edge of the glass, recalling the time he had punched it. He tightened his grip on the sink, feeling some pain begin to set in his fingers. He was tempted to do just that, but he couldn’t afford having Saeyoung or MC hearing the sound of the glasses shattering and running in here. No, he needed to be alone right now. He needed to disappear for a moment, even if it wouldn’t last as long as he wished it would.

He had removed his tank top, and he scanned the few old scars over his chest and abdomen. Those, he had gotten while he had been working in Mint Eye. And he remembered clearly when and how he had earned each one of them. The one just over his left pec? That had been when a guy tried to escape while in the middle of his brainwashing, and had slashed at him with a metal wire he had picked up from somewhere. There was a longer one running down his right side. He got that one when he was being chased by a guy from a hacking agency, and he had to jump out of his car while it was going at full speed. Real fun times back then. There were a couple more, but he wasn’t in the mood for recounting the rest today.

And then his eyes lingered on the dirty bandages covering his right arm. He removed it, unwinding it slowly to reveal the tattoo that lay beneath. A badge of honor in the past, one that he showed off proudly wherever he went, carved deep into his skin, enjoying the pain of the needles prickling in his skin as it marked him. A place he belonged. A paradise he could enjoy.

But now, that accursed cult was no more. Vanished, without a trace. Only traces remained. Traces like him, and what remained of the tattoo on his arm.

Over the black markings and the pale skin was angry red gashes and lines. Messy, disorganized, like a child’s crayon drawing. Even then it was still discernible. That eye, the waves and curves of the graceful logo that woman had put so much care into designing. The waves and curves that he used to trace on his arm absent-mindedly when he couldn’t handle the stress of working in Mint Eye at the start, as a form of comfort for himself with the knowledge that he would get his revenge soon.

He looked at it now, disgust filtering through the deep frown etched in his face and the tight clenching of his teeth. The bandages fell to the floor in a heap, revealing all there was. Scars, numerous, uncountable, like the stars in the sky, like the sand on the beach. Each scar was embedded in his skin, like the sins that he had committed was printed on his heart, shackling his mind.

He looked into the eyes of the man staring back at him in the mirror, and he saw mint. Too close to the color of that man’s hair. That man, whom he killed, with his own two hands.

_Disgusting._

He let out a feral groan in the back of his throat as he drew his arm back and slammed his fist against the wall. Pain immediately shot through him, the recoil of the impact hitting him. But it felt good. Relieving. It cleared his head a little, and he dropped his arm.

Numbly, he reached into the cabinet and took out his shaving razor, and began removing the blade from it with practiced actions. His mind was blank as he went about doing it slowly, calmly, careful not to drop anything or make a sound. All he could hear was the drumming of his heart and his slightly irregular breathing.

And now, with the blade in his fingers, he looked up at the mirror again.

_"I don’t know anything about whether you killed a man before or why you did it. But what I do know is that you’re a good person, Saeran.”_

_“I don’t know about the old Saeran, but the Saeran I’ve seen every day for the past few months? That’s the guy I know. That guy is simple, and kind, and... and he’s not a monster. He might be struggling, drowning on the inside, but the Saeran I know is not a monster. I know he isn’t.”_

A cynical smirk played on his lips. Struggling, drowning? She may be right there. But she was still wrong. Because he was a monster. He would always be one.

And he would never deserve to be with someone like her. She was too good, too pure, too innocent for someone with a soul as pitch black as his.

_"I like you, Saeran. I really, really do. Please... just don’t leave. Don’t leave me alone.”_

Her words had made his heart soar. Because after all, she was his first love, his first mutual love. That beautiful, kind, understanding girl was. A girl he had met by chance every day in the park. A girl who had noticed him, and approached him first. The only girl he had held close in his arms, and the only girl who could make him flustered and panicked for an entire night just by being sick. 

She was special, unique. His first love.

But those words had also made his heart plunge from an even greater height, shattering it into even smaller fragments. Because, it occurred to him that she would be better off alone than with someone as messed up and pathetic as him.

And he too, was better off alone. It would be far better than messing up another life. He had already screwed with enough lives to last him a thousand lifetimes.

Gripping the blade tightly with his fingers now, he let it hover over his arm, and he took a deep breath, before dragging it across his arm. He watched calmly as the blade ripped open his skin, adding yet another line over the accursed tattoo. When he first carved the first few lines, it had hurt, pain coursing through his arm, and he had to bite down on his lip to keep from making any sound. Now, he could no longer feel anything. He was numb. He could feel nothing. Like sinking yourself into water, muffling the noise of the world around you. In here he was alone, he was him, and he was nobody.

The cuts were like constellations, really. Joining the dots. Merging lines. Crossing over some of them. Overlapping and messing up. Forming his own pictures, writing his own story, line by line, and letting the emotions, the fragments left of his heart that pierced painfully through his ribcage, to bleed down his arm, onto the white tiles below.

_Drip, drip, drip._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, in case anyone is wondering, I have not attempted self-harm before, although I do have some friends who struggled with that before. Not sure if I did a realistic portrayal of this, but yeah.
> 
> Anyway, mini PSA here, if anyone struggles with it and wants to talk to someone about it, don’t hesitate to chat me up! :) Or talk to your friends and family. It’s always nice to talk to someone, because you’re not alone, just like Saeran isn’t!
> 
> Thanks for all your support so far, by the way. It means a lot hehe. Love you guys! ^^


	13. Time Machine

It felt like you had stepped through a time machine.

You had lived in this area for years, going through the same routine every single day. Evening had begun to set in, and you were walking down the path through the park back home as you always did. Passing by the playground with the same children playing in the sandbox, walking past the same few elderly couples out on a walk, hearing the familiar chattering of teenagers out and about, and spotting the same people on their way home just like you were.

This had been your routine for years, and this evening felt just like any other. Normal. Average. A little mundane, but you had long become used to it.

There wasn’t a single step missing as you traveled down the same road you had done for years. Nothing seemed to have changed. After all, the sky was still right above your head, the earth was still firm beneath your feet, and the air was still, well, _in the air._

Nothing seemed to have changed, but...

_But._

Things had changed. Something like a dream had come and gone, like the ghost of a whisper that had grazed the shell of your ear and disappeared into the air. Now you walked with an added heaviness, a heart of lead weighing on your chest, your steps no longer as light. Now your eyes would wander, drawn to the color red, drawn to a bench in a quiet corner of the park, drawn to the dripping ice cream that others had in their hands.

And now, you couldn’t remember how it felt like to smile.

It was like you had stepped into a time machine, one that brought you back to your normal, mundane life of the past, while left with memories of what once was, and broken hopes of what could have been.

A sigh escaped your parted lips as you raised your head to gaze up at the sky. It was blue. Very blue.

But that was it. It was just... blue.

The sky just wasn’t the same anymore, you decided. Or maybe you just couldn’t see the beauty in it any longer. Not without a master sky-watcher by your side, his eyes filled with emotions as he observed every detail, every little wisp of white, every blend and swirl of rich tones in the sky.

Your old sky had fallen, and now, everything had changed.

Or rather, things were now back to how they were. And according to him at least, this was how it should have stayed all along.

" _...that will fade in time. You will see.”_

“I can’t see it,” you whispered, eyes sweeping across the deep blue sky. The clouds had disappeared, just like he had. Gone, with only traces of memories scattered all over this place. This place where only the both of you existed.

Biting down on your lip, you took a long breath as you felt a lump begin to form in your throat and your vision begin to blur with moisture. You were starting to get used to this too.

Clenching your hands into fists, you continued determinedly down the path, not sparing the bench another glance. If a time machine really did exist, you wished you could skip ahead to when your heart was healed and when you could finally forget about him.

And yet, a small part of you also wished you could go back in time, to a past you didn’t know of, and fix things from there.

 

* * *

 

Saeyoung pressed his lips into a thin line as he looked at the closed door. It may as well have been a part of the wall, considering it had been ages since it was last opened.

Raising a fist, he rapped lightly on the door twice. “Hey.”

There was no response. Not even a “Go away” now. Worry dusted over his features, the skin on his forehead crinkling as he pushed the door open.

“Saeran?” he called, as he peeked his head through the open door and took half a step in. For a moment panic seized him at the thought that he wouldn’t find Saeran in his room, but he emitted a small breath of relief when he noted the figure lying on the bed by the wall, his blanket and sheets messy beneath his body.

There was a grunt this time, and then Saeran shifted so he was facing the wall, allowing Saeyoung only a view of his back.

The older twin quietly closed the door behind him and went to sit on the swivel chair by his desk. A plate of untouched chocolate chip cookies sat on the table surface, the sweet smell still permeating the air. A frown appeared on his face as he glanced over at his unresponsive brother once more. Saeran had never been able to resist MC’s chocolate chip cookies, and MC had made them specially for him to try cheering him up. It seemed not even appealing to his sweet tooth would work this time.

“Hey, wanna hear a joke? Why did the cookie go to the doctor?” Saeyoung began, trying to sound as lighthearted as possible.

He paused for a bit, waiting for Saeran to demand him to shut up or leave his room, but nothing. So he continued, “Because he was feeling crummy!”

Silence. Not a word was uttered for his bad joke. (And even the joke master himself thought it was bad today.)

“Tough crowd,” he muttered, before heaving a sigh and deciding to try another method.

“Saeran, you’ve been like this for days. MC and I are worried about you.”

“Well, don’t be.” Saeran’s voice was ragged, voice hoarse, as if rusty from lack of use. “Just leave me alone.”

“No,” Saeyoung replied firmly. He had complied and left Saeran alone the past couple of times he sat in here to try getting him to open up, but he couldn’t possibly allow this to carry on forever. Saeran was his brother, his family, and if he was hurting, which he clearly was, then Saeyoung would everything he could to make it better.

“What happened between you and her, exactly? You two have been fine for the past few months. What changed?” There wasn’t a point in beating about the bush any longer. But Saeyoung knew he was treading a dangerous line when Saeran raised a fist to half-heartedly slam his pale knuckles against the wall.

“Shit happened. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, you should. You can’t keep things bottled up inside forever, no matter how much you think you can, or want to,” Saeyoung replied, his eyes softening. “You think you can handle it, but what you don’t realize is that it’s like a worm that eats away at you, slowly killing you from the inside. And then one day you’ll reach your breaking point. I was this close to getting there, and I would have lost myself eventually if it weren’t for MC back then.”

There was a long exhale then, and Saeyoung waited for his brother to consider his words. He watched patiently as the younger twin slowly shifted his position so he was sitting up, body still turned slightly towards the wall. But at least now, Saeyoung could see his face. A frown seemed permanently etched on his features, and strands of his red hair was sticking out at odd angles. Both of them tended to get terrible bed heads. Saeran ran his fingers through his hair, mussing it up further in frustration as he let out a groan.

“Is there a way to erase your emotions completely? So you don’t feel anything?” Saeran asked numbly.

Saeyoung arched a brow and gave a dramatic gasp. “Don’t tell me... You want to become a corporate heir too?”

His brother rolled his eyes. “Right. I forgot about that guy.”

“Jumin is a special kind of robot. Maybe one day if we get to inspect him thoroughly we’ll get to find a couple screws in his skin,” Saeyoung grinned. “But you know, even Jumin isn’t completely immune to feeling things.”

“I know.” Saeran’s voice had an edge to it, and Saeyoung knew he was recalling the time when he had first met Jumin. That had been shortly after V’s funeral, when everyone’s wounds had still been fresh, and especially so for the usually stoic man.

In short, the two of them hadn’t exactly gotten off to the best start. Jumin had attempted to be civil, though it hadn’t quite worked out, and Saeran had left within ten minutes, much to the dismay of the others.

The two of them were better now, and they could share a decent conversation as long as the others were around, but Saeyoung could tell that their first meeting was still a sore spot for him.

"So what are you feeling?” Saeyoung asked. “It’s got something to do with _her,_ right?”

"...Maybe.”

“You like her, don’t you?”

Saeran groaned, grabbing a spare pillow lying by his side and crashing it over his head. “No. Yes. I don’t know, maybe. This is so embarrassing. Why am I talking about this with you?”

“Because I have the most successful love life out of everyone in the RFA,” the bespectacled redhead replied smugly.

Saeran grunted in response to that, unable to come up with a decent retort to that point. “It doesn’t matter anyway. It’s impossible between us.”

“Does she know?” Saeyoung inquired in a quieter voice now. “About you?”

Saeran shrugged. “She doesn’t believe it.”

“That's understandable.” She was just a normal girl, after all. She wouldn't even begin to be able to imagine the things that he and Saeran had been through. MC was special — she had been able to face his past and background head on. Not many people could do that, and maybe he had thought wrong about the girl, about whether she could really accept Saeran for who he was, despite the shadows of his past.

"But you know,” Saeyoung began, “it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible between the both of you. Look at MC and I! We’re happy now, aren’t we? Maybe she’ll need some time, but I can tell she likes you a lot. You should be able to tell that much yourself.”

“Not everyone can get a happy ending like you and MC,” Saeran replied, sadness clouding his eyes. “I’m different. I just... can’t. She deserves someone better.”

 _Oh..._ That sounded all too familiar to him. An ache of the past began to well up in his chest, memories of the time when he had adopted that stone cold, stoic attitude towards MC. Those painful moments in which he pushed her away and said terrible, hurtful things to her surfaced in his mind again.

Looking at his brother now, he couldn’t help but think that they really were twins in far too many aspects, and he wasn't sure that it was a good thing exactly.

They had both been through hell and come back, wounded and scarred from their war-filled childhood and adolescence. Traces and memories of those harrowing times were burned into their minds and skin, the times when death had come just a hair’s breath away from them, when their sanity had hung by a little thread, when their hearts had been broken so many times that only fragments remained.

All of that was what made it difficult to trust, to believe.

And above all, to _love._

Because love made you vulnerable. And vulnerable was dangerous. Vulnerable meant plans could go wrong with the snap of a finger. It made calculations, the math — _everything_ — pointless.

To go from trusting numbers to trusting people was a huge risk to take. A stupid one, even. And Saeyoung had been there. He had been scared once, scared of falling in love with someone else, and when that had happened anyway, he had been scared of letting her love him back too.

Because he wasn’t normal. He was anything but. And to allow MC to put herself in great danger, to risk her life for someone like him just made no sense. It was simple math. It just wasn’t worth it. She didn’t deserve to be with someone like him; he wasn’t worth it.

Perhaps Saeran thought the same way. And maybe that was why he was doing the same: pushing that girl away, determined to break things off with her for good.

“I don’t think I’ve told you about how MC and I started out,” Saeyoung began. His brother shook his head slightly. Disinterest remained on his face, but he didn’t make any protest, so Saeyoung took that as a good sign to continue.

“I thought she was cute. I had to keep an eye on her through the CCTV, and it felt kind of strange getting to know someone without them knowing you. But I guess that’s just how hackers work in general.” He chuckled a little humorlessly at that. Old times. Not really good times, but just. Times. “She was really fun in the chatrooms. She was the only one who appreciated my excellent sense of humor, the only one who would play along with me. And she didn’t pry. Most people do, but she didn't. There was a distance I was determined to keep, and she understood that.

“I’m not sure when I started developing feelings for her, but when I did realize, it was at the worst possible time. Being in an apartment with her was too much. She was constantly trying to get closer, trying to break down the wall I built around myself. She didn’t know what it meant to be with someone like me: a hacker, a dangerous person.” Saeyoung noted the downward flick of Saeran’s gaze; this had struck a chord with him. So his intuition wasn’t wrong, after all. “And so I kept pushing her away. I said terrible things to her, called her _stupid_ of all things, thinking that I was protecting her.”

Damn. This was making him emotional again. He hated thinking about that time when he had acted that way around MC. If he could go back in time, he would do things differently and treated her the way she deserved to be treated. With respect and with kindness, the things that she had only given to him since the beginning.

Swallowing thickly and clearing his throat, Saeyoung continued on. “That’s what we do best. We keep people out, first to protect ourselves, and when we can’t protect ourselves from them anymore, we try to protect them from us. It’s... it’s shit, really _._ ” There wasn’t any other word to describe it. “And as it turns out, yes, MC would definitely have been far safer away from me than with me. She wouldn’t have been taken to Mint Eye with us and gotten hurt. _But_ ,” he added, “whenever we look back on that, MC says that she doesn't regret going through any of it. She doesn’t regret meeting me, meeting you, meeting Vanderwood, or going through a terrifying life-and-death experience. She wouldn’t want to do that ever again, but she said that she’s happy because at the end of it, she found a family. With us.”

“MC is just MC,” Saeran stated, which Saeyoung couldn’t argue with.

“True. MC is one of a kind,” he said with a loving smile. “She’s a miracle. I don’t think any other girl would have been able to stand a second longer of being next to me.”

"It applies to every other person.”

“ _Oh_!” Saeyoung clutched his chest. “You wound me so!”

“Shut up. Why are you telling me all this, anyway? Your anniversary isn’t for a few months. If you want to rehearse your sappy lines for her, do it in the mirror.”

“I want you to hear this, Saeran, because you deserve to find your own happiness,” the older twin explained. “I’m not sure exactly what’s stopping you from being with a girl who clearly likes you back. But I have a feeling it’s something similar to my own experience with MC. You’re pushing her away, for some reason. Maybe you’re scared, and it’s your first time, so being scared is understandable. Or maybe it’s something else. I don’t know. Point is, don’t be so quick to close the door on her. I’ve seen her, and from what I can tell, she’s about as stubborn as MC is.”

“I guess,” Saeran allowed reluctantly.

“If she’s as stubborn as that, then I think she will stay by your side, whether you want her there or not. She just might be the miracle to you that MC was to me.”

Saeran let out a sigh, his brows knitted in frustration. “I don’t know... I can’t. I just can’t.”

“Think carefully about this one more time,” Saeyoung encouraged, “You only come across a girl like that once in your lifetime. Don’t let her slip away like that.”

Having said his piece, Saeyoung stood from the chair, and after a moment’s consideration, he stepped over to his brother and ruffled his hair.

His hand was promptly slapped away as his brother made sounds of protest, and he laughed. “You’ll be fine, Saeran. Trust me.”

“You’re the person I trust the least,” the feisty man scowled.

“Then I guess we need to be spending more time together to build that love— Oof!”

Withdrawing his fist from his brother’s abdomen, Saeran turned away, facing the wall once more. “You talk too much.”

“I know,” Saeyoung laughed, rubbing at the sore spot on his stomach now. “Hey, if you’re not going to eat those cookies, I’ll take them.”

“Touch those cookies and you die.”

“Okay, I won’t, geez,” he muttered with a pout. “Think about it, alright?” he asked over his shoulder as he opened the door.

“Fine,” was his brother’s annoyed reply before he closed the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

MC let out a yawn as she exited the toilet and entered the bedroom. There, she found her husband’s figure at the desk, hunched over and staring at his computer like he used to. She raised a brow, noting the frown on his face, and was about to ask him what was going on when she heard a voice from the computer.

“Vanderwood?” she called, catching the attention of the redhead immediately. He swiveled around to meet her gaze, and the frown on his face let up just a little, eyes softening when he met her gaze. “MC,” he called.

“MC’s there?” Vanderwood asked through the video messenger that they were using.

With a raised brow, she crossed the room to the desk, making sure her face could be seen through the webcam. “What’s with the late-night bonding session?”

“She’s on to us and our secret romance, Miss Vanderwood!” Saeyoung gasped, which had Vanderwood rolling his eyes and threatening to shut off the messenger right that instant. There was a brief exchange of pleasantries, since she hadn’t spoke with him in a long while, but he had to cut it short to get down to business.

“I’ll get straight to the point. The situation isn’t looking good,” Vanderwood spoke, and it didn’t take long for MC to register what he was referring to exactly.

“What do you mean?” she pressed, eyes darting to Saeyoung’s, only to find that his frown was back again.

“We tracked the coordinates of the places that the escapee seems to have been visiting, according to the various witnesses we’ve talked to. He’s getting closer here.”

“But there shouldn’t be a way for him to find out where we live, right?” MC asked.

"There shouldn’t,” Saeyoung said grimly. “But there should also be no way for a 17-year-old to break out of a boy’s home on his own without any help.”

“So you’re saying that... there could be more?”

“It’s likely,” Vanderwood confirmed. “There are a lot of things we can’t be certain of. For one thing, how far did Rika manage to spread her religious crap? We don’t know if it managed to reach people elsewhere who didn’t join her cult physically. There’s no way of knowing if we tracked all her followers down, either.”

"Then... What does this mean?”

“We’re trying to find out what we can now,” Vanderwood replied. “We’ve also got that rich heir of yours in the loop. We’ve got him pulling strings in the background now, and Saeyoung is going to up the security for all the RFA members just in case.”

“In the meantime, we’ll play the waiting game,” Saeyoung added. “See what moves they make next. We’re still not sure what they plan to do.”

“As of now, I think the three of us and Saeran are in the most danger,” Vanderwood said. “The followers know how we look like, and Saeran was branded a traitor by them. We’re not sure about their motives: if they plan to just flee the country, or if they’re planning on revenge.”

“If it’s the latter, we’ll have to be ready,” MC finished for them both. “Is there anything I can do?”

“The most important thing you should do is to be safe,” Saeyoung instructed, taking her hand and squeezing it in his. “Don’t go out too much. Not until all this is over.”

She stared into his eyes that were filled with pain and vexation. They had thought that things had already ended with Rika’s leaving and V’s death, but it seemed there was more in store for them.

Their fight wasn’t over yet, it seemed.

“Yeah. I just called to update you about things. I’ll leave the rest to you, Saeyoung. I should leave now. Can’t talk for too long. I’ll keep in touch,” Vanderwood said, and the couple said their farewells before he speedily ended the call.

Silence hung over them for a while, with Saeyoung not meeting her gaze. He only held on to her hand, unable to speak. She didn’t really know what to say either. The whole Mint Eye saga had caused nothing but pain for this family. MC could feel herself growing anxious as her mind roamed wild, recalling the harrowing moments that she had been through. Fears of having Saeyoung or Saeran in danger again spiked in her chest. She couldn’t have that again. She just couldn’t. She would go insane if she had to deal with something like that a second time.

“I’m sorry,” Saeyoung muttered then, breaking the silence. He pulled her towards him, resting his forehead against her abdomen as he hugged her.

“It’s not your fault. Don’t be sorry,” she sighed, running her fingers idly through his hair. He was always apologizing, this man.

“I hate all this,” he admitted, voice vibrating through her clothes. “I thought it was all over, but now...” He pulled away slightly to meet her gaze. “I don't want you to be in danger again. I promised I wouldn’t put you through something like that ever again.”

“I know,” she replied, cupping his cheek with one hand. “I’m scared that something will happen to you or Saeran too. I can’t lose either of you, not to mention, I nearly lost you the other time...”

His hand came up to rest over the hand she had placed on his cheek, and he gave it a reassuring squeeze, offering her a smile. “I won’t leave your side. I promise. I’ve got a family now, I have things I need to protect.”

“You’d better,” she murmured, knowing how self-sacrificing this man could be. “We’ve already been through hell, so we’ll get through this too.”

“Yeah, we will,” Saeyoung smiled. This time it reached his eyes, and it prompted her lips to curve upwards as well. “I guess this means late nights up again,” he laughed wryly. “I should go stock up on PhD Pepper and Honey Buddha Chips again.”

“Oh no, we are _not_ having that.” MC rolled her eyes, crossing her arms over her chest. “If you stay up, I stay up with you.”

“No, you’ll need to rest,” Saeyoung protested.

“And you don’t?” she shot back. “I’ll stay up with you. Two heads are better than one, right? And I’ll be able to get you healthier snacks that won’t shorten your lifespan. We still need to grow old together, you know. And that won’t happen if you keep wrecking your body like that.”

There was no arguing with her once she used this tone, and she knew it. MC watched smugly as the fight vanished from his eyes and he shook his head, wordlessly agreeing with her.

“You are a handful, you know that?” he asked, pulling a chuckle from her.

“Yeah, I do,” she retorted, childishly sticking her tongue out at him. “But that’s what you love about me.”

He emitted a small breath of laughter. “Yeah. I love you more than life itself. And I won’t let anything happen to you. Or Saeran.”

“I know you won’t,” MC smiled, bending down to press a kiss to his forehead. “We’ll do this one step at a time.”

“Together?”

“Together.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It. Is. 4.45am. And I finally got this done!!!!! :D 
> 
> (I have a performance today I’m going to show up half dead LOL.)


	14. "Just Saeran"

Friday again. You could hear the chime of the bell, signaling the presence of the ice cream truck, and the excited chattering of children who were leaping to their feet and scampering over to the queue that had already begun to form.

You let out a sigh, determinedly keeping your eyes away from it. You were kind of craving ice cream at the moment... Perhaps it was just out of habit. This week, it would have been your turn to treat him.

You continued on your way, the chattering growing louder, as well as the cry of a particular child who was throwing a tantrum because his mother wouldn’t get him a cone.

You had already planned it all out. Today, you were just going to walk straight home. No stopping, no distractions, no over thinking things. Just go down the path, walk past that bench as if it were any other bench in the park, because it _was_ just an ordinary bench, after all. You wouldn’t stop to stare, nor would you look at it. You would treat it like it was invisible. Ignore it. Then, there would be no melancholy or sadness. Not for that moment, anyway.

But your plans were thwarted by something completely unexpected. You were doing great. You had walked past it with no problems, and you were feeling good about it.

Until you heard someone call your name.

You didn’t recognize the sweet, female voice, and when you turned around, you didn’t recognize the owner of it, either. At first you thought she had been calling for someone else who just happened to have the same name as you, but then she called your name again, and you realized that she was looking straight at you.

You wondered if she was someone you were supposed to know, and you grew more anxious as she stepped closer, racking your brains to remember if she was one of your ex-classmates or something. Nothing came to mind, however, much to your dismay.

“I’m MC,” she introduced, and you froze. You didn't know anyone by that name, or maybe your memory was failing you.

“Hi... Do I know you?” you dared to ask.

“No, this is our first time meeting,” MC said, much to your relief... and puzzlement.

Cocking your head to the side, you asked, “Oh. How do you know my name?”

She smiled then. It was a dazzling smile, one that melted your nervousness away. Something about her was inviting, and made you feel rather comfortable being next to her like this even though you were strangers. There was this warm aura radiating from her, and she reminded you somewhat of a spring breeze. Refreshing and pleasant.

"I’m Saeyoung’s wife,” she replied. Even her voice was soothing to the ears. “Remember him?”

The familiar name had you chuckling. “How could I forget him?” You recalled the last time you had met him in his get-up, and when he had gotten chased by Saeran...

_Saeran._

MC seemed to note the sudden dip in your spirits, for she cleared her throat and gestured for the both of you to take a seat at the bench. Apparently she wanted to speak to you about something.

“What brings you here?” you began conversationally. “I haven’t seen you around here before.”

“Well, I got tired of making dinner, so Saeyoung is on dinner duty tonight,” she chuckled. “Goodness knows what state the kitchen will be in when I get back later.”

“It can’t be that bad,” you offered, but she shook her head with an impish laugh.

“He likes to try all sorts of stunts in the kitchen, especially with the little robots he makes. He always thinks it’s a good idea to cook with those cute little flame throwers.”

“That... doesn’t sound very good.”

“It isn’t,” she admitted with a sigh. “But I wanted to talk to you today, that’s why I left him there.”

“I see. Is there something you want to talk to me about?” you inquired, though you already knew the answer.

“It seems things haven’t been going well between you and Saeran.” It was direct, straight forward. But her voice was kind, and her eyes held empathy and understanding, almost like she knew exactly what you were going through.

“Yeah,” you conceded, dropping your head. “I... don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Do you know? About his past?”

"He mentioned that he killed a man,” you answered, frowning. “I don’t believe it. That’s not the kind of person he is. He’s... not that kind of—”

“It’s true.”

You swore your heart stopped for a moment. Your head swiveled towards her, and you found that her expression was now forlorn, a melancholy that didn’t suit her clouding her eyes.

“It’s true,” she repeated, louder this time, and a long sigh followed.

“But... I don’t... That’s...” You couldn’t picture it. Sweet, gentle, kind Saeran, killing a man. That just wasn’t the Saeran you knew.

“I don’t believe it,” you finished, staring at your palms. “That’s just impossible.”

“But it’s the truth,” MC said firmly, turning to look at you. “That’s a part of Saeran too.”

“That’s...”

“It’s hard to believe, I know,” she agreed. “Saeran, he... He didn’t grow up in the best environment. He was abused, mistreated, manipulated by the people he trusted. And when it got too much for him, he just snapped, and he made a mistake. A terrible one that he still regrets to this day.”

Questions swarmed in your mind, too many that you didn’t know which you should ask first: _What happened to him? What kind of childhood did he have? Who was the person he killed? When did it happen? Did that have anything to do with why he was pushing you away now?_

“I know it’s a lot to take in,” MC spoke, breaking up the chaos in your head.

"Why are you telling me this?” you heard yourself ask, a mild edge in your tone.

“Because Saeran said you didn’t believe him when he told you about it.”

“Of course I don’t,” you said, your hands curling into loose fists. “That’s not the Saeran I know. Up till now he’s been nothing but kind, and sweet, and... he’s not someone who could kill a person.”

"Don’t avoid it,” MC replied. There was a faraway look in her eyes as she said it. “His past is what it is. And if he can’t accept it, then you need to be the one to embrace it for him. Because that’s what he needs right now. Not for someone to turn away from the shadows of his past, but for someone to face it head on and tell him that it’s okay, that you’ll stay by his side in spite of that and that you love him for who he is. Flawed, imperfect, and broken.”

 _Avoiding..._ It stung when she said it, but it dawned on you that that was exactly what you had been doing: averting your gaze from the truth that he had confessed, trying to believe instead in the truth that you knew, instead of his.

“You sound like you’re speaking from experience,” you remarked.

The corner of her lips tugged up in a half-hearted smile. “I am. That was actually how Saeyoung and I began. He thought he was too dangerous for me, and he _was_ dangerous, I’ll admit. His job and everything he was caught up in. And he believed that keeping me out and away from him was the only way to keep me safe and happy, even if it came at the cost of his own heart.”

“But you didn’t give up?”

“I couldn’t. I’d fallen too deeply for him by then. I think it’s the same as you and Saeran right now.”

“...You can tell?”

“Of course,” she mused. “When Saeyoung gave me the cold treatment, I had the same expression that you do now.”

You couldn’t help but wonder how you _did_ look now. “And... he’s keeping me out, for the same reasons?”

“I don’t think his reasons are exactly the same as Saeyoung’s, but he hasn’t come to terms with what he did in the past yet, that much is certain.”

“So it’s guilt.” Maybe that was what it was, that unidentifiable emotion that you would sometimes spot in his eyes whenever he looked up at the sky. Maybe that was what had held him back when you tried to get closer before.

“Perhaps. Maybe it’s something else,” MC answered with a small shrug. “I don’t know for sure. He never said anything to us. He never said a word about what happened before.” She bit her quivering lip, as if to keep from spilling other things out. “Sometimes it’s infuriating how the twins both keep things to themselves, as if they’re alone in this world with no one to count on. But I guess, that was how they grew up, so I can’t exactly blame them.”

You weren’t sure what to say. You wanted to ask about their past, what they had been through, but then a part of you knew that it wasn’t the right time. So all you did was place a hand on her shoulder, squeezing it lightly in reassurance.

“Thank you,” MC said, offering you a tight-lipped smile. “All I can say is, if you want to break down the wall that Saeran has put up around himself, you’ll need to look at him as he is. Not the Saeran you think you know, or the Saeran you want him to be, but Saeran. Just Saeran.”

 

* * *

 

 

_Just Saeran._

Lying on your bed, you gazed up at the ceiling, smiling a little at the memory of when he had given you his name.

And back then, he had already known yours. You still didn’t know how or when he had come to learn of your name without you even introducing yourself first. That man was a mystery.

_"You don't know anything about me. How can you trust someone like me when you know nothing about my past or about the kind of person I truly am?”_

_"I’m a monster. That’s all I’ll ever be.”_

_“He may not say very much, and he can be pretty cold around people, but deep down, he’s a kind person. He’s just... scared of opening up sometimes, because he’s been hurt before. And he suffered for a long time, and at some point... he gave up on people...”_

_“Don’t avoid it. His past is what it is. And if he can’t accept it, then you need to be the one to embrace it for him. Because that’s what he needs right now.”_

The pieces were starting to fall into place, and things were beginning to make more sense now. Why Saeyoung had said those things to you on your first meeting, why Saeran had changed so abruptly, and why he was so determined to sever all ties with you, as if you hadn’t meant anything to him.

You weren’t going to lie — the knowledge that Saeran had actually killed a man was finally sinking in, and so was the fear of him. Of the unknown side of him.

Perhaps this was how MC had felt, when she first discovered Saeyoung’s dangerous side. When she first found out what she was really getting herself into. You’d like to think that it was normal to feel as apprehensive as you were at the moment, doubts that you couldn’t keep from popping into your mind every time you thought of him.

Maybe fear was normal for a girl like you who knew nothing outside of your safe world and sheltered life.

But you concluded that what mattered more wasn’t the fear, but rather, whether you would stay by his side anyway.

And you thought, maybe given a little time for all this to sink in, you would be able to do it. Stay by his side, and never let him be alone again. Because you loved him, and you had fallen far too deep for him already, so much that you felt like you were drowning.

Now all you had to do was convince him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow wow quick update do I get extra hugs for this? ^^


	15. Take a Chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update 7/12/2017: I edited this chapter so there’s no more doll, it’s just an audio file that MC sent to Saeran on behalf of the reader character. There are some changes to the dialogue and the chapter on the whole, if you want feel free to read it again. Thanks!

He soaked in the cool night air surrounding him, releasing a small sigh as he appreciated the soothing quietness of the park. He missed this: the carefreeness in each step, the comfort he found in the solitariness and silence. It had been a while since he could come here without having to think or constantly feel on edge for fear of bumping into a certain someone.

There was nary a soul in the area. Not surprising. It was almost 3am. 2.53am, to be precise. Any normal person would be asleep, or at least in the comfort of their own homes at this time, including her. Which meant there was no chance of him bumping into her, and no one would be out here to bother him. Out here at this ungodly hour, he could be alone, cloaked in the shadows, with the moon and stars as his only companions.

Truth be told, he still preferred coming here in the day since he could see the clouds better. The day sky was far more fascinating; its colors were never the same, always changing and unpredictable. It held many surprises that kept his eyes glued to it. But at night, the sky was just a black blanket, and the clouds were just gray patches of stuff in the night sky. Almost like stains that didn’t belong up there with the soft, twinkling stars or the pretty glow of the moon.

He continued slowly down the road, inhaling the fresh air that still smelled a little of rain. It had rained just a couple hours earlier. The ground was damp, and his shoes would occasionally nudge a stray puddle of rainwater by the side of the path. The soft splashing sounds were almost musical. When he came by a particularly large one he would kick it, sending the water droplets flying and landing with a gentle, almost soundless pitter patter on the grass. The puddle remaining would ripple in protest, and slowly his murky reflection in it would clear again when it became still once more. Then the pin-drop silence in the park would resume, save for the ever-blowing breeze.

It was nice not being crammed in his room together with his thoughts for a change. Out here in the park, the heaviness of his heart and weight of his thoughts felt like a million miles away. With each kick of a puddle he would send it all flying, bit by bit, until he was empty again, so he was almost back to the way he was before he met her.

But ‘almost’ just wasn’t enough.

He came to a stop just a distance away from that all-too-familiar bench, knots forming in his stomach the longer his gaze lingered on it. He wanted to tear his eyes away from it and move on. That was what he had come out here to do: to forget, to stop thinking, to take a break from the turmoil of emotions weighing him down and turning his body to lead.

And as stupid as it sounded, he couldn’t.

He clenched his fists, the sight of the bench bringing to mind his last memory of her: the hurt expression on her face; her eyes glossy with tears, her feverish cheeks slightly flushed, and her pale, chapped lips parted as she called out his name in a shaking, broken voice... He hated it. All of it.

He doubted things would ever go back to the way they were. Nor would the conflicting emotions in his heart ever completely disappear. It was as if he had downloaded a virus from her, one that was wrecking havoc and raising hell inside of him, and one that would stay, unless he shut himself down for good.

He wanted to forget it all. Forget her confession, forget her face, forget her voice. Things would have been much easier if they hadn’t met in the first place. She would still be going about her normal life, and he, his rotten one.

A groan rumbled in the base of his throat. So much for coming out here to escape his thoughts. The temporary respite he relished in when he first slipped out of the house was quickly dissolving into defeat and frustration as he glared at the empty bench.

Nothing made much sense anymore, he concluded. The sky was still high above his head, the ground was still firm beneath his feet, but the world just didn’t make sense anymore. He could no longer understand himself either — why he couldn't just forget, why he couldn’t just move on and not look back on the memories he had of her, or why his legs were moving forward, towards that bench that should no longer hold any meaning or significance to him whatsoever.

Things had long stopped making sense ever since his heart began to beat differently for her.

 _Just one last time,_ he promised himself. He would sit here alone and watch the night go by just one more time. And then he wouldn’t come back. He would forget and move on for good.

He then glanced down at his phone screen where an audio file was on pause, acutely aware of the gaping hole in his heart slowly eating away at what was left of him.

 

* * *

 

_"Saeran. Check your phone, I just sent you a recording,” MC said to him when he was in the kitchen making his nightly mug of hot chocolate._

_He raised a brow, frowning slightly. His phone buzzed just after, and he placed his mug down to unlock his phone and check his messages. MC had indeed sent him an audio file. “To Saeran,” was its title._

_"What’s this about?” he asked, narrowing his eyes at the unusual length of the clip. It was almost 5 minutes long. “ If it’s one of your cheesy cat ringtones with Saeyoung on loop, I swear I’m blocking—”_

_“It’s not. You should probably find some time to listen to it when you’re alone.” Her voice was flat, serious, no trace of humor to be found in her serious, but caring eyes. “It’s from her... The girl from the park.”_

_His heart dropped at the mere mention of her. Images of her face sprung up in his mind, the charming smile brimming with warmth that he realized he missed more than he expected to, and her tears mingling with the rain falling on her face._

_How did MC get to know her? Were they keeping in contact? What kind of audio file was this?_

_His tongue wouldn’t move, nor would his lips budge to ask the questions in his mind. MC took in his silence with an understanding, tight smile, and she patted him on the shoulder, though it did little to comfort him._

_"Hear her out, okay?”_

_He could only stare after her numbly as she took her glass of water with her and headed off to bed for the night, his phone secure in his tightening grip._

* * *

 

 

Carefully, he took a seat on the bench, the hardness and coolness of the wooden planks familiar to him through the fabric of his track pants. He looked upwards, memories of different colors splaying out in the afternoon and evening sky coming back to him. The colors would stain the clouds passing by too...

But all he could see now was black in the dead of night, no moon or stars in sight. It felt like it could engulf him whole if he were to stare at it hard enough.

He looked to his left, noting how empty the bench looked right then. He thought of her, her presence alone that could fill him up with strange emotions and thoughts, and how much he missed the times when they were able to sit here together and let time pass them by without a care in the world.

He placed his phone on the spot where she usually would have sat, fingers gingerly brushing over the surface of the bench.

A few seconds passed as he hesitated, thumb hovering uncertainly over the ‘play’ button, before he finally found the courage to tap on it.

_“H-Hey, Saeran... It’s me.”_

He nearly forgot how to breathe then. That voice... That sweet, lilting voice that flowed like honey in his ears...

_“It’s been a while since we last spoke... How have you been?”_

He didn’t really have an answer to that. He didn’t know. He had just... _been_. The past week had gone by slowly, painfully, and he didn't know how he had made it here. Time just had a way of moving.

_"I hope you’re eating well and, um... I hope you’re doing alright. I’ve been fine, I guess...”_

He frowned. Her otherwise lackluster tone was exceedingly unconvincing of that, and he knew it was his fault.

 _“Sorry, it’s my first time doing something like this, I probably sound silly, huh... Haha...”_ He couldn't help the tiny upward curl of his lips then. She sounded rather embarrassed. It was cute. He had missed this, more than he’d like to admit. He missed hearing her voice, missed having her next to him.

He missed her. So much that it hurt to even think about it.

_“Anyway, I didn't think you’d come if you saw me here, hence this. I still remember what you said to me that day. About you... having killed someone.”_

His felt his heart plunge into the pits of his stomach, while dread filled his chest at the sound of her sigh that followed.

_"I didn’t believe it at first. I didn’t want to believe it either. I actually thought you were saying it just to make me leave. And I thought I knew you. I was so sure that someone like you could never have done something like that. But after thinking a little more, I realized that you were right. I don’t know you that well at all. I don’t know what happened in the past, or what kind of person you really are. There are so many sides of you that I haven’t seen, sides of you that you haven’t shown me.”_

Saeran swallowed thickly, his hands curling into fists on his lap. He resisted the urge to stop the audio clip and delete it so he wouldn’t have to hear the rest of it. No doubt, she would say that she couldn’t do this anymore, that she would stop seeking him out, and put an end to their relationship — whatever it was that they had between them, anyway.

The coward in him was close to winning, his hand inching towards his phone already.

 _"You know, a couple of days ago I spoke to this person called MC.”_ He paused, furrowing his brows in confusion. MC? She met with MC? _What?_

_"She’s your sister-in-law, right? She’s a lovely person, just like your brother, hehe. I’m glad that you have the both of them by your side. Every day must be really fun with them around.”_

He scoffed at that. He wouldn’t exactly call it fun. It was bearable at best, since he had gotten used to Saeyoung’s stupid memes and jokes, although there were times he wished he could move out — namely, whenever he accidentally walked in on them being too grossly intimate with each other.

_"Anyway, she told me that what you said was the truth. That you really did... She didn’t go into any details, so I still don’t know the circumstances behind that incident.”_

Relief filled him and he let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding. So MC hadn’t said anything more. Then again, that sounded just like her. MC always knew what to say and what was better left unsaid.

_"I’ll admit, I became a little scared of you after she told me that. I realized that there was so much about you that I didn’t know about, even the side of you that ended up taking a life. For a while I didn’t know how to approach you, or what I should say. It’s why I avoided coming to the park the past couple of days.”_

He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. This was what he had been trying to get across to her, after all: that he was dangerous, a monster, and that she should stay away from the likes of him.

Nevertheless, hearing her say that she was truly, honestly scared of him... It stung more than he thought it would.

_“But hey, the fact that you’re listening to me now means that I’m not scared anymore. I mean, I still am, just a little... Not of you, I mean. I’m scared that this — that whatever we have now — will end for good. I really enjoyed our daily meetings, Saeran. Honest. We didn’t talk all that much, but it was fun, sitting next to you day by day and watching the clouds go by.”_

He pursed his lips into a thin line, trying to ignore the annoying fluttering of his heart at her words.

_"I believe you, you know. I believe that you told me the truth about your past, but I also believe that you’re a good person at heart, no matter what you think of yourself. I’m certain that the Saeran I’ve spent time with every day for the past few months wasn’t a lie. I also know now that that’s not all there is to you, that you have secrets sealed within your lips, that you have made mistakes that you think are too big to be forgiven, that you were broken and hurt in the past by people you trusted, and that... and that you’re scared too. You’re afraid of trusting others, and afraid of letting people in... Afraid of being happy. And I think that maybe... you’re afraid of how they’ll leave when they realize that they can’t accept you as you are in the end._

_"Saeran, I... I’m not just saying this. I mean every word. I want to know you as you are. Both the good and the bad. And I’ll accept you, no matter what you tell me.”_

It dawned on him quite belatedly that a single tear had fallen down his cheek. Her voice in the recording was wavering too, like she was on the verge of tears. Or maybe she was already crying at this point.

_“I believe in you... so take a chance on me. I promise I won’t leave you.”_

“Why?” he asked aloud, challenging her as if she were here, sitting right next to him. “Why are you trying so hard for me?”

 _“Because... I’ve fallen in love with you, Just Saeran.”_ There was a little pause. “ _It... feels weird saying this out loud. This is embarrassing, I’m sorry.”_ And then a hasty, _“I don’t need an answer from you right now. I know you need time to think over everything, and I don’t want to rush you. I’ll wait for as long as you need me to. And I’ll be here when you’re ready to talk again. So... until then, I guess... it’s goodbye. Stay well, Saeran. I...”_ Another pause. A longer one. For a moment he thought the recording had ended, until she spoke again.

_“I miss you. Hopefully we’ll get to meet soon... I’m sorry. I’ll stop talking now. Thanks for listening, and... bye.”_

The recording ended there, and silence surrounded him once more.

It was broken soon after with what sounded like a blend of crying and laughter.

Suddenly feeling drained of energy, Saeran fell backwards onto the bench, setting the doll beside him. He wiped furiously at the tears that kept rushing to his eyes, his chest rumbling with laughter in a mixture of disbelief, joy and frustration.

His heart felt like it was about to be torn out of his chest while his head felt light. He must look like a madman.

Oh, the things that she reduced him to...

Questions of old, questions that had crossed his mind countless times over the past two weeks surfaced again. Could he really take a chance on her? Could he really give himself a shot at being with her? At being... _happy?_ Even with everything he had done, in spite of the blood and filth on his hands? Would she really be able to accept him the way he was, ugly and rotten on the inside?

Would she say all these things, only to leave him in the end?

Honestly, he didn’t know anymore. He didn’t know what to think. He didn’t _want_ to think either.

All he knew was that she was a risk much to huge to take. Take a chance on her? He couldn’t tell how big that chance was, or how small it might turn out to be.

_“If she’s as stubborn as that, then I think she will stay by your side, whether you want her there or not. She just might be the miracle to you that MC was to me.”_

_“You only come across a girl like that once in your lifetime. Don’t let her slip away like that.”_

Saeyoung was usually wrong. But this time, Saeran wasn’t sure if he wanted him to be wrong or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I know it’s been ages, I’m sorry I took so long but I was struggling with a pretty bad writer’s block for a while. It’s all good though, I have an idea of where this story will go from now on! And it’s not going to be pretty! Yay! :D
> 
> Sorry if I didn’t reply to your comments, it’s just that it’s been too long and it feels a little awkward to reply... haha. But I read all of them and they really kept me going for this fic. Thank you!
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoyed this and if you did, do let me know what you thought about it ^^ See you soon~


	16. Falling Apart

Saeran smirked triumphantly as he leaned back in the chair, crossing his arms behind his back. This was an easy win.

“Re-match! Re-match! I know I’ll win the next round!” the blond in the chair next to him demanded hotly. Clearly, he wasn’t too happy with being relegated to third best gamer in the RFA.

“No, you won’t,” Saeran shot back, which only served to provoke Yoosung further. He scanned the time on the clock, and was surprised to find that it was already nearly 6pm. “Crap. I’m supposed to help MC out with dinner tonight. Gotta go.”

“What? So soon? But I’m not done with you yet!”

“Don’t you have a paper due tomorrow?” Saeran questioned, cocking his eyebrow at the college student. The youngest RFA member could only smile sheepishly at that. Saeran ignored his feeble attempts at excuses to play a little more, and went to grab his phone and wallet from the table.

"Hmph, fine... I’ll beat you next time for sure!” Yoosung huffed, standing up to show his friend to the door.

Saeran offered him a smile that seemed almost pitiful and mocking. “Good luck with that.”

“We’ll see,” Yoosung retorted, determination burning in his eyes. He puffed out his cheeks once more, folding his arms across his chest. “Well, at least you look like you’re feeling better now.”

Saeran raised a brow at the remark. “What do you mean?”

Yoosung offered him a smile, patting him on the back. “You’ve been so distracted on the messenger lately, and when you came over today you looked like you had a lot of things on your mind. Are you okay?”

“Yeah...” Saeran lied, aware that he wasn’t doing a convincing job of it as his thoughts began to trail elsewhere. “I’m fine.”

Yoosung frowned, clearly not believing his words, but thankfully he didn’t press the issue further. “If you need anything, just let me know, okay? I’ll always be ready to listen, and I may not be the best person to give advice about girls or love, but I’ll do my best to cheer you up anyway!”

Disgruntled, the redhead opened his mouth in protest. “It’s not about—”

“Yeah right,” his friend cut in rather wryly. “Don’t lie to me. I haven’t forgotten what Saeyoung-hyung said to us about your girlfriend a while back, you know. I don’t know what else could get you so distracted even while gaming.”

"You of all people should know that Saeyoung is not to be trusted,” Saeran muttered with a roll of his eyes. He secretly hoped that his usual poker face would work on the trusting student.

“True... But you’ve been acting really weird recently too,” he commented, appearing a little reluctant to let this slide.

With a sigh, the redhead stepped ahead of his friend towards the open door. “It’s nothing much.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah,” he lied. “Anyways, I’m going now. Remember to get that paper done.”

“I will, don’t nag at me,” Yoosung said with a pout as he waved his friend off.

 

* * *

 

 

Saeran leaned back in the comfortable leather seat of the car — _Saeyoung’s_ car —and closed his eyes while listening to the low, steady rumble of the engine. For the past week he had been coming over to Yoosung’s place almost every day to game, which the college student more than welcomed in spite of his busy schedule and the workload he had to catch up on. It served as a much-needed distraction from his thoughts, although the respite never lasted for more than ten minutes after leaving.

Just like now.

Saeran shook his head and glared at the steering wheel, as if that would scare his train of thought into submission and keep it from straying towards her for once. With a resigned sigh, he drove off and turned on the radio to make up for the silence and to give himself something else to focus on while driving.

The music drifted into the background while Saeran made his way out of the car park. He was a little dismayed to find that the traffic was quite heavy when he got to the main road, but he should have expected it. It was 6.30pm on a Friday evening after all.

 _A detour it is then..._ Saeran exited the lane heading for the highway and came to a stop at the next traffic junction. Hastily, he grabbed his phone, thinking to drop MC a text to let her know that he would be a little delayed before the light turned green.

But just as he reached for his phone that was lying on the seat next to him, something — or rather, someone — caught his eye.

It was on the opposite street to his right. Not many people were passing through; this area was generally less busy, and hence traffic flow was better. There were still people going to and fro, mostly office workers and a couple of students heading home after a long day.

And in the middle of all that, there was just one lone figure, still and standing next to the entrance of a small alley.

He wasn’t sure why a random stranger like that would catch his eye. He couldn’t even see his face closely from where he was. Not to mention, the boy in question had the hood of his big grey jacket up, as well as a clinical mask covering his nose and mouth. He wasn't doing anything out of the ordinary; he was merely using his phone, oblivious to the passers-by around him, as if waiting for someone.

An inexplicable, ominous feeling began to stir in his gut however, one that formed knots in his stomach. With a frown, and his phone forgotten, Saeran leaned closer to the right and squinted his eyes a little to get a better look. He still couldn't catch a glimpse of the boy’s downcast eyes, but one thing struck him as peculiar and caught his attention almost immediately.

The boy had his weight resting on one leg that was slightly bent, while his other foot was curled around the corner of the wall of the alley entrance, an unusual posture that was earning him a couple of sideways glances from the middle-aged women walking past him.

It seemed almost familiar somehow, uncomfortably so. Saeran was certain that he knew someone who had a similar habit, but the name...

Realization struck him like a hard slap to the face, and he swiftly turned away to avoid being seen, even though it would be quite difficult for him to be seen from this distance and through the tinted glass windows of the car.

_It can’t be... Sejun?_

Saeran suddenly felt sick to his stomach, and a wave of nausea swept through him. But just as he could take another look at the boy, a loud honk startled him out of his thoughts, causing him to snap his attention back to the road, where the light had already turned green.

Coming back to his senses, he quickly stepped down on the accelerator to move off.

This... This made no sense at all. Last he remembered, Sejun was sent to a boys’ home after the whole mess back then. He couldn’t possibly be out here, roaming the streets freely. This had to be a mistake, or a mere trick of his eyes.

Before long, Saeran found himself panting a little too hard, and he had to stop by the side of the road as soon as he could to compose himself, lest he got into a car accident without even realizing. As he focused on taking deeper breaths and slowing down his heart rate, he attempted to convince himself that what he saw had been a mistake. There was simply no other explanation for it.

But then, something told him that the suffocating sense of dread in his chest was more than just simple paranoia.

 

* * *

 

All he took was two steps into the kitchen, and MC was already on to him.

“Saeran, is everything alright? Did something happen to you?” she asked worriedly, nearly dropping the spatula in her hand in the process.

"Nothing’s wrong,” he replied quickly. A little _too_ quickly.

“You said you’d be home an hour ago, and your face is so pale,” she pointed out, putting her hand on her waist while the other continued frying the vegetables in the pan. “Are you sick? Do you need some water? You should go lie down for a bit.”

“I’m just tired,” he lied, turning the other way so she would stop trying to look for more tell-tale signs in his face that would belie his words. “Sorry I was late.”

“It’s fine, Saeyoung is still preoccupied with work so I have more time to cook dinner. That said, you’re on dinner duty tomorrow to make up for today. Okay?”

“Yeah, fine,” he muttered heading over to the counter to pour himself a glass of water. “Do you need any help?”

“I’m almost done, so could you help to set up the table and get Saeyoung out for dinner?”

He gave a hum in response and went about fetching bowls and cutlery and scooping rice into each bowl. Once that was done, he headed over to Saeyoung’s room as requested.

The earlier sighting of Sejun lingered in Saeran’s mind as he walked down the hallway. He contemplated telling Saeyoung about it, to see if he would be able to check in on Sejun’s status back at the boys’ home. Saeyoung would be able to hack into the boys’ home computer system quite easily, and get his hand on a couple of reports if need be.

Saeran breathed out a heavy sigh. _Sejun..._ It had been a while since he last saw the younger boy. Saeran still remembered the day Sejun was officially accepted into Mint Eye, and ordered to train under him. He would never forget the hollowness he saw in the boy’s eyes back then, emptiness just like the one he carried in his own body. Sejun’s face came to mind, along with the green highlights that had been added to his dark brown hair, and the fresh Mint Eye tattoo that he showed off proudly on his chest, right over his heart.

Perhaps it was because he saw so much of himself in Sejun, that Saeran had gladly accepted him, welcomed him warmly to the new family that Mint Eye was to him that Luciel never was, and took care to make sure that Sejun put the Savior’s interests above all else, including his own life. Such was the life and devotion expected of anyone who desired Paradise.

But ever since the incident with Mint Eye, he could never find the heart to visit Sejun in the boys’ home. He often wondered how Sejun was doing over the past few months, but never went to find out for himself.

All because he was a coward.

Saeran raked his fingers through his hair, twisting his lips wryly. Then there was the matter that Sejun might no longer be in the boys’ home, and for whatever reason that was, he intended to check it out himself first. Hopefully he had just made a mistake. He couldn’t be a hundred percent sure that the guy he saw _was_ in fact, Sejun, after all. It would be a better idea to confirm the basic facts before bringing it up to Saeyoung and MC. It would be worse to make them worry for nothing.

They worried far too much about him as it were... especially when it came to _her._

...And there his thoughts went again. Back to the audio message, and back to the dilemma that had been tormenting him for the past week.

It was a constant battle with the same question: _where do we go from here?_ And Saeran had no answer. The clouds wouldn’t tell him a thing, as usual.

He released another heavy sigh, shaking his head as if to physically shake his thoughts away. Just stop thinking. He could think about it after dinner. Or after waking up the next morning.

Or ideally, never.

He came to a stop outside Saeyoung’s door that was left ajar, and was about to knock and call him out for dinner when he heard a voice in the room that certainly did _not_ belong to the older man.

“...worse than we thought it was. How’s the hacking going?”

 _Hacking?_ Saeran frowned. Saeyoung had wanted nothing more to do with hacking after everything that had happened. Why was he back at it now?

"It’s difficult,” he heard Saeyoung mutter with a sigh. “A lot of the data was either erased or damaged back then and I’m not sure how much we can recover. And it’s hard to not leave a trace since everything is with the police now.”

“Just try to get it done as soon as possible. I’m pretty sure Mint Eye’s revival will be furthering the plans that Rika had before.”

_Mint Eye._

Saeran’s blood ran cold at the painfully familiar name. No. It couldn’t be. Mint Eye was over and done with, that witch had been sent somewhere else, and now—

“What about Sejun?” Saeyoung asked, the name stealing the air from Saeran’s lungs. “Have you tracked him down yet?”

“Don’t remind me,” the other man replied with a small groan. “I think he or one of his friends noticed the tracking device, and they deliberately threw us off their tracks by leading us somewhere else. So we haven’t found their hideout yet. Not sure how many followers are with them either.”

“Lighten up, Miss Vanderwood. You look prettier when you’re smiling,” Saeyoung joked, though troubled edge to his voice failed to escape Saeran’s notice.

The younger twin however, couldn’t pay attention to the rest of their exchange, his mind reeling with all this new information.

 _Saeyoung knew._ All this time, he had known. Something about Mint Eye coming back, about Sejun having escaped, and hacking... How much more had Saeyoung not told him? What was going on, and why didn’t Saeyoung say anything about this before? If it was Mint Eye, he could help. Saeran would do anything to destroy it, and watch it burn to the ground till there wasn’t a single trace of it left. Let all the lies and false promises and hopes stacked on it vanish from the face of this earth.

So why? Why didn’t hyung say anything? Why did he have to keep him in the dark, just like last time?

Confusion slowly dissolved into something far more corrosive. With his fists clenched, his eyes burning holes into the ground, he waited. Waited for Saeyoung to end his conversation with Vanderwood, realize that it was already time for dinner, and open the door.

The older man gasped a little dramatically to cover up for his visible flinch when he came face to face with his brother the moment he opened the door.

“S-Saeran ah... You gave me a scare. What are you doing here?”

Saeran didn’t answer. All he did was turn his glare onto his brother, and he watched as Saeyoung’s expression slowly morphed into one of concern and puzzlement. “Saeran, what’s wron—”

“What were you doing just now?” One more chance... He’d give him just one more.

“A-Ah... Nothing much,” Saeyoung replied, pushing his glasses up his nose and smiling. “I was just watching some videos online. The little kitties are so cute, but none of them can match up to Elly—”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Saeran cut in, setting his jaw impatiently. Saeyoung must have sensed something was wrong, for he reached a hand out to rest on the younger twin’s shoulder, which the man promptly shrugged off, as if burned by the contact.

“Saeran,” he began hesitantly, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?”

He couldn’t bring himself to say anything as he searched his brother’s golden eyes, searching for something — anything — that might tell him the truth. But all he found was the usual worry, the fatigue and the sadness.

“You... haven’t changed at all,” the younger man stated. His tongue felt heavy, and with each syllable he felt his chest tighten till it felt suffocating.

“What do you mean?” his brother asked, and Saeran wanted nothing more than to wipe that innocent expression off his face. He was always like this. Acting like the noble one, taking everything on his shoulders, thinking he could protect the entire world on his own.

Because that made him faultless, and a victim of misunderstanding; the better twin.

“Saeran,” Saeyoung reached out his hand once more, only to be rejected again when Saeran turned away defiantly. “Look, if there’s anything wrong, talk to me about it. You know you can trust me, and I’ll always be here to listen to you.”

Saeran couldn’t help but scoff at that. “Talk to you? Trust you?” Venom dripped from every word he spat out. “Do you even know what you’re saying?”

“Saeran—”

“When we were kids, I _trusted_ you. I talked to you about everything. You were the one person I could depend on for help. You said that we had to stick together and rely on each other no matter what, because in this world we only had each other to count on, no one else.”

“Yes, I remember—”

“But ask yourself this: did you ever, for a single moment, trust _me_?” Saeran practically shouted. The hot tears that began blurring his vision failed to help douse the flames of his ire in any way.

Satisfaction lasted only for a moment at Saeyoung’s speechlessness. “Saeran, it’s not what you think.”

“Since back then, you never told me anything,” he continued. “You always said that I should leave things to you and you promised that you would take care of everything and get us both out of that hell hole and far away from that wretched woman. But you never told me about your plans to leave the house or to become a hacker for that agency, you never trusted me enough to tell me more about what you were learning in secret. Did you think that I would give you away? That I would ruin your plans somehow? Was I a burden to you?”

“No, no! It’s nothing like that!” Saeyoung exclaimed, eyes turning glossy with moisture. “You’ve got it all wrong. You were never a burden to me, you’re my brother! Don’t you understand that?”

“But I was the weaker one nonetheless,” Saeran rambled on, words tasting bitter on his tongue. “So you couldn’t depend on me for anything. You had to do it all on your own, while I had to wait for you at home like a fucking damsel in distress. Even now it’s the same. There’s shit happening with Mint Eye and Sejun is out there and you haven’t said a single word about it to me _. Why_?”

A moment of stunned silence passed. “...You heard everything?” Saeyoung asked in a quiet whisper.

“I heard enough to know that you haven’t changed at all,” Saeran answered, gritting his teeth, as a single tear that he could no longer hold back fell down his cheek. “You don’t trust me. You never did.”

“Saeran, please,” Saeyoung grabbed hold of his arm tightly, and he couldn’t shake himself free from the grip easily. “Let’s talk to this out. This is all just one big misunderstanding—”

“Save it!” With a loud cry he grabbed his brother by the collar and slammed him against the wall, pulling a groan past his lips. But Saeran was too consumed by his fury to bother with that. “I don’t want to hear any more lies or half-truths. I don’t want to hear anything from you any longer. I—”

His voice cracked, and he swallowed the thick, painful lump that formed in his throat as he watched the tears spill over his brother’s eyes. His only brother. His only family.

The only one who could hurt him like this.

It felt like a knife was being driven into his chest. It hurt. It really did.

It hurt a lot to know that his one and only brother didn’t trust him. That the only person whom he counted on his whole life thought he was too weak to be of any help.

_I... don’t want to trust someone who doesn’t trust me back._

Eventually, he released Saeyoung’s shirt. He didn’t want to stay to hear Saeyoung’s excuses, or possibly more lies from him. So ignoring the calls of his name, Saeran turned around, ready to storm out of the house when he froze in his tracks, realizing that MC was standing there in the middle of the hallway. She was still wearing her apron, though instead of the carefree smile she had been wearing earlier, her mouth was pressed into a thin line.

Her lips parted to speak, but no words came out. All she did was stare quietly at the both of them, her eyes filled with sorrow.

Saeran averted his eyes from hers and continued heading down the hallway, determined to leave the house no matter how she might try to convince him otherwise.

But just as he passed her, she spoke. Just five words, but enough to show that she understood.

“Don’t come back too late... please.”

He wasn’t sure he intended to come back at all, or at least, not until tomorrow. Even if it was MC requesting, he wasn’t in the mood.

Nevertheless, he gave her a curt nod, and then promptly headed for the door and stepped out, slamming the door close behind him.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading so far and for all your sweet comments the previous chapter. I hope you liked this one too, even though there was no Saeran-Reader interaction eheheh. You’ll see them in the next chapter. I think. :P
> 
> See you soon!


	17. Like the First Time

Saeran bristled when he felt yet another tear seep out from his eye. He wiped it off, glaring at the empty path that lay ahead of his feet. Still his eyes burned, and with each step he took he angrily wiped at the moisture on his face, though each time he dried his eyes, more tears would spill out.

_Useless. Pathetic. Stupid._

He kicked at a stray pebble in his path, sending it flying through the air and disappearing into the grass by the path. He stomped on a couple of fallen leaves, listening to the sound of crunching beneath his feet.

Countless thoughts swirled in his head, an ugly blend of guilt, rage and sadness making his head hurt. He wanted to stop thinking. He didn’t want to worry about Sejun, didn’t want to think about the possibilities of Mint Eye coming back, and above all... he wanted to rid his mind of the faces that Saeyoung and MC had made earlier — expressions that were all too reminiscent of the time just after they had escaped from Mint Eye and Saeyoung had brought him to the bunker against his will.

He supposed there was some truth in it. He _was_ the worthless twin, the unnecessary burden. The briefest thought that perhaps Saeyoung and MC would be better off without him passed his mind, before he shrugged it off. He didn’t want to go there. He had been through that cycle of circular thinking far too many times to know that it would be pointless and a waste of time.

And yet, he couldn’t stop wondering how life would have been for Saeyoung if things were different, if he had been free to pursue his own dreams and ambitions as he wished, without having to worry about the younger brother he had left behind.

A pang of guilt hit him when he looked down at his hand, remembering how he had knocked Saeyoung hard against the wall earlier. The hurt and shame in his eyes... Saeran balled his hands into tight fists, causing his knuckles to turn paper white.

He headed down the street towards the park with renewed vigour, and when he arrived he was dismayed to find more people than usual in the park at this time. Then he remembered it was Ice Cream Day. Of course. Friday nights, perfect for eating ice cream and enjoying an evening stroll.

He cast a wistful glance towards that park bench — his bench — currently occupied by another couple having ice cream together, the girl leaning on his shoulder, the wind tousling her long, flowing hair. The park bench where he should have been sitting with _her,_ on a normal Friday, just staring out at the sky in pleasant, homely silence.

...At times like these, he kind of missed that. Missed seeing her, missed having her there by his side. She had a presence that wasn’t intrusive in the least, but nevertheless _there_ , enough for him to feel a little less lonely on the bad days.

Shrugging the stray thoughts of her aside, he looked away from that bench, trying to ignore the added twinge of pain in his heart now.

He stalked off, hoping to find somewhere else that was quiet enough, and a tree that he could punch, while he was at it. There was one place, actually. The place he tended to go to now that he no longer went there.

Only thing was, before he could even take his first step, his eyes came to rest on the very person he had been thinking about.

Her name sat on his tongue, and he swallowed the lump that was forming in his throat. Her bright, beautiful eyes were blown wide and fixated on his, her mouth hanging agape. Her feet halted in their tracks a distance away from him, his view of her interrupted by the few people weaving through the sizeable gap between them.

...He was on a roll today. A roll of bad luck, that was.

Neither of them said anything. There wasn’t much to say. It was probably the shock from seeing each other in the flesh like this, after what seemed like an eternity of hell and loneliness being away from each other.

His gaze lingered on her even though he knew he shouldn’t, and before long he could feel his face heating up and his heart pounding painfully against his chest. _What’s this?_ It felt vaguely similar to the time when he first saw Saeyoung again, ever since he was left behind in the house. When he first saw a picture of him alive and well, standing next to his brand new, shiny sports car after two years of no news and contact from him.

He felt an urge to call her name, to close the gap between them and grab on to her hand, to make sure that she was real and that she wouldn’t vanish or disappear.

...Maybe he had missed her far more than he had thought.

But the ever-growing lump in his throat caused his voice to lodge in place. No words would come out. He couldn’t... He just couldn’t. Dropping his gaze, he continued on his way in a straight line, eyes narrowing into a glare at the fallen, dead leaves littering the ground.

And he passed by her, without sparing her a second glance.

Now wasn’t the time. He wasn’t in the mood to talk, let alone being to deal with the issues they had between them.

He just wanted to stop thinking for a while.

He caught a whiff of the sweet scent in her hair mixed with the fresh evening air as he passed her, and he closed his eyes, wanting to commit that scent to memory. Foolish, he knew, but it was probably all he could have.

All too soon his head began to get flooded with more thoughts. Unwanted nuisances. He needed to let out all this steam somehow or he was certain he would lose his mind.

His pace quickened and in another five minutes or so he finally found himself at his new temporary shelter. An empty stretch of grass, much like a little meadow, sloping downwards to a small pond below. Not many people came by this area, so he had taken to lying on the grass and staring up at the sky on days and nights that he wanted some fresh air.

There didn’t seem to be anyone around today either, thankfully. From here, he could see the moon and traces of glittering stars reflected in the glossy surface of the waters. Peaceful. Serene. Everything that he wasn’t at the moment.

He trudged towards the grass, towards the tree at the top of the slope. Then he removed his sweater and threw it to the ground, leaving him in his red tank top. He shivered slightly as the cool night breeze brushed along his skin, but relished in it.

He took a deep breath. Then he curled his fingers into a tight fist, aimed, and sent the first punch flying towards the rough bark of the tree.

 

* * *

 

You had gotten fairly used to the old routine again. Heading down the same old path to home at the end of the day, thinking about what to do once you got back home, mulling over the day’s events, making mental notes about the sky while you walked... Just the usual things.

But of course, now in the back of your mind, a certain redhead would also always be there, the image of him faintly tugging at your heartstrings. You would find yourself subconsciously keeping an eye out for any sign of him. Not that you had very high expectations anymore.

You knew MC had delivered your audio message to him. Whether he had actually listened to it was another matter... For all you knew, he might have deleted it and left it as that. But a part of you had a feeling that he wouldn’t do something like that, and that he would hear you out. That being said, you rather regretted what you said about waiting for him as long as he needed you to. It came with doubts that clung to you everywhere you went. The questions and insecurities were like thorns piercing your temples, pricking you deeper and deeper as the days went by as quick as the autumn leaves were falling, leaving you awake and longing in the middle of the night, and daydreaming of ‘what could be’ and what you might have already lost.

The doubts worsened after bumping into him like that earlier. He had seemed tense, on edge, his jaw set and eyebrows drawn down in a deep frown as he stormed down the path in your direction. You had noticed him first, and when his eyes found yours, you saw something unrecognizable flicker in them. You thought there was something akin to longing in them, or maybe that was just your wishful thinking.

Nevertheless, he had dropped his gaze from yours almost too quickly for your liking and continued on his way, brushing past you without so much as saying a word, all while his eyes were narrowed into a furious glare at the road ahead of him.

Did he hate you? Did he not want to see you anymore?

Was the answer a ‘no’, after all?

More importantly, were those... remnants of tears in his eyes? Not to mention, they seemed a little redder than usual. Not the clear whites, as pure as the clouds, that you remembered.

Turning your head over your shoulder, you watched as he left, striding off at a hurried pace with his hands in his pockets, the wind tossing his angry red hair about.

You didn’t like how lonely he looked like that, with his back facing you, shoulders slightly hunched and his head tucked downwards to stomp at the leaves in his path. Where he intended to go, you had no idea. You hesitated, wondering if it would be a good idea to follow, although the thought of leaving him alone hardly appealed to you either.

A familiar ringing reached your ears then. A soft, tinkling chime, carried by the evening breeze towards you. And the faint sweet scent of ice cream wafting through the air, like a gentle beckoning of sorts.

A little spark ignited in your mind. A click, as if the world around you had somehow shifted like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle to fit perfectly, and soon you felt the insecurities begin to fizzle off into nothingness, the hole in your chest replaced by something else.

Something else, the one thing that had started this all in the first place.

 

* * *

 

 

He lay on the grass, panting hard. His head had never been clearer, with the pain in his bruised and bloodied knuckles and fire in his burning throat coursing through him.

All he could see was the expanse of darkness, and the twinkling lights in the night sky. Weak, flickering lights that looked like they would go out at any time, with just the slightest puff of air. The moon was nowhere in sight, and he was partially glad for it. He didn’t want the glare of the moonlight in his eyes. The darkness was good. Here, he was invisible. He didn’t have to exist. Sometimes he felt like if he lay here long enough, unmoving, he’d become one with the ground and simply disappear. No worries, no emotions, no turmoil. Just... nothing.

He winced a little as he uncoiled his hands from their fisted positions, the wounded flesh of his hands screaming in protest. He raised his hand to get a closer look at the knuckles and grimaced slightly. That would be difficult to bandage, let alone explain later when he got home.

_Home._

Did such a place exist anymore? A part of him — a stupid part of him, he knew — was whispering, _‘He doesn't want you anymore.’_ Like an accursed lullaby, one lulling him to sleep so it could torment him in his dreams. Maybe Saeyoung would finally get tired of his violent outbursts, sick of having to help clean up the mess he had made back in Mint Eye that was now coming back to haunt them all. Maybe even MC was running out of patience.

_Maybe, maybe, maybe._

It was a rather automatic response. Saeyoung had been the one to teach him this, on one of the days that he managed to sneak them both out of the house, when their mother was having too strong a hangover to wake up.

He grabbed a pebble just next to his hand and with one strong swing, threw it down towards the pond. He imagined his thoughts flying away in that parabola down towards the pond, and with a soft splash, sink down into the depths of the waters.

_Good riddance._

He settled his gaze back towards the night sky, trying to connect the dots and draw shapes out of the stars above. Rather wistfully, he wished that the clouds were there instead. Clouds had more variations, and they were big, seemingly big enough to engulf him if he were to fly up there and sink into them.

Not to mention, if it was daytime, the ice cream truck would still be there... not that he had brought any money out with him to buy some.

It would be nice if he had some ice cream to eat though. Ice cream always made the bitter days a little sweeter.

“...Here.”

He jerked out of his thoughts at the sound of a woman’s voice. A voice that he shouldn’t be able to hear.

He raised his head up, and was stunned to see _her_ , squatting right next to him, with a tentative smile stretching her nervous lips as she held out an ice cream cone towards him, another in her other hand.

He bolted into sitting position, startling her slightly. The smile on her face faltered, and her eyes flickered from his to the ice cream in her hands. Back and forth, back and forth, it went. Like a table tennis match. He did the same, until his eyes accidentally met with hers. Then both of them looked away at the same time, finding interest in the tiny grass blades that were barely visible in the dark.

He didn’t move. Couldn’t move. His heart was palpitating in his chest, heat closing in on him so now his entire face felt like it was in flames.

What was she doing here? Why was she doing this to him? Why wouldn’t she just stay away? Why wouldn’t she stop caring about someone as unnecessary as him?

_And... why was he so happy... seeing her here now?_

He snapped out of his daze when he felt something nudge at his hand.

He looked and found that she was carefully inserting the cone into his curled hand. She loosened her grip on the cone, prompting his to tighten around it in response.

He stared at the cone for a few moments, his mind experiencing a brief short circuit. He wasn’t sure how to respond.

And then there was a single utterance. A whisper, barely louder than the sound of the tiny ripples on the surface of the pond.

“...Thanks.”

He saw her lips curl up, curving into the shape of the moon. _This_ was a smile. Not marred by awkwardness, free of the hurt and heartache he had left her with the last time they met. He had forgotten just how breathtakingly beautiful that smile was, how it made the air that much lighter on his shoulders, and how the moon and stars paled in comparison to her.

_Just like the first time._

He thought she would take a spot next to him as she did that day she first approached him, but to his surprise, she merely whispered a “Goodbye”, a fleeting sound that made his heart sink like a star falling from the sky. Then she stood, turning her back on him.

_No. Don’t leave._

On impulse, he reached out and grabbed her hand, stopping her in her tracks. Her hand was warm. Warmer than his.

She froze, unmoving for a moment. Then she turned her head to look at him over her shoulder, her eyes gleaming with something he couldn’t read in the starlight.

He hastily let go, averting her gaze and mentally cussing at himself for doing something so stupid and embarrassing. She probably thought he was creepy and would leave as fast as she could now.

But strangely enough, she didn’t run off and leave him like she should have. Like any normal person should have.

Then again, she wasn’t the most normal girl out there, was she? Only an alien like her would be interested in a guy as messed up, as broken and ugly as him.

Quietly, she sat down next to him, carefully keep a gap between them. A gap that was big enough for him to feel comfortable, yet not too small that he would feel cold and alone like he had been earlier.

From here, he could feel the warmth of her skin radiating off of her in waves, and inhale the scent of ice cream. How nostalgic.

He had missed this.

“I didn’t want to make you to feel uncomfortable,” she spoke, breaking the silence between them. “That’s why I was going to leave after giving this to you, but...” A happy sigh with the hint of a chuckle escaped her. “I’ll stay here. You can forget about everything that's happened between us until now if that makes you feel better, just... let me stay here with you. Just for a little while. At least until you feel better.”

He didn’t know what would feel better, or whether he could even ‘feel better’ with the way things were, with Mint Eye, Saeyoung, and her.

But he supposed, as he took the first lick of his ice cream, that in this space, where he and she alone existed, he could let go and savour her presence, her warmth and the sound of her breathing. Enjoy the silence and the memories that existed in the gap between them.

_Just for a little while more._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished this in class (I really should pay attention now lmao) thanks and sorry for the wait, college has been tough so far and it’s hard to find time to sit down and write like I used to. I’ll try my best to update when I can, because as much as possible I don’t want to put this story on hiatus.
> 
> Anyways hope you enjoyed this chapter, I hope it was fluffy enough for y’all (especially those of you currently playing V’s route lmao). 
> 
> See you soon hopefully :)


	18. I Promise

"You don’t look so good. What’s up? Finally ran out of those nasty chips you’re always eating?”

“Don’t ask...” Saeyoung muttered as he typed away, keys clacking on the keyboard with speed that he hadn’t had to muster in a while. He was rusty; more than he’d like to admit.

“Then what’s bothering you? It’s been a while since I saw this expression on your face. You know... it actually feels quite nostalgic seeing you moping about like this again. Brings back memories when we were still stuck with the agency,” Vanderwood scoffed.

Saeyoung’s fingers didn’t stop moving even as he glanced up briefly to offer a wry smile and throw a wink to the webcam. “Yeah, Miss Vanderwood, you have no idea how much I miss the times when we lived toge—”

He rolled his eyes and interjected, “Yeah, right.”

“—ther. I still remember all those nights we spent together alone in bed—”

“Okay, _okay!_ I get it. I’ll stop asking, sheesh. You don’t have to make me gag just to get me to shut up.”

“Aw, but Miss Vanderwood, I’m just telling the truth,” Saeyoung chuckled half-heartedly, the half-smile threatening to slip from his face at any moment. Man... how long had it been since he’d needed to force a smile like this? Not to mention, locking himself up in the room for hours with a large stash of Honey Buddha Chips and Phd. Pepper and getting nagged at by Vanderwood... He didn’t know if he liked the nostalgic sentiments or not.

He laid back for a moment to watch the bar on the mini-window sitting by the side of his computer screen turn full then. “ _Download complete,_ ” the window now read, and in a flash he was back to business.

“It’s done.”

Paying no mind to the older man’s audible gasp and following sigh of relief, the former secret agent quickly got to work sending the files to the other.

“It’s been a while but you still manage to hack into the police database in under an hour,” Vanderwood remarked in disbelief, as he got to work accessing the encrypted files. “I guess some monsters just stay— What the— Why the hell are there so many files for a cult that lasted just slightly less than two years?”

"I think we underestimated Rika,” Saeyoung replied grimly, already getting down to business trying to decrypt the files. _And Saeran,_ he added in his mind as an afterthought. The mess of letters littering the files that they needed to look at was enough to give him an imminent headache. He had never been fond of decryption. If he had more time, he may enjoy the process more, but ninety-nine percent of the time, there was no such thing. Time was a luxury no secret agent could afford.

This time was no exception.

“And the files are tightly encrypted too... Your brother’s a monster just like you, isn’t he?” Vanderwood questioned with an arched brow. Saeyoung couldn’t tell if the older man was impressed or vexed. Probably both, just like he was. “How long will you take to decrypt these?”

“If I can’t get Saeran, then... a week, if I’m lucky. I’ll have to work overnight too,” the redhead answered with a tired sigh. He leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head, muttering, “This brings me back... and I don’t like it.” He screwed his eyes shut, mind wandering back for what seemed like the thousandth time to his brother once more. His left shoulder still hurt from where he got slammed against the wall last night, but that couldn’t compare to the aching in his chest when he recalled his brother’s tear-streaked face.

It was all his fault. He had made Saeran cry again, betrayed his trust again... The bitter thought made his chest clench. Saeran was right. The truth had hurt when he blurted it out like that, but he was right. Saeyoung didn’t trust his own brother enough.

And he supposed that made him no better from V after all.

“Just get your brother to help,” Vanderwood stated, his voice pulling him back to reality. “It’ll be a lot faster that way, and we don’t have that much time... The next RFA party is in a month, right?”

“I would, but right now he’s mad at me. I’m not sure how much he’d be willing to work together.” As he said this, Saeyoung visibly deflated in his chair like a balloon, misery sinking deeper onto his features once more.

“ _Ugh_ , seriously?” Vanderwood merely groaned and raked his fingers through his hair to muss it up impatiently. “We don’t have time for this. Just apologise to him and make up. Bribe him with something that he likes or something. We need him to get to work. There’re too many details we need to iron out, and who knows what the Mint Eye remnants are planning right this moment?”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll... figure something out...” Saeyoung deadpanned with a dismissive wave of his hand. He certainly didn’t miss the older man’s nagging. Well, at least there wasn’t a taser pressed to his neck this time. “How are things on your end? Have you checked out the old Mint Eye headquarters?”

“I did. I couldn’t go in because the place is still cordoned off. There were some soldiers stationed there too, so I couldn’t go in. The only thing I could catch was a picture of a pretty fancy car parked outside. It stuck out like a sore thumb in the woods... Wonder what it was doing there.”

“Send it over.”

“Already did. Check your email.”

True enough, the email was already there, and Saeyoung clicked on the photo attached. A low whistle escaped him when he saw the sleek black beauty — a W213 Mercedes-Benz E-Class. Good taste, if he could say so himself, though he was still more of a sports car kind of guy.

“Quit checking out the car and find out who’s the registered owner of that car, you idiot.”

“I’m on it, ma’am.”

"Stop calling me that.”

Saeyoung flashed him a cheeky grin as he set about trawling through the archives in the vehicle license registration system. It was a good thing he had already hacked into it earlier so he could save time.

“Let’s see...” he murmured. “The car belongs to a person called... Park Ha Yoon...”

“Hmm? Park Ha Yoon?” Vanderwood echoed with a small frown, apparently trying to remember where he’d heard that name before. “Sounds familiar...”

There was a few seconds of silence save for a quick tapping on the keyboard, before Saeyoung’s eyes narrowed on the pictures on his screen. They were of a smiling couple clad in pristine white coats at a press conference, with various shining awards in their hands.

“Hey Vanderwood?” the redhead called nervously, as he ran his fingers through his messy red locks. “I think we really _did_ underestimate Mint Eye after all.”

 

* * *

 

 

Saeran hated the ache in his chest. He had just sent her home and seeing her disappear behind her dull grey front door had left his heart clenching uncomfortably in his chest.

He surmised that goodbyes were something he would never come to find pleasant.

Raising his hands, his eyes lingered on the bandages covering his knuckles. She had insisted on bandaging his hands before leaving him. He would have protested, but when she took his wounded, bloodied hands in her warm, soft and smaller ones, the words and protests instantly died in his throat. There was something magical about her touch. Or maybe his brain had just made a habit of shutting down around her.

She had been gentle as she treated his wounds, taking care not to hurt him, and she would apologise profusely whenever he visibly winced and flinched from the pain. He would crack a smile when that happened because he could see the worry flash in her eyes, and as selfish as it sounded, he had rather liked that she worried about him— _cared_ about him, even though he had pushed her away, made her cry, and was still making her wait for him.

He really didn’t deserve her.

As she treated him, he would look away and secretly steal frequent sideways glances at her, and he had found that her eyes would linger on the other old scars and bruises on his arms. Those were a range of old burns from the tips of smouldering cigarette butts, rope marks that had torn deep into his skin till he bled, and other injuries he had sustained both from when he was a child and when he was working in that terrible place.

In particular, she had seemed curious about the bandages covering his right arm, but she hadn’t asked him about them like he thought she would. Perhaps she could tell that he wouldn’t give her an answer even if she _did_ ask.

So instead of a question, she had a request for him.

“Saeran...” The sound of his name rolling off her tongue made goose bumps crawl up the back of his neck. He had nervously met her eyes, unsure of what to expect. Maybe she never wanted to see him again. She might have decided that he was too scary, too self-destructive, too _broken_ to be worthy of her.

“Please take better care of yourself,” she had said, breaking his train of thought, as her unwavering eyes locked with his. “No matter what you think of yourself, you’re precious to the people around you — much more than you think. So cherish yourself more, okay?”

He really needed to stop going back and forth with this. She had shown him countless times that she wasn’t just someone with sweet, deceiving lips. She genuinely cared about him, and he just had to trust that she did.

He clenched his fist, feeling the bandages tighten around his still stinging knuckles.

_Trust, huh._

It was close to midnight now. As Saeran approached the gate to the bunker, he quickly put his sweater back on. He heard the voice recognition system boot up as it usually did. It seemed Saeyoung had made yet another change to it while he was gone. This time, instead of the usual math problem he would have to solve, facial recognition did the trick to open the gate. There was only a message for him:

 _"Saeran-ah, hyung is so sorry. Come in quickly; l promise I’ll tell you everything tonight.”_  

The brief message ended and the gate opened, allowing him to enter. The young redhead only picked up his feet to go inside after a few seconds.

As he removed his shoes, he heard the sound of house slippers shuffling across the floor. He didn’t need to look up to know who it was.

"MC.”

“You’re back. Thank goodness, we were so worried, and— your hands.” Her eyes widened and she rushed over to take his wrists to get a better look. He shrugged her hands off, avoiding her concerned gaze. “What happened? Did you get hurt?”

“It’s just a couple of scratches.”

"Who bandaged you up?”

"Where’s Saeyoung?”

“In his work room... You’re... going to talk to him?”

“Yeah.”

MC followed him as he headed down the hall. “Does this mean that you’re not mad at him anymore?”

“I am,” he replied through gritted teeth. “But that’s not important right now.”

Placing a hand on the door handle, he pushed it down and entered the room. He was greeted by the smell of Honey Buddha chips and Phd. Pepper, accompanied with the sound of endless typing on a keyboard. Three computers were running, the light from the screens glaring even though the room was well-lit. MC clicked her tongue disapprovingly, and Saeran followed her eyes to the empty Honey Buddha Chips packets littering the floor around his desk.

What caught Saeran’s eye next was the monitor on the wall. It seemed to be displaying a satellite image of a tall castle-like building with a large, dome-shaped roof in the colour of mint green.

It... couldn’t be.

Saeran blinked twice, but the image didn’t change. His eyes weren’t just playing tricks on him.

_The Mint Eye headquarters._

A wave of nausea hit him as the accursed building came into view, and he felt his throat begin to constrict uncomfortably. Unpleasant memories flooded his mind, and he became especially mindful of his right arm once more. If Mint Eye was back... He shuddered at the thought. It couldn’t be; that woman had been shipped off to Alaska — for good. The cult had crumbled into dust; without a Saviour, there was nothing left for the followers. Not to mention, all of Mint Eye’s files and data were no longer accessible. It would be impossible for anyone to act on the plans that that woman had at the time.

Mint Eye should have ended a year and a half ago. So why was it back now?

The encounter with Sejun surfaced in his mind once more, and Saeran didn’t know if he was prepared for what Saeyoung would be telling him later.

“Don’t worry, we’ll talk about everything tonight,” MC stated with a tight smile, pulling him back to reality.

He nodded curtly, eyes resting on his brother’s hunched back. Saeyoung was always so busy because of him. The thought made some of the anger from earlier gradually dissolve into something more akin to guilt.

“MC, you should go to sleep first. I don’t think I’ll be sleeping tonight,” the older man muttered, having sensed the presence of another person in the room now. He removed his headphones and turning around to show off his “cute” pout to the only person he thought was in the room. “I think I need a _wittle_ kiss to recharge—”

MC only offered a wry smile when Saeyoung’s eyes darted from her to Saeran. He froze up, eyes widening and lips parting to form an ‘o’. Saeran looked away, irritation building up inside him once more beneath his brother’s unnerving stare.

“S-Saeran, you’re back,” Saeyoung stammered, quickly getting off his chair. In his haste, he tripped over one of its legs and stumbled, but with a mighty shriek and some quick reflexes, he managed to regain his balance.

When he looked back up again, Saeran noted the redness in Saeyoung’s eyes. Whether they were from tiredness or from crying earlier, he didn’t know. But he could tell that the moisture building in the other man’s eyes right then was not a mere trick of the lighting.

He really was an idiot.

"Are you... still mad at me?” Saeyoung asked quietly. “I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me tonight.”

“I am.” Saeran watched as Saeyoung visibly flinched at his words. Saeyoung could only grit his teeth and force a smile to pretend that he didn’t just get stabbed by the knife-like words.

“I-I see...”

He was always pretending.

“You promised you would tell me everything tonight.”

The older twin ran his hand through his messy hair, releasing a long, weary exhale. “Yeah... I did. There’s a lot to talk about.”

“Don’t leave anything out this time.”

“I won’t.”

 

* * *

 

Saeran’s mind was whirling from all the information that had just been dumped on him.

“Give me a while to think,” was all he had said to MC and Saeyoung before exiting the room and heading back to his. He needed to collect his thoughts alone.

A year and a half... Quite some time had passed, and yet the memories, the scars and the horrors from back then all seemed so fresh. Saeran wanted to punch himself. Or another tree. Just how naïve could he get, to believe that Mint Eye would become a thing of the past for good, just like that?

He had been the one handling all the information and doing all the networking to spread that woman’s ideologies as far as he could in the shortest amount of time. Reaching out the ones who were most vulnerable — prostitutes, runaways, the homeless... They were all people who had been cast aside by the people they loved, people who had nothing left to hope for, people who had gone through tremendous pain and suffering.

He had thought that with Rika gone, the followers that had been born far beyond the walls of the building itself would also disappear. But he of all people should have known that people only become viciously desperate when their only hope is stolen, wrenched clean from their hands.

For all that he had been through, he was still nothing more than a stupid, naïve boy. The foolish, weaker twin. The twin that wouldn’t have lasted a day without his brother there to protect him.

Saeran wanted to stay mad at Saeyoung for not telling him these things earlier. He _was_ still mad, but right then, he didn’t have the energy to focus on that. He recalled Saeyoung’s back view as he worked, and the tiredness weighing his entire body down. Saeyoung could be a big idiot at times, but he had been working his whole life to protect his younger brother. Even now, Saeyoung was buried in work because of him. Keeping an eye out for any Mint-Eye related activities online, working with Vanderwood to track down the whereabouts of missing Mint Eye members like Sejun, trying to figure out the possible connection between Park Ha Yoon, a famed scientist in the development of medical drugs, and Mint Eye itself...

“Dr. Park’s research is government-funded,” Saeyoung had explained earlier, “so it’s possible that the... Prime Minister might be related to this, but we’re not sure yet. It’s also possible that he isn’t, but for now we should just lay low.”

Saeran could feel a headache coming on as he lay on the bed, staring blankly at the ceiling. It was all starting to make sense though. He had never questioned Rika before back in Mint Eye. But, thinking about it now, all the obvious questions that he ignored in the past were beginning to bubble to the surface. How had she gotten that much money to fund Mint Eye? Charity funds wouldn’t have been enough for that — there would have been a limit to the amount of money she could misappropriate without the RFA members getting suspicious.

Furthermore, Rika couldn’t have gotten all those drugs that were used to make the elixir on her own. But if there was a connection between Park Ha Yoon and Mint Eye, then it would have been very easy for her to get those drugs in large quantities.

If Saeran recalled correctly, Sejun used to be part of the group that would get the drugs. From what he knew, they would get the supplies from prostitutes around Minari. The prostitutes themselves wouldn’t have been able to get their hands on the drugs alone — they may have obtained the goods from their customers. And it wouldn’t be that far-fetched at all for their customers to be related to Dr. Park, or the government, at that.

There were just too many connections to be made, and it seemed like they had been unknowingly caught within a giant web of lies and horrors that had yet to be discovered.

And Rika was right at the centre of it all.

_Knock knock._

The sound of his room door opening broke Saeran’s train of thought and his head snapped towards his brother who was standing in the doorway, holding a tub of ice cream and a spoon in one hand, and a new pack of Honey Buddha Chips in the other.

"Thought you might want something to ease your mind from all that information overload,” Saeyoung said with a smile. Saeran would have told him to leave by force of habit, but he relented on account of the comfort food he had brought with him.

Saeran accepted the tub and spoon from Saeyoung and immediately opened it to start poking at the frozen dessert. Thankfully, Saeyoung had heated up the spoon so it wasn’t too difficult to scoop up the ice cream. In the meantime, Saeyoung took a spot by Saeran’s desk, tearing his packet of chips open.

“Are you still mad at me for not telling you?” Saeyoung asked before he could pop the first chip into his mouth.

“You keep asking me that,” Saeran muttered, eating a spoonful of his chocolate brownie-flavoured ice cream.

“Right, sorry...”

“There’re so many other things to worry about now; I can’t even focus on staying that mad at you.”

“That’s true.” A sigh. “Things are a huge mess right now. And we’re caught right in the middle of it. What luck, right?” A bitter, humourless laugh. “All we ever wanted was a normal life, to live freely together.”

“And yet, here we are,” Saeran finished with a shake of the head.

“But it’ll get better. I promise we’ll get out of this, somehow.”

He was always so positive. So bright. So full of hope. “You always say that,” Saeran scoffed. “You make these promises even though you can’t control the future.”

Saeyoung smiled wryly at that. “You’re right. I make these promises because that’s all I have to offer. There’s nothing else I can do but cling to the hope that things will get better eventually. Promises make hope seem surer, make you stronger because you have to fulfil them, no matter what. And because I’m not strong enough,” he added in a softer voice, “I have to keep making these promises to you, to MC, and to myself.”

“You’re not weak.” The fierceness of Saeran’s tone caused his head to snap up to meet the younger twin’s glare. “You’re... anything but _weak._ Ever since we were kids, _I_ was the weak twin; the one who had to rely on you. You were strong. So strong. If you wanted to do something you would go and do it. I was too scared to do a lot of things, but you were fearless. You would take my hand and tell me that everything would be okay.” Saeran didn’t know why he was saying all these things, but it was like his mouth had taken on a life of its own, and he couldn’t stop.

“All my life I couldn’t do anything right. That’s why I was mad at you when you didn’t tell me. Because it hurt knowing that you thought I was too weak or useless to help, even though you were the one person who told me as I grew up that I wasn’t. But maybe that was a white lie too. Even now, I’m only a burden to you and MC. Maybe it’s better if you just left me and—”

 _Smack_.

Saeran blinked twice, eyes slowly moving to meet his brother’s. The anger burned in his golden irises, and Saeran wanted to shrink away, to hide, because Saeyoung could be a lot of things — worried, hurt, upset... But he was never _angry_.

He couldn’t move though. Not with Saeyoung’s hands on his cheeks, squeezing them so he would stop talking and forcing him to look him straight in the eyes. His hands were trembling slightly, and Saeran realised that Saeyoung’s shoulders were shaking too.

“Don’t... ever say that again.”

A tear droplet fell on his cheek.

 _Ah_.

He had made his brother cry again.

"You have no idea how many times I wanted to give up on living,” Saeyoung bit out, voice threatening to break at any time. He sounded so fragile, like he would shatter into a million fragments if Saeran were to budge even a little. “You don’t know how helpless and weak I’ve felt my whole life, because I couldn’t protect you or be by your side. When we were beaten and punished, you were always hurt more, and I couldn't do anything. I was a useless hyung. And when I came back from missions seriously injured, or stuck in the work room for five days straight with no sleep, do you know what kept me going? What made me willing to get through every day? It was _you_. Your existence, the photo of your smile... _You_ gave me strength to keep going; to keep living.

“You’re not weak. You lived through years of malnutrition and being drugged regularly while working yourself to the bone. You lived through being alone in that house with our mother, without knowing what had happened to me, or how long more you would have to suffer her abuse. I wouldn’t have been able to hold out alone if I were in your position... And the reason I didn’t tell you about all that’s been happening recently _isn’t_ because I thought you were weak or unreliable. I would have told you anyway, honest. But for the first time... you looked like you had a shot at finding happiness like I did with MC. I... I didn’t want to ruin that for you. I’ve ruined enough of your life — I wanted you to have at least that.”

How long had it been since they last talked like this? This reminded Saeran of when he had just been brought to the bunker after the whole episode with Mint Eye — he had been far less calm and too agitated to listen, of course, but there had been moments, just one or two, when they had spoken like this. Raw, vulnerable, hearts laid bare to reveal the mess of scars and insecurities that the two had buried within them for years.

Saeran felt his eyes begin to brim with moisture at Saeyoung’s words, and before long, tears were running down his cheeks.

"We’re both idiots,” he muttered as Saeyoung released his face and pulled him in for a hug. He clutched onto the hem of Saeyoung’s jacket in return.

"Yeah. We are,” Saeyoung chuckled through his sniffling. “We’re twins.”

A few seconds of silence passed before Saeran spoke again. “You... You made a promise just now, didn't you?”

“I did?”

“That we’ll get out of this mess somehow.”

"Oh right. I did.”

The younger twin nodded. “I’ll... do the same. After this, we won’t have to hear the name Mint Eye ever again. I promise.”

Saeyoung pulled away, wiping his tears on the sleeve of his hoodie and smiling as he held his hand out to Saeran. “Let’s work hard to fulfil our promises then.”

Saeran dried his cheeks and eyes on the sleeve of his sweater, before smiling and taking his brother’s warm hand. He squeezed it tightly.

“Looks like we won’t be getting much sleep tonight then.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will!!! edit this in this morning!!! because it’s 3am!!! and I can!!! barely! keep! my! eyes! open! anymore!!!!!
> 
> Okay so here are some quick updates: 
> 
> 1) Summer break is here and I will try my best to finish this story before the next semester starts.  
> 2) I will probably go on an indefinite hiatus from fan fiction after this summer. Not gonna lie, I’m not as passionate about Mystic Messenger as I was before, and I would like to work on writing original stories instead of fan fiction, since I don’t have time for both anymore. 
> 
> Therefore, I will do my best to finish Believe Again before the new academic year starts. 
> 
> Thanks for reading all the way till here, and for coming back to read even though you probably forgot about everything that has happened so far given the long break between update haha. :) Took a long time to update because I had to settle a lot of plot-related things. Thanks for reading and I appreciate you guys coming back to read this ancient fic haha. 
> 
> I’ll see you soon!


	19. Nostalgia

“Saeran, you should get some rest.”

“Says you. You haven’t slept at all either.”

“But you should take a break. Get something to eat, at least.”

“Not hungry.”

“Here, have some chips.”

_Crunch. Crunch._

“Would you be _quiet_ for a sec and let me work?”

“Okay, okay. But still, when you’re done you should go take a nap and—”

Saeran reached for a stray honey buddha chip on the table and threw it at his brother to shut him up. It bounced off his temple and landed on the floor, probably breaking into pieces and leaving behind a trail of crumbs and powder. It was a good thing they had locked the door — MC would have a fit if she came in here and saw the mess that they had turned the room into.

Saeyoung seemed to finally get the hint and reluctantly returned his attention to the computer screen.

“Such a meanie,” he whined, still delusional enough to think that it was cute when he pouted and spoke with a higher pitch like that. It only made Saeran want to throw a pillow at his face. Or maybe something harder. Like a chair.

The younger twin resumed his work with a sigh, trying to fight the sleep weighing his eyelids down. The only good thing about having Saeyoung in here was that he was keeping Saeran irritated enough to stay awake. It had been a while since he needed to work all-nighters like that, after all. It had only been two nights so far and already there had been multiple times when he would find himself nodding off.

His body wasn’t used to being pushed like this anymore, and the accumulated fatigue was bringing back rather unpleasant memories of times when he lived on three hours of sleep a day, at best. Not to mention, there were the splitting headaches that would plague him as he worked. He also remembered taking pitifully quick power naps on his chair, the position so uncomfortable and painful that he would have no choice but to wake up and continue working like his life depended on it.

Back then, his life _did_ depend on it, he supposed. Work or be thrown away. Prove himself useful or be abandoned once again.

But as painful as those memories were, things were different now. He was working together with Saeyoung, to protect each other; to protect their family. Ask him to do something this two years back and he would have vehemently protested. Or try to shoot his own brother before they could even sit down and get started with work.

Above the sound of typing and clicking, Saeran could hear the crunching of chips and the occasional slurp from a can of Phd. Pepper. (Was that Saeyoung’s eleventh can? In one night alone? What the hell?) The room smelled weird from the combination of Honey Buddha chips and Phd. Pepper. The air-conditioning was cold enough to freeze his toes off, and every now and then, Saeyoung would repeatedly ask him to take a break, as if the former didn’t need one himself.

Having worked like this for nearly two days and two nights straight now, Saeran’s mood was souring as quickly as he was losing energy. But as foul as his mood was, Saeran couldn’t say he hated working with his brother all that much.

Because now, at least, he wasn’t alone.

The thought made him feel just a little bit better. Until Saeyoung started crunching obnoxiously loudly on his chips again. He resisted the urge to throw something else at the man. The closest thing he had to him was a large paperweight.

_Tempting._

His passing murderous intent dissolved quickly with a yawn, and he went back to looking through the last of the decrypted documents taken from Mint Eye. It was the last file already, and this one didn’t seem to contain much helpful information, just like the others he had read. He was almost too eager to close the file when finally he reached the end.

“Done,” he muttered, gripping the edge of the table and pushing himself backwards, allowing the wheeled chair to roll freely across the floor. He closed his sore eyes and allowed his head to fall with a thump against the back of his soft leather seat.

“Good work, brother! You’re amazing!”

Saeran glanced over at Saeyoung, who was flashing him a thumbs-up from his chair. He blinked a couple of times, eyes darting back and forth from the single raised thumb to Saeyoung’s grin. Eventually, he found the sense to look away instead of staring at his brother like that.

“I-I just... did what I was supposed to do,” he replied slowly, hand reaching up to rub the back of his neck. Why on earth did his face feel so hot from hearing Saeyoung’s words? It was a simple compliment; mere words of appreciation. Nothing that special.

And yet, he couldn’t help the warmth that was pooling in his chest.

He had never been praised for getting his work done before. Not once. The only thing he could look forward to after that was _not_ being told that he was a useless piece of trash, and that there was even more work waiting for him to spend even more sleepless nights on.

“That’s why I’m saying good work,” Saeyoung chuckled, his cheerful voice bringing Saeran out of his reverie. “Thanks for working so hard. Now you _really_ should go to sleep. You look like a zombie.”

That much was true. Saeran could see his reflection in the dark screen of his computer that had gone to sleep. His hair was a huge mess, the size of his eye bags could rival a panda at this point, and he swore he could see the beginnings of a pimple or two forming on his forehead. He really shouldn’t have eaten so many chips.

Saeran slowly got up from his chair, not appreciating the terrible ache in his back. “Okay. What about you?”

Saeyoung stretched his arms over his head with a lazy yawn as he stood up. “I’m mostly done so I’ll go sleep for a while too. Can’t wait for lovely MC to compliment me for working so hard!” He was already typing away on his phone in glee, most likely sending a message to report to MC that he was finally going to join her in bed, even though she was probably still asleep. It was only 5.37am, after all.

Saeran rolled his eyes, not wanting to stay a second longer with this lovestruck fool. “Whatever. I’m going to bed.”

“Good night! I mean— good _morning,_ lolololol.”

“Just shut up and go to sleep.”

    

* * *

 

It was one in the afternoon when the twins returned to the work room, both yawning every two minutes. Saeran had made hot chocolate and was downing it like water, while Saeyoung had his usual daily serving of diabetes in the form of seven Phd. Pepper canned drinks. The video call connection with Vanderwood had just gone through and the former secret agent’s face was now on the monitor of one of Saeyoung’s computers.

“What’s with the faces? The both of you look like you could do with more sleep.”

Saeyoung cracked a tired smile at the webcam, trying to suppress another yawn rising in the back of his throat. “We’re fine, Miss. Thanks for the concern.”

“Let’s get started,” Saeran said, setting his third empty mug down on the table. “I want to be done with this quickly.”

“This is probably going to take a while though,” his brother remarked wryly, sinking further into his seat and placing the mouth of his Phd. Pepper can to his lips. “This thing is probably a lot bigger than we thought.” Saeran pursed his lips, and Vanderwood made a thoughtful hum in response.

“Since we’re discussing what we have so far, do you want to get your wife in here?”

“She’s not feeling too well today, so she’s resting in bed. We’ll update her later.”

“I see.”

“Vanderwood, are there any updates on Sejun?” Saeran cut in.

“No news on Sejun as of now,” he replied. “I have people on the lookout, but I haven’t received any reports. No one has seen him around for a while.”

“Where are your men located?”

“Near his home and near the boys’ home that he was placed in. He’s been missing for a while ever since he found out he was being tracked.”

Saeran nodded, tracing his chin with his thumb. He was still impressed that a guy like Vanderwood had so many connections, considering he had to work solo for the most part as a secret agent, or at least, until he was paired with Saeyoung. There were still many things he didn’t know about the mysterious man, and that made him feel rather uneasy. All he knew from Saeyoung was that Vanderwood was doing some freelance work at the moment to lay low, and Saeran couldn’t help but wonder what kind of shady business that entailed exactly. Not that it was very much his business to care.

“I’ll let you know if I get an update on his whereabouts,” Vanderwood reassured. “But Sejun’s not really our top priority at the moment.”

“Yeah, we can look into him later,” Saeyoung agreed, shooting a quick apologetic look at Saeran as he did so, even though there was no reason to be sorry. “Did you find out anything from the Mint Eye files, Saeran?”

Saeran shook his head with a frown. “There was nothing important in it. It was mainly administrative stuff, details on the building layout, a list of potential guests whom she wanted to bring to her twisted paradise...”

“What was she even planning at the time?” Vanderwood inquired, an incredulous expression on his face.

“To expand the organisation, spread her ideologies as far as possible, and absorb the RFA members into Mint Eye. She got me to learn hacking in order to hack into servers and find suitable candidates who may serve Mint Eye’s purposes. And once I was good enough I was to hack into RFA’s server and try to obtain the details of the information of the party guests that were contacted in the past.”

“Hmm... What kind of candidates were they?”

There was a brief pause as Saeran hesitated to answer. “...People like me. People who were abandoned and abused, with no place to return to and no hope to live for.”

He could hear Saeyoung’s shaky exhale, and from the corner of his eye, he noticed the other man’s hands ball into fists and tightly grip the fabric of his faded blue jeans, stained with sprinkles of crumbs from the honey buddha chips.

“Saeran... I—”

“I’ve heard enough apologies from you, and I’m sick of it. So don’t,” he snapped, sounding a little harsher than he intended to. But honestly, he _was_ sick of hearing apologies from a man who constantly beat himself up over something that wasn’t even his fault.

Saeyoung probably understood that much at least, for his fists loosened a little. The wrinkles on his jeans remained.

“Um. Right. Okay. Anyway,” Vanderwood cut in, clearly unnerved by the unexpected tension. “So the Mint Eye files were useless after all?”

“I guess so,” the younger man replied with a shrug. “Seems like a dead end to me.”

“It’s strange though,” Saeyoung began, the skin on his forehead crinkling as he frowned. “You said she wanted to hack into the RFA server for the guests’ information?”

“Yeah.”

“What for?”

“Not sure. She never told me anything in detail. All she said was that she needed to collect the information so she’d have a way to contact them in future. I found it a little strange, since it would have been a lot easier for me to get the information on my own,” he admitted. “But back then, I never thought to question her. I just assumed she had a reason for targeting the RFA server specifically.”

Saeyoung took a moment to consider this. “Maybe there was something she needed to access in the RFA app without me noticing...” In the next second, he uttered a soft “Oh!” and jumped upright in his seat, before speedily typing away on his computer.

“Is it a new lead? What did you think of?” came Vanderwood’s voice through the video call.

“The emails,” Saeyoung answered, the pace of his typing picking up. “There might be something in the emails she sent back when she was still RFA’s party coordinator.”

Curiously, Saeran leaned over to peer at Saeyoung’s screen. Saeyoung was speedily scanning through the emails sent by Rika in the messenger app, and Saeran’s sore eyes were too tired to keep up, so he fell back against his seat and relaxed into it, closing his eyes. Ahh, that felt good. He could use a quick break.

“How much sleep did you guys even get last night?” Saeran groaned internally. Of all times for Vanderwood to try making small talk with h im...

“Not a lot,” Saeran mumbled in response, feeling his energy diminishing into dust as each second passed with his eyes blissfully closed.

“Hmm.” Thankfully, Vanderwood seemed to get the hint, for he didn’t say anything further. Vaguely, Saeran wondered if there were times that Saeyoung was like this too: too exhausted to speak, while Vanderwood would simply watch with a neutral hum. Kind of like an older brother, or a guardian of sorts.

Saeran didn't even realise he had dozed off entirely until he was jolted awake by his brother’s loud exclamation of, “Crap!” and the sound of an empty can tumbling onto its side on the table, before it rolled and landed on the floor with a hollow clang.

“What? What did you find?” Vanderwood asked.

“Rika... damn it... Someone else beat us to it.”

“Beat us to what? Who?”

“There wasn’t anything suspicious in Rika’s emails at first glance,” Saeyoung explained, idly grabbing hold of an open packet of chips and allowing his fingers to fidget restlessly with the plastic wrapper. “But for some reason she would sign off her emails by requesting for them to contact her at her personal email if they require anything else. And her personal email is always in her signature.”

“Her personal email, as in, one that’s not within the RFA messenger app, right?” Vanderwood clarified.

“Yeah.”

“So I’m guessing you checked her personal email. Did you find anything?” Saeran finally seemed awake enough to organise his thoughts properly.

“That’s the thing,” his brother muttered, running his fingers through his messy red hair and mussing it up in vexation. “It’s gone. All of it. No emails, nothing left. Her email got wiped. I can’t recover the data.”

“Someone beat us to it.” Vanderwood understood now. “Any idea who it might have been?”

“If there really is a connection between Rika and Park Ha Yoon, and if Mint Eye was connected to more people higher up in the ranks than we thought, then it’s probably one of them,” Saeyoung replied gravely.

 _Park Ha Yoon._ A famous academic in the scientific community, well-known and respected for his research in the field of medicinal drugs. Saeran remembered being updated briefly about a possible connection between that man and Mint Eye, because his car had been found parked somewhere close to the Mint Eye building. From what they had checked, there weren’t any reports made about his car having been stolen, so it was probably safe to conclude that he, or at least someone connected to him, had been there in the building to conduct some kind of business. To say he was suspicious would be an understatement.

Saeran turned to his brother. “Right. Park Ha Yoon. What did you find out about him?”

Saeyoung clicked his tongue at the name. “This guy is a pretty troublesome one.”

“Ahh... more trouble,” Vanderwood remarked off-handedly. He folded his arms across his chest. He was clad in a black shirt that seemed a little too tight for him. The sleeves were clearly too small to accommodate his rather impressive arm muscles. “There’s always so much going on with you guys and the RFA. It’s like you guys are the main characters in some soap opera drama thing.”

“I know, right?” Saeyoung chuckled humourlessly. “If only we were normal.”

 _If only, indeed_ , Saeran thought to himself. He wondered how different life would have been for him and Saeyoung if they had been born into a normal family, with parents who doted on them and let them play outside freely, instead of beating them up with beer bottles and tying them up in a dusty old room.

Maybe they would be in college like Yoosung, complaining about professors and assignments and a lack of sleep all the time. Maybe Saeyoung wouldn’t have suffered as a secret agent all those years, but instead be surrounded with friends who could tolerate his stupid jokes.

And maybe Saeran would have met _her_ too, as an ordinary man. Someone who wasn’t broken and filthy to the bone. Someone who might actually deserve to be with her.

Or maybe he wouldn’t. Who knew, really. Perhaps in another lifetime where he and Saeyoung were born into a different, normal family, they would never have met.

The thought made his heart feel a little heavier, leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. He wondered when she had become one of the reasons to not despise every single thing about his wretched life.

Perhaps his life _was_ finally getting to the good part, as Saeyoung would always tell him.

“Park Ha Yoon has a pretty clean record.” The sound of Saeyoung’s voice drew Saeran out of his reverie. “I couldn’t find much on him on the Internet, other than stuff about his accomplishments and research breakthroughs. There was that one scandal about him having an affair, but that one was wrapped up pretty quickly. I doubt anyone even knows about it. Aside from that, we’ll need more information about him. I have a bad feeling about this guy.”

“There’s no doubt he’s connected to Mint Eye somehow,” Vanderwood commented.

“Yeah. So I’ll need your help for this, Vanderwood.”

“Yeah, yeah,” the older man said with a dismissive wave. “You want me to infiltrate and get my hands on information, right?” A sigh escaped him. “How nostalgic.”

A wry smile lifted the former hacker’s lips. “Yeah. Just like old times. Guess we’ll be working together again, huh.”

Frowning, Saeran turned to face his brother. “Wait... you’re going with Vanderwood?”

“Yeah. I have to. He doesn’t know how to handle computers.”

"Shut up! I know the basics, okay? Not everyone’s a genius like you,” came Vanderwood’s protests through the computer.

“Wouldn’t that be dangerous?” Saeran asked. All the possible ways in which a mini operation like this could go wrong was running through his mind. He recalled the image of his brother bleeding profusely from a surface bullet wound and the strong, suffocating smell of blood in the air back then. He could feel a small wave of nausea coming on.

“I’ve done this many times before,” Saeyoung reassured. “And I doubt Park Ha Yoon’s office will be that heavily guarded. I’ve dealt with way worse before, so don’t worry. And Vanderwood will be there with me. He’s the best when it comes to backup.”

Saeran drew his arms to his chest and his fingers clung to the sleeves of his cotton sweater. He wanted to protest. To tell his brother not to go. To tell Vanderwood to do it on his own — maybe teach the man how to work a darn computer so he wouldn’t have to drag Saeyoung along with him.

Because... he didn't want to be left behind again.

But he couldn’t ask Saeyoung to stay. That wasn’t possible. That would be selfish and stupid. They had to do this, if they wanted to protect their family and the RFA from whatever the hell Mint Eye was up to.

“Saeran, are you okay? I promise you, we’ll be fine. It’ll just take a day, at the most.”

That was what he had said before. He had said he’d be running a quick errand for mom, carrying a bag that was bigger than what he would normally take with him when he went out. He had promised he would return, and Saeran hadn’t thought to question the pain and the tears in his brother’s eyes when the latter said those words. It hadn’t crossed his mind that the day would come when Saeyoung would have to make a promise he’d never be able to keep.

 _It’s different now_ , Saeran tried to convince himself. He forced himself to meet Saeyoung’s eyes. His brother’s golden eyes were earnest, shining behind the lens of his glasses. He meant it. He would come back safe. Saeyoung had promised he wouldn’t lie to him again. Saeran had to trust him.

“You better not screw this up and come back late,” was all he could manage in a small voice, as he dropped his gaze and turned the other way.

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder. “Yeah, I won’t.” He could hear the smile in Saeyoung’s voice, and it made the nausea go away.

The rest of the meeting with Vanderwood went by quickly, with the two former partners working out a plan to break into Park Ha Yoon’s home to download information directly from his computer. Vanderwood would have to do some preliminary tailing first to get a rough idea of Park Ha Yoon’s schedule before they could plan anything more. Saeran aided them with the research bit, since it was all he could do to help.

It was evening by the time they were done. Vanderwood left to go grab a bite and make preparations, while the twins went to check up on MC. She had insisted quite vehemently that she was fine and able to cook for them — “You’re both exhausted, and I’ve been resting the whole day. Let me do it!” she had argued — but the two had disagreed, and so Saeyoung was left in charge on keeping her in bed to make sure she continued to rest, while the other twin was placed in charge of making porridge for dinner.

Saeran stirred the cooking porridge with a ladle, watching as the rice grains swirled about in circles in the cloudy water, much like sand particles being swept by waves on the shore. The quietness and space gave him time to continue mulling over the things that had been discussed earlier. At this point, he wouldn't be surprised if Mint Eye _was_ indeed part of a conspiracy far larger than what they could have ever imagined. There were too many things they didn’t know; too many tidbits of information that only left them guessing.

An extended sigh blew past his lips and his shoulders sagged as if his body was a deflated balloon. All this stress was really tiring him out. Maybe he would skip dinner and get some shut-eye instead. He wasn’t feeling all that hungry anyway.

Just then, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. A notification. Someone must be in the chatroom. Maybe it was Yoosung complaining about assignments and rambling on about LOLOL. Or maybe it was Zen with his narcissistic ramblings and posting of selfies that no one asked for. He just hoped it wasn’t Saeyoung and MC flirting in the chatroom when they were right next to each other at the moment.

With that thought lingering in his mind and dread building in his chest, he drew his phone out of his pocket and glanced at his lock screen.

He had received a message from an unknown number. The message preview showed “adwer” — a random cluster of letters that made no sense at all. With a raised brow, he opened the message to view it, wondering who it could be. It couldn’t be anyone from the RFA, since he had added their numbers to his phone’s contacts.

Deciding it was probably a typo mistakenly sent to him by some stranger, Saeran was about to lock his phone when it buzzed once more, announcing the delivery of another message:

 **+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _I’m so sorry! That was a mistake. I didn’t realize my phone was on and it just sent you a message. Sorry about that._

That was odd. Normally strangers would just leave it and pretend they hadn’t made a mistake. At least, that was what he would do, anyway. Maybe it wasn’t right to assume that of everyone else. He didn’t want to leave a reply to a stranger, so he locked his phone and put it back in his pocket, picking up the ladle to resume stirring the porridge once more.

Two minutes later, it buzzed again.

He hoped it wasn’t the stranger. Maybe he’d have to block the number.

Unlocking his phone once more, he tapped on the message icon to reveal his new unread message. It was from the same number.

 **+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _But um, since I’ve already sent you a message, I might as well say hi. So hi, Saeran. How have you been? It’s been a while since we last met, so I hope everything’s been okay. Oh, by the way, I got your number from MC. I hope you don’t mind._

It wasn’t hard to put two and two together and figure out who he was really talking to.

For the next second or two, he swore he forgot how to breathe.

 _Holyshitholyshitholyshitholyshit._ Was he dreaming? Was this actually happening?

His heart was picking up the pace a little too quickly, and the deafening sound of it quaking in his ears was making it hard to think. His fingers were quickly turning clammy and he tried to tighten his grip around his phone, but his fingers slipped and he nearly dropped his phone entirely.

As always, she could turn him to a clumsy fool with just a single word. Or in this case, a text message — her first text message to him.

As his thumbs hovered over the keyboard on his phone, Saeran could feel the nervousness pulsing through his veins. His mind came up blank when he thought of what he wanted to say to her, and beads of cold sweat was starting to form on his upper lip. His lips suddenly felt a little _too_ dry.

_Think. Think. Just talk normal. Be normal. You’ve gone through so much worse; you can definitely handle texting a girl. Just calm down for a sec._

He took a few deep breaths to compose himself, before typing something in the message box.

**Saeran:** _I’m fine._

He hesitated before pressing ‘send’. Was that too curt? Maybe he should add something more. He considered one of those emojis that Saeyoung would spam the chatroom with. Those were only available within the RFA messenger though. And it might be weird to use an emoji for his first text.

Pursing his lips, he backspaced and typed in another message. Then thought about it even more, deleted more words, added some back, went back and forth deliberating whether that would sound weird or not...

Texting was quickly becoming a pain in the neck.

Eventually, he settled for something and hit ‘send’ before he could think even further. It had already been six minutes since she sent her message. He was taking too damn long. Stupid brain.

**Saeran:** _Hi. I’ve been well. About the number, it’s okay._

Hmm... Too short? Maybe he should add something else to it.

**Saeran:** _How have you been?_

There. Now to wait for her reply.

The seconds seemed to drag on and on, and he found himself needlessly checking his phone every few seconds to see if there was a new message.

Two minutes passed. Maybe she was busy and just hadn’t checked her phone yet.

Or maybe she had seen it and didn’t want to reply. What if she thought he was being a bother? For sending two messages at once? Then again, Saeyoung had a tendency to send ten messages at a time in the chatroom. This was nothing compared to his nuisance of a brother.

Saeran let out a groan. Had texting always been this nerve-wracking?

Just as he was about to despair and decide to delete his number altogether and erase himself from existence so as to avoid shaming himself further, his phone vibrated, and another message showed up.

**+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _That’s good to hear. :) I’ve been doing fine too._

Another buzz.

 **+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _Oh right, sorry to bother you. You must be busy right?_

A smile lifted his lips when it occurred to him that perhaps he wasn’t the only nervous one between the two of them.

**Saeran:** _It’s fine. I’m not busy. Are you?_

**+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _Nope. I’m at the park right now, actually._

The park. Ahh, he really wanted to go. Would it be weird if he ran out right then and pretended to bump into her by “coincidence”?

**Saeran:** _Oh._

**+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _It’s been a while since we were last there together huh._

**Saeran:** _Yeah._

**+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _Sorry for bringing it up. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you or anything._

**Saeran:** _It’s okay. You weren’t pressuring me. You don’t have to be so wary around me._

Oh shit. Did that sound too straightforward? But it was true. She had been so careful that night at the park. Careful not to come too close, or say too much. He hadn’t liked the wall that had come up between them because of that.

He missed the time when they could just sit side by side at the park in comfortable, peaceful silence. That didn’t seem too long ago, when he thought about it now. But he supposed a lot had changed since then.

**+82 XX XXXX XXXX:** _Hahaha okay, then same goes for you. You don’t have to be so wary or formal with me. You can just message me whenever you want._

He could imagine her chuckling beneath her breath, the sweet memory of her laugh making warmth pool in his chest, filling him to the brim. He couldn’t help the upward curl of his lips. Her laugh was so contagious, after all.

**Saeran:** _Same goes for you._

_Oh right._ His eyes came to rest on the string of numbers next to the default anonymous icon. He should save her contact.

He tapped on the options to create a new contact, and typed in her name.

Before saving though, he paused to think for a moment more, and deleted the letters. Instead, he added an ice cream emoji in the blank space.

 _Perfect,_ he thought to himself with a grin, butterflies in his stomach.

**< O: ** _Haha, okay! :)_

He was starting to understand why Saeyoung loved texting MC so much.

**< O: ** _By the way, are you doing anything right now?_

He was texting her. Duh. And... what was he doing before she sent him a message again?

It was only then that the smell of something burning hit him.

He glanced up to see that the water in the pot was bubbling angrily at him, and the porridge at the bottom looked a little too dark to be remotely edible.

“Shit!” he cursed, dropping his phone on the counter and scrambling to save the remaining unburnt porridge. The porridge was thick and sticking in clumps, making it difficult to stir. Crap. He and Saeyoung would probably have to eat take-out now. Or they could just skip and go straight to sleep since they were both tired anyway.

In the midst of the chaos he found himself unable to resist stealing a glance at his phone screen again. He eyed the cute little ice cream emoji next to two new messages.

**< O: ** _I was just wondering since... well, I don’t know all that much about you. Is it weird if I say that I’m curious?_

**< O: ** _But it’d be nice if we could get to know each other a little better. :) Let’s be good friends, Saeran._

It was nice to know that he wasn’t the only one who was curious.

 _Friends, huh?_ It sounded like a decent start.

He returned his attention to the pot of simmering porridge once more, dread filling him.

...Hopefully MC could say the same about her dinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OTL I can’t add an ice cream emoji so that thing (I can't type it out or AO3 will delete the rest of this A/N ugh) was the ice cream emoji. Credit to my friend capitolscum for suggesting this SHE’S A GENIUS :DD
> 
> Thanks for reading!!!! ^^ Hope you enjoyed this chapter hehe. Sorry that it was kinda dry for the most part lel.


	20. "For the Ferrari"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to be safe, I’ll have a warning here. The second part of this chapter takes place in a red-light district. Nothing explicit or sexual below, but just a head’s up for anyone who might potentially feel uncomfortable.

His phone buzzed with a new message while he was still typing, and his eyes traced over the new text from her, a warm smile playing on his lips. Her fingers sure were fast. He didn’t think he could lose at speed when it came to typing, but apparently he could — on the phone, at least. She had mentioned that she was a lot faster on her phone than on her computer.

It was fascinating how he could feel like he was floating on the clouds just by hearing the sound of his phone vibrate as a new notification popped up, along with the appearance of a new speech bubble in the chat.

He had lost count of the number of days since they first started texting, but it felt like they had known each other since forever. Talking to her felt almost as natural as breathing, except it _did_ get kind of hard to breathe properly sometimes when she complimented or praised him. Seeing her messages with sprinkles of cute little emojis would leave a sweet taste lingering on his tongue and his heart racing like he was on a sugar rush.

It was crazy how they could talk about the most random things, as if they had been old friends in another life. Just like now. They were currently having a little argument over whether pineapple on pizza was the best or worst thing to have ever existed.

 

 **< O: ** _You’re so weird omg_

 **Saeran:** _No, you’re the weirdo. Pineapple on pizza is disgusting._

 **< O:** _No it’s not! Pineapple on pizza is amazing!!!_

 **< O: ** _No no no this won’t do I must do something to help you see the truth_

 

Great, now she was sending him a bunch of pictures of pineapples and pizza, which made little sense considering she was trying to convince him of how good the _combination_ was. Besides, they weren’t doing a very good job of whetting his appetite for dinner.

 

 **Saeran:** _Pictures aren’t going to help your case. Give it up._

 **Saeran:** _Saeyoung has tried and failed at convincing me to like pineapple on pizza for a year. It’ll never happen._

 **< O: ** _But im not saeyoung_

 **Saeran:** _You just tried and you already failed._

 **< O:** _Just for now!! One day you’ll see the light!!!!_

 **< O: ** _just you wait saeran you’ll fall in love with pineapple on pizza so fast you won’t even know what happened_

 **Saeran:** _Doubt it but if that helps you sleep at night, sure._

 **< O: ** _:P_

 

He chuckled to himself, heart pumping fast enough to keep his face feeling warm and head giddy. She was impossible. Impossibly _cute_ , he added as an afterthought, and he should have felt ashamed for thinking such an embarrassingly cheesy thing.

She was doing things to him, including turning him into the same kind of lovestruck fool Saeyoung was whenever MC was involved, and perhaps the strangest part was that he couldn’t say he hated it all that much.

 

 **< O: ** _Oh no break’s over I’ll talk to you later! This convo isn’t over, btw._

 **Saeran:** _Okay. Don’t go spilling coffee now._

 **< O:** _That was just one time!! ><_

 **< O: ** _ok gtg, boss coming. See you!!_

 

He shook his head with a grin, sending her a quick reply to wish her luck at her summer internship. He hoped he hadn’t just landed her in trouble with her boss. It wouldn’t be the first time.

Sometimes he would feel bad for distracting her from her work or errands she needed to run — for instance, she had already missed her train stop while on the way home three times now because of him — but admittedly, he was selfish enough to want to keep talking to her, even at the expense of neglecting the things she had to do. It felt nice to have her attention and thoughts on him. _Only_ on him.

...Was that a weird thing to think?

Hmm. Probably.

Saeran fell backwards onto the bed, bouncing off the mattress once before sinking into the soft sheets. He inhaled deeply, and released a long breath into the quiet air of his room that was filled with his hushed chuckles just minutes ago. His fingers drummed restlessly against the sheets, hands feeling rather empty now without his phone in their tight grip.

_What to do now..._

Just then, he felt a small vibration through the mattress and he immediately dove for his phone, thinking she had dropped him another text. Needless to say, he was sorely disappointed when he realised it was just a message from Saeyoung, instead of her. _Great._ That probably meant he needed to go back to work because Vanderwood had some updates. That, or Saeyoung had sent him another video of screaming llamas.

If it was the latter, his brother would be earning himself an elbow to the face.

Saeran wasn’t expecting much when he unlocked his phone to view the message while slowly peeling himself off the bed. Which was why he was left momentarily stunned and frozen in place when he saw the first three words in the notification preview:

 **Saeyoung:** _We found Sejun._

 

* * *

 

Saeran burst into the workroom where Saeyoung was already on a call with Vanderwood. The older man swivelled around in his seat upon hearing the loud entrance, and his brow was arched. “That was fast,” he commented in surprise.

“You found Sejun?”

“Yeah... About that, Vanderwood’s currently watching them.”

“ _Them_?”

“Apparently, Se Jun is in Park Ha Yoon’s car right now. They’ve been in there for 35 minutes now.”

Saeran uttered a cuss word under his breath as he marched across the room and unplugged Saeyoung’s phone from his headphones to put Vanderwood on speaker.

“Vanderwood, what’s going on?”

“Oh, Saeran’s here,” the man said by way of greeting. “I’m currently parked a distance away from Park Ha Yoon’s car. Location coordinates are with Saeyoung and he’s already hacked into the closest security camera — but it’s not much help. Too far to see much, plus it’s dark. Anyways, a guy who looks like Sejun entered the car about 35 minutes ago, but I can’t see what they’re doing inside. Windows are tinted.”

“You sure Park Ha Yoon is inside?”

“Yeah. Had my eyes on the car the moment he went in. He hasn’t left at all. Any idea how they might be connected?”

“No...” Saeran answered, eyebrows furrowed as a perplexed expression settled on his face. “Not that I can think of.”

“Then that’s weird...” Vanderwood muttered in reply. “Oh, hey, the door’s open.”

Saeyoung jerked his head in the direction of his computer monitor on the wall. Saeran followed suit, and sure enough, the camera showed a black car parked next to a small alley with its left passenger door swinging open. A boy clad in a dark hoodie exited with a bag pack slung over his left shoulder, and he headed down the dark, narrow alleyway while the car drove off as soon as the door was shut.

“That’s strange. The bag wasn’t there before,” Vanderwood remarked. “Did they make some sort of deal?”

“Vanderwood,” Saeran called urgently. His eyes remained glued to the screen. “Follow Sejun. Hurry.”

“Wh—” If Vanderwood had any questions or protests, he wisely chose to keep them to himself for the time being and trust his new partner. “Okay, I’m on it. But explain.”

“Do you have any idea where Sejun might be going?” Saeyoung asked.

“Yeah,” Saeran said as he tapped mindlessly on the table surface with his index finger. “If Mint Eye is still operating like it used to, he might be going to Minari right now.”

“The red-light district? What for?”

“We used to have business dealings there. With the prostitutes,” Saeran explained. “The pimps in charge of the street were in on it too. The supplies and drugs come from the higher-ups who are patrons of the prostitutes, and then the ground team collects the goods from them. Sejun used to be part of that ground team.”

“Careful not to leave traces, huh,” Saeyoung muttered, leaning back in his seat to consider this new piece of information. It wasn’t at all out of place for men to head over to Minari for some fun. Not to mention, the area was hardly regulated by the authorities. It was the perfect place to conduct these kinds of drug exchanges without drawing any attention whatsoever. “If Sejun is really headed to Minari to do that kind of business, it’ll be safe to conclude that Park Ha Yoon _was_ involved with Mint Eye.”

“Yeah. But it’s strange that Park made direct contact this time,” Saeran pointed out. “Uncharacteristic for someone so cautious.”

“I’ll look into that,” Vanderwood’s voice came through the phone’s speaker. “I’ll call again later.” Then he promptly hung up, rendering the room quiet once more.

 

* * *

 

 

Vanderwood wrinkled his nose in at the smell of garbage coming from the other end of the narrow and dark alley he was standing in. He was smoking a fair distance away from the long row of neon-lit parlours lining the street, and was making sure to stand close to the wall to avoid drawing attention to himself.

Quietly, he observed a group of obnoxiously boisterous businessmen walking past him. They had clearly had too much to drink and were now looking to entertain themselves for the night. Vanderwood blew out a puff of smoke, tapping lightly on his cigarette to flick off the burnt ash as he listened to the rather nasty comments they were making. He hadn’t been expecting to spend a Thursday night being forced to listen to lewd remarks made by men who were probably old enough to be the fathers of the girls they were about to spend the next couple of hours with.

 _For the Ferrari, the Ferrari,_ he chanted to himself, as he had been doing over and over for the past few days when he got bored out of his mind from waiting in the car, and tailing Park Ha Yoon. His legs were aching, his eyes were sore and he was in desperate need of some sleep. The mental image of his promised sports car was the only thing keeping him together at the moment.

 _This is nothing_ , he told himself, as he exhaled, wisps of white smoke leaving his lips. He had been through far worse, like having to stay cooped up in a room with his stupid redhead partner for a full week. Back then, he thought he could lose his mind from having to deal with that guy’s jokes and the irritatingly loud manner in which he would crunch on his honey butter chips. Those chips didn’t even taste good at all, and it was a wonder how Saeyoung hadn’t eaten himself sick of those yet.

Vanderwood’s eyes rested once more on the particular pink neon-lit parlour that Sejun had just entered, and wondered how long he would have to wait out here like this. He had forgotten to stock up on cigarettes so he only had two more left in his pocket. Hopefully that kid would be quick with whatever he was doing in there.

An elderly man walked by then, with a cigarette butt in hand and a noticeable bulge in his pants that was too obvious to be missed. The former secret agent sharply turned his eyes away, shuddering at the horrid image that was now stuck in his head. Ugh. He pitied the girl who would have to entertain this man who had a severe case of athlete’s foot.

Tapping his foot impatiently against the damp concrete ground, Vanderwood checked his watch for the time. Only fifteen minutes had passed. It felt like he had aged years already.

Bored, he decided to drop a text to give a the twins a quick update on the situation at the moment. As he waited for his phone to load the chatroom, his eyes darted upwards to quickly glance at the entrance of that parlour.

The sight of his target emerging from the entrance, carrying the same black bag pack he’d brought in and walking briskly away towards the other end of the street immediately caught Vanderwood’s attention. Stuffing his phone back in his pocket, Vanderwood stepped a little closer to eye the bag that was hanging off Sejun’s left shoulder.

Was it just him, or did the bag look a little heavier than before?

Vanderwood threw down his cigarette and stepped on it before heading down the same direction. He could feel gazes on him through the glass windows of the parlours, and he ignored the sultry voices of girls calling out to him. He pretended to look somewhat interested, briefly glancing at the skimpily dressed girls who were lounging on the chairs or standing and waving to him from behind the glass doors. Some of them looked a little too thin to be healthy.

As he approached the parlour that Sejun had just been to, he slowed down his footsteps, though his eyes remained on the back of the young man who was hastily heading down the street. Should he keep following him? Or head into the parlour?

There was no time to send the twins a text or drop a call. He spotted two men idly smoking by the entrance of a parlour, their narrow eyes scanning the area as they spoke in hushed tones. They were probably pimps on patrol. People like them didn’t take too kindly to people who used their phones around here — in case people decided to snap photos without permission. They tended to get suspicious easily too.

Vanderwood looked once more at the diminishing figure of the young man in the distance, and his feet gradually came to a stop when he arrived at the place Sejun had just exited from.

“Oppa, come in!” one of the girls from that parlour called out, throwing a flirtatious wink his way.

He would have to take a chance on this one. Judging from the short amount of time Sejun had spent in here, he had only come here for business. And if Vanderwood could pinpoint the person he had come into contact with, it may be easier to get her to spill information directly. Besides, Sejun looked especially on guard at the moment, and it would be hard to tail him from here, considering the streets up ahead were generally quite dark and empty.

So with a small, polite smile plastered on his face, Vanderwood turned and stepped towards the parlour, much to the delight of the middle-aged lady whom he assumed was the woman in charge of the girls in that place.

“Oh my, such a handsome young man,” she gushed, flashing her yellow teeth as she smiled. She eagerly ushered him in, heavily curled hair bouncing with every step she took. He was greeted by the overpowering smell of cheap perfume, and he had to suppress the urge to pinch his nostrils shut. “I guarantee you’ll find a girl you like. The girls here are all good and pretty,” the lady continued, and Vanderwood tuned her rambling out as he eyed his surroundings.

He was led to a dark room that basically resembled a karaoke lounge, only it was a lot smaller. A disco ball hung from the ceiling, the flashing lights providing poor illumination of the room. It smelled a little stale in there, and he tried not to grimace when he was told to sit down and wait for the girls to line up and come in to greet him.

Five minutes later, a line of girls quietly filed into the room. Vanderwood didn’t need the colourful specks of light dancing across their faces to see how lifeless and tired they looked. The lady from before was the only cheery one in the room. “Pick any one you like,” she encouraged. “They’ll do a good job, don’t worry.”

“Are they the only ones you have?” he asked.

“Yes, they are the only available ones right now.”

“I see.”

Hmm... He had to figure out who was the one who had met with Sejun earlier. They all looked pretty much the same though. No fidgety, restless ones. They were just standing there passively, waiting for him to make his choice.

“Sir, would you like the girls to introduce themselves first?” The lady asked, sensing his hesitation.

“No, it’s fine,” he replied. “And no need to be so formal. Just call me Sejun. We’re here to have a good time, after all.”

As he said that, Vanderwood eyed the girls standing before him, to observe their reactions.

Just as he predicted, one of them responded differently from the others. The room was infuriatingly dim, but he managed to catch the small jerk of the fourth girl’s head at the sound of the name “Sejun”.

His lips curled into a smirk.

_Bingo._

 

* * *

 

“Sir, if you don’t have a condom with you, we have some in the drawer by the bed,” the girl with long, wavy brown locks stated, as she ushered him into the small, dark room with a single bed in it. She was wearing a plain, strapless black dress that ended just below the curve of her butt, and he had to admit she did have quite a beautiful figure. But it troubled him that a girl as young as her — she looked no older than seventeen — was stuck in this kind of place. Not that it surprised him all that much. Girls like her were common around here.

“That’s fine,” Vanderwood replied, steering clear of the bed. The sheets were probably unwashed and he didn’t want to think about the number of men who had been in here and stained the sheets without cleaning up. “I’m not here for that.”

“Huh?” She stared at him, red lips parted and eyes wide, until something clicked in her head. “Oh... so you just want a blowjob then?”

“No... I didn’t mean that...” he muttered, running his fingers through his hair and gesturing for her to take a seat on the bed in front of him. Did he really look so sexually deprived that he would turn to taking advantage of a girl like her?

“Then... what do you want me to do?” she asked, confusion settling on her face.

“Eun Mi... was it? I just want to talk to you for a bit,” he stated. He threw a glance towards the shut door. “Are the walls here thin?”

“If we talk like this, we can’t be heard by others outside,” she said.

“Good. In that case, I will need you to cooperate with me by not talking any louder than this.”

“O...kay?” She was frowning and gazing at him expectantly now, awaiting his explanation.

“You know Sejun, don’t you?”

Her hazel eyes widened for a fraction of a second before darting away from his gaze at the mention of the name. She squeezed her legs together while drawing her arms in, in apparent discomfort.

“I-I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You’re a bad liar,” Vanderwood told her flatly. “What did Sejun come here for? He just dropped by to see you, didn’t he? Did you hand something to him?”

Eun Mi was silent for a moment, and he was about to repeat his question when she stood up abruptly, fists clenched by her sides. Having expected this, Vanderwood grabbed her wrist before she could try to make a run for it, and forced her to spin around to face him again. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out the taser that he always had with him.

Fear contorted her features the moment she heard the loud crackling of static when he turned it on, and it caused the scream that had been about to escape her die promptly in her throat.

“I didn’t come here to hurt you, but if you alert anyone here, then I’ll have no choice,” he said in a low, dark whisper. Then he released her, and she stumbled backwards, plopping back down on the bed and clutching her wrist that now had a red imprint of his tight grip on it.

“I’ve been running low on patience today, so I’d appreciate it if you would hurry and tell me what I want to know.”

“I... I don’t know anything,” she insisted stubbornly, looking away from him.

“You met with Sejun earlier, right?”

"No.”

Yeah, right. “So you did. What did you give him earlier? Drugs?”

He noted her sharp inhale and restless fidgeting of her fingers, before continuing, “Does the name Mint Eye ring a bell?”

“N-Not at all. I’ve never even heard of—”

“What about Park Ha Yoon? Sound familiar?”

No answer. She resolutely kept her gaze to the floor, face hardened and jaw clenched tightly.

“So you do know him.”

“Will you please leave? I’m busy and—”

“I paid for this session,” he reminded her, and also made a mental note to claim that money from Saeyoung later. He was low enough on funds as it was. “I’m not here for your services; I’m here for information. Good trade-off, isn’t it? You don’t have to serve me, and you can get me to leave earlier if you just tell me everything I want to know.”

“And I’m _telling_ you, I don’t know anything. You can’t get me to talk,” she responded coldly, glaring at him. “So just get out of here because you’re wasting your time.”

 _Interesting._ Vanderwood took a step closer to her, and her fierce stance faltered slightly. She must have realised her minor slip-up.

“Are you being threatened? By Park Ha Yoon or one of his men?” he asked. She didn’t respond, and instead averted her eyes from his. He waited for her to speak, but her lips remained tightly pursed together.

“So you are,” he surmised with a vexed sigh. Well, he had expected this. If she really was a part of this drug dealing process, she would definitely be silenced if there was even a remote risk of a single word slipping from her. In that case, maybe he should change his approach.

“I’m not here to hurt you,” he said, stepping back from her to give her some space.

She scoffed in disbelief, gesturing to the taser that was still in his grip. “Sure, you aren’t. You won’t get anything out of me, because I don’t have the answers you’re looking for. So just leave.”

“For someone who doesn’t have the information I want, you seem pretty anxious for me to leave as soon as possible.”

“You literally threatened to tase me just a minute ago.”

“Only if you tried to alert other people outside about what I’m here for,” he responded evenly. “Like I said, I don’t intend on hurting you if I can help it.”

“I don’t have any reason to trust you,” Eun Mi snapped, folding her arms across her chest. “And I don’t have to say anything to you. You only have an hour here. You won’t be able to do anything if I sit here and keep quiet.”

“I’ll just buy more hours then. If I pay, there’s no problem, right?” he challenged with a small smirk. “I have all the time in the world to stick around, and I’ll happily oblige and keep you here until you tell me what I want to know.”

“Th-That’s... You can’t do that. You’re joking.”

“Do I look like I’m joking to you?”

“You... You can’t do that. Why are you even doing this?”

He cracked a smile at that. He leaned forward, and she warily shrunk away from him. Seeing that, he stopped where he was.

“A guy offered me a Ferrari in exchange for getting information for him. And I owe him... maybe a little too much,” he vaguely explained, before stealing a peek at his watch.

“Time’s ticking, Eun Mi. I think you should start talking soon.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the long wait!! Hope you liked the Vanderwood feature ;) Thanks for reading! ^^


End file.
